I’m a 28-year-old man living with my Mom. I’ve been depressed for a while, but it’s been much harder to fake being happy these past few days. I talked to my Mom today about most of my issues this morning, but ended up making her cry :/
I have issues I can’t quite get into here, but maybe on a throwaway account. But to give you an idea of what’s going on, I’m in a situation where it’s hard (almost impossible) for me to find employment, social and interpersonal relationships have been ruined (or could be if my issue was found out), social anxiety that’s so bad I can’t talk to people on game Voice Chats, self-esteem issues that’s been prominent for years now, stressed about bills, etc. Basically, life is kicking my ass.
We were talking fine for about an hr, until she said something along the lines of "Anything is possible, you just have to try". Now this alone doesn’t upset me. What upsets me is that the situation I’m in has a literal close to 0% chance of working out. This is not hyperbole. I am serious. And the "trying" that she’s talking about would take at least 4 years to do. And if that "trying" doesn’t work out, I just wasted 4 years for nothing.
I tried to explain to her that while it technically isn’t impossible, it won’t work. Not being pessimistic necessarily, just realistic. It got more and more heated with her constantly defending the position of "If it ain’t impossible, you should go for it" stance. While I’m trying to make her understand that the chances of it working don’t justify the leap of faith and waste of resources and time.
She can get emotional when she’s upset, and I don’t think I’m wrong with what I’m saying objectively. But I feel like an asshole. I don’t want to make my Mom cry, but it pissed me off how simple and doable my situation is, when I know it’s not. But I do understand that she was trying to be supportive.
To give an example of the situation: Say I had cancer. Cancer that has a mortality rate of 99.99%. My argument is that it isn’t worth the emotional and capital investment to keep me alive. Her argument in this example would be akin to pulling all resources for that 0.01% chance.
So what do you guys think? Am I the Asshole here?
**Edit:** I’m seeing some comments asking for more context. I tried to purposefully keep this vague as I don’t want to go into too much detail. Not because I’m afraid of being wrong, but just that my situation is pretty fucked and I don’t want it associated with my reddit account.
What I can say is that I was incarcerated about 3 years ago. This crime made it insanely hard to find employment, but despite that I can still pay my own bills with ways I’ve found to hustle money. So Mommy isn’t paying my bills, but I have been living with her since.
Due to my criminal history (I’m not going to share what crime it was) I’m highly unlikely to get employed by any reputable company. Before my charge, I was on track to become a Financial Advisor or Analyst. A degree in Finance now is almost useless. But my Mom insists that I should go back to school and give it a shot.
I hope this is enough added context. This is my first post here, so sorry if I’m a little all over the place.
Edit 2: It seems the consensus here is that I’m the asshole. I’ve also taken away good advice that I should next time let it be known if I’m just trying to vent, or actually looking for a solution. I’m gonna go apologize…
Are you going to jail?
YTA- not to your mom but to yourself. Yeah, the whole “nothings impossible” especially when your brain and life aren’t reflecting that, feels like a slap in the face. But your also saying your current situation is kicking your ass, and something that could lead to a solution “could be a waste of 4 years”. Let me ask you, what are you doing now that you can’t be doing that? At least you’d have a path forward that takes you to a different place. Anything you do could be for better or worse, sometimes we just have to do -Something-. Anything. And I think that as more your moms point rather than trying to be a toxic optimist. You could just as easily keep doing what you are, and stay stagnated. If you don’t like your life, do something to change it.
You need serious, professional therapy. This is even more serious than cancer and mental health should be treated as seriously as any physical illness or injury. A lot of mental illnesses require medications in addition to talk therapy to recover. There should be no shame in this. Many of us have been through similar and were able to heal.
YTA. You haven’t not mentioned anything about what you’re doing to help yourself.
Stop dumping on your Mum. She’s trying to look after you and you’re telling her it’s not worth it. She is the one person who’ll love you unconditionally.
The way you have laid out your situation, you’ve made it impossible for anyone to help you.
It’s not a coincidence how similar this is to how you dealt with your Mom.
We can’t evaluate a situation of you being an asshole or not unless we have the details of your situation. It kind of feels like you are trying to solicit validation that has no depth to it so you can simply say, “See! Everyone agrees. It’s hopeless.”
All that said, you have my sympathy. But I have no way of know if YTA.
So I guess my actual response is INFO. Tell us truly what’s up.
YTA you need to find an professional therapist to talk to, not your mother. An objective third party you can trust will help a lot more. Please don’t think it’s hopeless, nothing ever is hopeless in the long run.
YTA: You like to Trauma bump, you sound like a super negative person to be around. You are able to identify all of your issues; yet also make excuses for not doing anything to make them better.. Not everything can be fixed, but you can do/learn things to lessen the impact they have on us and/or those around us.
I don’t know… when you say you made her cry, did the way you spoke to her make her cry? Or is she just crying over the situation and your refusal to do anything about it?
Without knowing the full context of the situation, no one here can make a justifiable judgement. Snapping at your mom for being supportive does sound assholish, but maybe it was needed.
We just don’t know. 🤷🏻♀️
No judgement without further info.
Those four years are going to pass no matter what, so so what if it takes at least for years to try and fix something and it doesn’t work out in the end.
I don’t have a judgement, because as someone who’s been on both sides this is too difficult for me to touch, but if you need a place to vent or just chat about nothing, I promise I’m judgement free and there’s no friendship decay, we can go weeks without talking! I’ll pick back up like nothing happened. <3
I’m 99% sure that you are not objective at all. It’s impossible that you can’t get a job, can’t have any friends or partner ever and that your anxiety will never improve.
Convicts with fraud, violent crimes, etc can still find jobs ( obviously not the best kind). Go to therapy to help your anxiety and follow their indication with pills. A mix of both medication AND therapy is usually what’s best. Once anxiety is good, you can have friends and partners. Even if you have been in jail before.
I fully understand how your mom’s ” just be positive” attitude and to try ridiculously low chance stuff is frustrating and not helpful. If you tried to rob a bank for exemple and you dream job is to be an accountant for a bank… absolutely do not waste multiple years getting a degree for something that will never happen.
When I was depressed, I did make my parents cry, cause they were so frustrated, felt helpless and it hurt to see me this sad. It took years but slowly it got better. Now I “just” have anxiety and it’s kept more stable thanks to medication.
“Say I had cancer. Cancer that has a mortality rate of 99.99%. My argument is that it isn’t worth the emotional and capital investment to keep me alive. Her argument in this example would be akin to pulling all resources for that 0.01% chance.” … not comparable at all.
So you put yourself in a shitty sitaution that makes your life massively harder.
What you have achieved: YOu found a way to pay your bills. Quite the achievement., Things don’t seem to be as hopless as you think. Can you make a career out of it?
As for your future: YOu made it harder. The only way to compensate for that is to work harder to compensate. And you seem to have made the sucesful first step: You reached a stable state, where you can pay your way. – now you have all the time to get therapy, and plan the next incremental step. And after that, the next one.
Good luck!
\>I’m in a situation where it’s hard (almost impossible) for me to find employment, social and interpersonal relationships have been ruined (or could be if my issue was found out)
Three years incarcerated, and potentially life-ruining if found out. Yeah, I don’t think this is related to a violent crime like robbery.
YTA just for that. Doubly so for making your mother cry. She’s desperate to see you settled and able to take care of yourself.