For a bit of context: I (F22) have been with my BF (M21) for about 3 years now. When we first got together I was 19 and he was 18. My step dad, who I will refer to as just my dad, didn’t like him at all. He was very controlling about when we could hangout. At one point even telling him that he isn’t even allowed to speak to me or look at me while we hang out. And he got even worse after he found out that we had started having sex, mind you we were both adults and practicing safe sex. After he found out he became physically aggressive towards me and threatened my bf and even his family. It was a whole thing and my dad did a bunch of shit that ruined my relationship with him and soured my relationship with my mother who took his side. She kicked me out because she didn’t want to deal with the boy drama.
Fast forward- I lived with my aunt for about a half a year moved into my own apartment for about a year ago. I rarely speak to my parents. Although I do keep in touch for stuff relating to my sisters. My bf and I rarely go to family events or parties if they are there. When they are attending I go by myself.
Lately my parents have been trying to invite my bf over to family events. And they are becoming persistent. My mom has gone to great lengths to say how much better both her and my father are. My dad went started attending this Christian church with my mom and they’ve become born again Christians. I wouldn’t mention this usually except I was raised catholic and so was my dad, he was even baptized catholic. So to me it just felt like guilt being disguised by Christianity and their “you must forgive all because God forgives all”. And it’s been making both my bf and I uncomfortable. Not once has either my mom or dad apologized to me, let alone my bf for their behavior. My bf had expressed that he doesn’t want to be around my dad ever again and can’t even engage with him over phone calls without becoming anxious or even in some cases dissociate. Which I totally understand as I rarely am around him or talk to him and only do so because my mom throws a fit when I refuse to speak to him and she’s around.
It makes me feel like shit but I don’t know how to bring it up to my mom without her losing it and go crying to my dad that we must hate them and how they tried to hard to change and be better. And it’ll be a whole family drama with passive aggressive Facebook post and Snapchat stories. But my bf and I have had conversations at length that we don’t want to be around my dad and have even decided that when we plan on getting married, as we are dating for marriage, we don’t want him there and he will not be welcomed. Even if my dad apologized it wouldn’t change much for either of us because we can’t trust him or feel safe around him.
So WIBTA?
Your mother’s outbursts are emotional manipulation. Your bf said no. That’s the end of it. If they can’t accept it, then they need to face consequences. Support your partner. Faith and God have nothing to do with it at all. YWNBTA
We went zero contact with my inlaws, FIL was abusive in all ways and should be in prison. It’s been good for the last couple years and I cannot stand that thought of them in general…
Going no contact has its ups and downs for both of us, you can tell them politely that ‘we’ll see you when we are ready, don’t contact us.’
NTA, I’m sorry but your parents are manipulative and unapologetic. It’s not worth dealing with them with the context given.
NTA. Tell her and her husband that his treatment of you and bf isn’t magically erased because they are born again. They have made to effort to apologize for past abuse. They should be grateful you still speak to them.
Unfortunately that will give OP’s mom and stepdad hope that one day can reconcile when her BF clearly wants nothing to do with them.
You could try sending a firm, short message:
“We understand that you feel like you’re doing much better in your relationships now, and would like to have a relationship with us. You are asking for our forgiveness for previous events. One thing I need to point out is this — forgiveness is not something blindly given on its own. It comes with work. If you have put in the work to communicate better, and are willing to put in the work to make this a positive relationship, then part of that is apologizing. So far, neither of you have offered any kind of apology for ____. We would appreciate that, so that we can know that this is a serious request.”
If they’re offended by you needing an apology, then it doesn’t matter what they’ve said — they are NOT ready.
Becoming a “born again Christian” is not a get out of jail free card” in relationships. NTA
NTA
You are an adult…just stop going. An invitation is not a subpoena.
You are being a pretty crappy partner if you keep trying to get your BF to interact with people who physically threatened him. He is kind by not making it a him or them situation. Respect that.
Eventually you will need to grow a steel spine and inform your mom that her husband will not be welcome in your home/life events.
You will need to make a hard decision at some point. What happens if you get married, yes you will not invite your SD, but will he respect that? Will your mom? What will you do if they crash the event? What happens if you have children. You cannot expect your husband to be comfortable allowing HIS children around your parents. Will you support that? What if your spouse does not want your parents in your home, ever. Reasonable request, but how will YOU handle this?
You love your parents, that is obvious. But given the dynamic, it is smart to start making those hard lines now before you start on a new chapter where the lines will be required to be sturdier.
IF you WANT to go to a family event, go, just go alone. This will be the safest way for all concerned emotionally and potentially physically from what you have said.
NTA. If they genuinely want to rebuild this bridge, they need to apologise and stop hiding their shitty behaviour behind religion. You also have every right to tell them how it is, why the BF doesn’t want to associate, and if it upsets them, tough. They didn’t think twice about trying to hurt you.
They have to do all of the work here.
Hope you can mend things with them though.
“NO” is a complete sentence. NTA
NTA. Even if you and your BF chose to forgive your parents for their behavior, you can still refuse to be around them because you fear for your safety.
Just because he joined some church doesn’t mean your dad won’t get physical with you again, especially since born again Christians are really big on “children” obeying their parents. I’d bet money they want to see if they can get you under their control again and join their church and act like they want you to act instead of enjoying your own life without them as you are now.
It’s in the interest of your own safety that you keep your distance from them, and anyone who feeds them information about your life gets put on an info diet.
Using newly found religion to obscure your responsibility and accountability in prior situation is wildly immature. And makes me question the true nature of their newly found walk with Christ.
NTA – Attending church is not an apology. Attending church does not automatically mean you are a good or changed person, and I believe that’s reflected by the persistence of their behaviors and guilty on social media. I would recommend staying away if you have truly found peace.
“Mom, Dad – Until you apologize for past behaviors, we will not be attending any events – as we are still uncomfortable being around you all. Even with an apology what was done and how it was done was unacceptable and we value our mental health over your wish to be forgiven” NTA