First off, I put ‘GF’ in quotes as when I was told her by her about her relationship, she said they were dating, but when I asked him, he said ‘Idk.’
This is gonna be a long one, so strap on.
For starters, I’m good friends with the guy, say Jake, but cannot stand his gf. NOT BECAUSE I HAVE FEELINGS FOR HIM, but because his gf just is a person that’s very "pick me" with a side serving of narcissist. She’s dated people wayy younger than her, for absolutely no reason. But that’s not the reason I dislike her, it’s just an example of what she has done.
I had a feeling they were dating b4 she told me, so I laughed it off and told a close friend (mutual with Jake, not with his gf)
Later, she told me she and Jake had been dating for about 2 months. He’d even given her HIS jewelry, which is where I got the hint from. Over the course of the next few days, she proceeded to tell me almost EVERYTHING about the relationship, and by everything, I don’t mean the whole thing, I mean the intimate, private parts of a relationship no other people should know about. I won’t disclose it here, but it was very intimate.
Later that day she asked whether I wanted screenshots of this stuff. I was, pretty horrified, and said ‘no.’
Mind you, this was all going on while Jake had no clue about it.
I proceeded to tell her to tell him that she had told me and another friend (mutual with me and his gf), but she denied, saying something along the lines of ‘it’s not that important…’ and ‘it’s only two people’.
Jake doesn’t want anyone knowing, thus the ambiguity in his answer when I asked him if he was dating someone. Its pretty messy, she’s got an ex…blah blah…mutual with them both…blah… tldr it’s bad if her ex finds out she’s dating Jake.
So, two days after this happened, I told him (over text) that I needed to talk to him and that his gf had told me and another girl about him and her. He was not stoked, to say the least. I could tell she was in trouble, because I got a stream of texts from her saying ‘I hate you,’ ‘what business did you have saying that,’ ‘thought I could trust you…’ which i kinda deserve.
Now here’s my moral dilemma. I absolutely don’t care that I lost her trust, as she never had mine. But the point is, It wasn’t any of my business. I didn’t have to tell Jake and ruin his relationship, possibly. But I felt as tho I needed to as I already told someone, and he needed to know that. Yet, I feel extremely guilty as they both are at extremely stressful positions at work (as am I) and both can’t afford a messy parting for the next few weeks, that could impact their performance. I was the iceberg to their Titanic worthy relationship, while I shouldn’t have been and maybe minded my own beeswax.
AITA?
are you guys in high school? or recently out of it? why all the secrets? it seems like an immature relationship on all sides. i’d say NTA for being the only open communicator in the situation, but I’d stay out of it from here on out if i were you. too messy
They are definitely all children with child-like views on the world. Shame, they’ll grow up one day and look back at this moment with embarrassment.
ESH- you sound very young and immature. You’re not going to like every single person you meet in life, that’s just how it is. Once everyone is mature and doesn’t start drama/keep secrets/ hate people for no reason, you’ll find yourself in a lot fewer situations like this.
Next time tell his gf you don’t want to know any details about the relationship if they try and dump it on you don’t just soak it up.
Also she has no reason to tell you they’re dating as you’re not friends like you said.
As much as you didn’t want to know anything it seems like you were watching them like a hawk anyway. This is very weird behavior on both of you tbh. Also putting other girls down doesn’t make you better than them.
Other people’s relationships are really none of your business to get involved in, unless someone is in grave danger or something. This reads so immature… ESH. and looking at your post history…. Seems like you should focus on working on yourself. Best of luck.
INFO: How old are you and the others involved?
You guys are older than me. Damn. We are cooked people.
YTA
For all your “oh my god, she told me her business!!!!” bs, OP, you are the one causing drama and being weird af.
“I had a feeling they were dating b4 she told me, so I laughed it off and **told a close friend (mutual with Jake, not with his gf**)”
“But I felt as tho I needed to **as I already told someone,** and he needed to know that.”
Not only was this none of your business, not only did you stab this girl in the back to Jake in a truly nasty way only a “pick me” would do (yep, that’s you, very obvious here!), but you took what she told you in confidence and went and gossiped to Jake’s friend. Such an obvious shit stirrer. Real pick me vibe going on here. Hope Jake doesn’t fall for it.
ETA: And now I see in the comments that YOU asked her what was up?? You’re the one who was fishing? So, she overshared. Maybe, OP, she actually thought you were a decent person. A “girl’s girl”, not hmmmm…well, we’ve already determined what you are. But, you basically set her up for you to go running to Jake and added in sharing what she told you \*after you asked her\* with another of Jake’s friends. This is real asshole behavior, OP.
And if you look at her other replies, SHE is the one who asked the gf for details and didn’t like how in depth the gf went. She inserted herself first.
The only thing I’m getting from this is OP being the pick me, OP not being a girls girl, and OP giving desperate “I’m chill I’m cool act natural” vibes whenever Jake gets a new gf. Can’t wait for the gf who can sniff out that bs and doesn’t entertain it.
It isn’t hard to say, “Hey, I don’t need to hear that stuff, and I don’t want to hear that stuff.”
You need to keep your nose out of your friend’s relationships.
Between those two things…YTA.
Are all of you in the same theatre school?
ESH, including Jake
Keeping the relationship secret is bizarre for reasons I don’t think need explanation. But if the relationship is secret, why were you interrogating Jake about it, why is his gf telling other people about it et cetera. The gf spilling details about their sex life is weird, it kind of sounds like she was hoping it would get out.
It’s reasonable for you to have been concerned about the situation and have given Jake a heads up. The tone of this entire post (“pick me”) is telling me that you really don’t like the gf and were on the look out for something to fault her for. If you say you’re not jealous, I believe you, but you can still be co-dependent* towards someone you care for only platonically.
It also seems like you have some internalized misogyny. You have given us so many details that it’s hard for me to believe you’re withholding everyone’s ages for privacy purposes… without knowing ages, it is impossible to judge whether Jake’s gf dating younger people was predatory or you’re just being judgemental because you see a *woman* dating a *younger man* as problematic. Was it, like, 23 and 19, or 28 and 18? How would you characterize it if Jake was the one who had dated women a few years younger than him?
*”Co-dependent” gets misused a lot. It’s not two people who are overly dependent on each other. It describes one person’s behavior; it is co-dependent to act like you’re responsible for another able adult’s well-being and exert undue influence. You also triangulated when you gossiped with your other friend about the relationship after Jake made it clear he didnt even want to give *you* much info.
ETA: why are you so besides yourself at Jake giving the woman “HIS” jewelery?? It’s literally his…
YTA for saying “this is gonna be a long one so strap on.”
Edit: Also for “minded my own beeswax.”
Ok but seriously, you’re TA bc you come off kinda territorial and possessive here. Like proud you hold the power to blow up your friends dating life vibes. Steer clear of this boundary clueless girl and move along in your life. Or date your friend idk. But this is weird behavior.
“I just want to make it clear that *I’m* not the messy one, because everything I’m about to say points to me being the messy one.”