so last week i (20NB) had to have emergency surgery to get my gallbladder removed. all went well and i have four sutures on my body: one in the center of my sternum, one at the belly button, and two right under my right breastbone. i had surgery in my college town (about 2 hrs from home) and my mother (50F) was there. i went home for the week and due to the intense snowstorms in the south, i stayed longer than originally planned
anyway, one of the main things my doctor said to refrain from is strenuous activity or picking up anything above 10 pounds. its been about a week since the surgery and i’ve avoided this thus far. my mother was also very supportive during my first few days of recovery, but seems to think i magically healed as the week goes by (mind you it takes a full 4-6 weeks to recover from this surgery.) she’s been asking me to do the dishes, which i wouldn’t mind doing if i could bend up and down consistently without getting dizzy, tired and having pain around the sutures. i told her i was feeling bad and she said she did too, but still had to get things done. i have two younger brothers, 10 and 12 respectively. the 12 year old does not do dishes, his laundry, clean the bathroom or house etc etc, when i basically raised the both of them at that age. i’ve told my mom consistently that she needs to get them to do things or else no one will do them once i move out. the other day my 12 year old brother asked how to put detergent in the dish washer.
on top of my surgery, i’ve also developed some sort of head cold, so i’m constantly stuffy and coughing. i’m in visibly poor health and i’d just like to relax and recover. am i the asshole for refusing to do the dishes after a week’s recovery of an emergency surgery, despite other people in the house being fully capable of doing them?
NTA. I’ve had sutures rip open after surgery. It prolongs the recovery.
NTA – your mom is TA for not give you enough time to recover and minimizing what your body is going through, AND for not having your younger siblings helping more while you’re down.
Are there any other family members or friends you can stay with who will support your rest/recovery? If not, can you afford to rent a cheap room somewhere for a month?
NTA.
Your mother is raising the next generation of weaponized incompetents. If she wants to do that, fine, but the consequences (having no help in the house) are on her. You’re there to rest and recover from *surgery* and now also an infection, not to play maid to two boys old enough to clean up after themselves.
I had my gallbladder out when I was 17, the recovery wasn’t awful but it also wasn’t trivial. I don’t think I did anything at all for at least a week. My parents sure didn’t make me do chores while my younger sibling did nothing. Your mom needs to lay off, and teach her other kids to pull their weight especially while you recover from having an organ removed from your body.
Can you reach out to your doctor on your restrictions? Perhaps if your mother saw it in writing it would not go in one ear and out the other!
Tell her you will assist the boys with instruction on how to do the chores. They have the physical ability and you have the knowledge.
You might point out that you are going to move out within the next few years, so it’s really best if the younger children learn how to assist in the house before Mom is left to do everything herself!
NTA. Your brothers need to be taught how to do chores now or they’ll be the sort of men who engage in weaponized incompetence as adults.
NTA.
It’s been a week. You can move around if you have the energy but there is no point in you doing things that are too strenuous. You need to pay attention to your body.
It sounds like your mum is lazy and relies on you to do the work at home so she doesn’t have to. Do you have another person you can go to for recovery? If not make a doctor’s appointment and let them know you’re ill you just had surgery and you can’t recover at home and need assistance.
The people claiming doing dishes is fine, are lying to you or didn’t have the same type of surgery. On top of that you’re ill, so the energy your body should be using to recover is being used to fight of whatever you caught.
The Y T A and E S H votes are shocking. I had abdominal surgery and even if you aren’t lifting over 10 lb while doing dishes (which all the sticklers are citing in their bad votes) if you’re bending to put dishes into the dishwasher that’s a bad move one week out. You people do understand there are HOLES in OPs abdominal muscles??? You aren’t supposed to bend at all. At this point in recovery you’re meant to shuffle around from bed to couch to bathroom and get some steps in to break up the gas from the laparoscopy and get your blood moving. And… that’s pretty much all. Everyone here is dumb. NTA
absolutely nta, those post op instructions are there for a reason. does your mother know what coukd happen if you disregard those instructions? you could tear your stitches, you could get an infection, something internal could go wrong. Those instructions are there to help you heal and if she wont let you do that properly, that puts you at risk for something major, and thats on her head. NTA, but your mother sure is.
Info: have you called your surgeon’s office? If you’re still dizzy at this point, it’s worth calling or going to urgent care to make sure there isn’t an infection.
Absolutely NTA as someone recovering from surgery and your mom is gross for not making Little Lord Fauntleroy do the damn dishes and laundry
NTA. You’re sick and under doctor’s orders to rest. In my opinion, 10-12 is the age where kids should take on more chores anyways because they need to learn the importance of good housekeeping and sharing domestic Labour. This is not the Victorian era where even the middle class can afford a full-time cook and maid, we have to do it ourselves. We don’t cook or do dishes just because we’re expecting praise, we do these things because we need to do them to live.
I’m so glad that my parents and girl guides leaders taught me how to do chores and cooking when I was a teenager, because it made going to university that much easier already knowing how to take care of myself.
Absolutely NTA.
I had abdominal surgery with the recommendation of not lifting anything heavier than a newspaper for three weeks, no bending or stretching, as much bed rest as possible, and after the first week, gentle walks.
Do not do anything your surgeon told you not to do.
I lived with an ex at the time and they got cranky about it and I stupidly pushed myself too soon. Popped a stitch, ended up back in the hospital, and ended up having to take an additional week off of work. I was young and stupid but had a very stern nurse come in and talk with me.
I explained things needed to get done. She explained that it could have been much worse and my entire surgery could have been undone and I was lucky it was just a stitch and a little bleeding.
Nothing needs to be done more than you healing.
If you truly feel you are incapable of doing the dishes then NTA. That being said, doing the dishes is not “strenuous activity” and doesn’t involve lifting more than 10 lbs, so if you’re a week out from your surgery and genuinely can’t do it, you should probably go back to your doctor and get checked out.