i was involved with someone on and off for a few years. we finally met irl last year and had a great relationship, but there was no label really. when i brought it up to him he said that he didn’t feel romantically (despite acting otherwise), which was fine feelings change. the one thing was he promised to tell me if his feelings changed, because we had a lot of baggage we needed time to trust each other after a rocky start. anyway it ended because of that but mostly because i had no more trust or chances to give him.
but few months later i see he has publicly posted this poem about me with drawings and such. lines like "i rub you into my skin i fold you into my laundry" and a plethora of i love yous. there was no action behind these words so what was i suppose to do? deep down i wish he would come back because this vulnerability would have saved the relationship.
months later i run into him and he’s with a new guy. i was furious, not that he was with someone (though that pissed me off), but because i realized i had almost fallen for a trap to bait me or something. i called him after and i got really confrontational and upset with him. he told me the pieces didn’t mean anything, and that he was just "spinning the yarn" he also mentioned another art thing he made which i look up after and it had similar content. he said we were never a thing because he never gave me a hanjob. extra disgusting bcs he knew about my ptsd around sex.
i sent him a really nasty text message after the phone call. the text was insulting him and telling him he is a narcissist, i also gave him case in point where he failed to be honest with me but would treat me as a significant other.i told him he was my biggest mistake and regret. dogged on him for being a coward. etc etc. i also called his new bf chopped (yes i know that this comment does in fact make me an asshole). told him he was a shitty person. btw all his friends thought we were dating.
this person has always known i liked him, and thats an understatement i was obsessed with him. i have bpd so when i love i love hard, and when it ends it eats me up and this has been the hardest relationship grief i have ever felt, it’s taken a toll on my body and mind. the reason why things ended well was because i understood that the door has closed and we’re both moving on, but after seeing the things he wrote about me in the back of my mind now there is this big what if and a giant contradiction. i found it to be extremely cruel to make something like that about someone you rejected and you know how much they struggle to move on. and now i know it’s all deliberate and was to get a reaction from me? i’m trying to be okay with never knowing but honestly it’s eating my up alive. i’m doing weekly therapy again i haven’t done that since i was suicidial in my late teens.
TLDR am i an asshole for sending insulting text messages to someone who used me for his personal artistic gain?
Info: How did you know the poems and such were about you? You were on and off for a few years with no label. And then he released the poem months after you ended the “relationship”.
he admitted it when we spoke! also it was far too descriptive of things that happened and experiences we had together. he also described my scent to the tea lol
Spicy but nta. Red flags are red flags for a reason and he is loaded. Run fast run far, too many great green flags out there to waste any more time
yeah, you’re definitely an asshole for the insults, but it’s very clear you’re also a mess, so good luck with that.
i am indeed a mess! hence the return to therapy
NTA. This reads like someone who wanted the emotional validation and artistic inspiration without taking responsibility for the impact on you. Posting intimate, romantic content publicly after rejecting you is messed up, full stop. Were the texts harsh? Yes. But they came after months of mixed signals, dishonesty, and reopening wounds you were actively trying to close. I’m glad you’re back in therapy. Block him everywhere and don’t let him keep accessing you as “material.”
ESH
You’re not upset that he posted poetry about you, you’re upset that he didn’t behave the way that you wanted him to after the fact. You made a lot of assumptions about where he was at and you were wrong, it sucks but it happens.
He definitely messed with you, he’s self absorbed and attention seeking, he was probably in his feelings and then catching whatever wave was convenient. He sucks and you should forget him, not harass the shit out of him for not being interested anymore.
You weren’t dating, he made that clear, it’s an asshole move considering that he knew how you felt but what did you expect? He’s an asshole. There’s no magic combination of words that you can say to make him realize that he hurt you because he already knows, he just doesn’t care. Next time only give as much as someone is giving you. Don’t give everything you have and then crash out when it’s not reciprocated after they told you as much.
i wouldn’t say he ever made it clear. i didn’t go into detail cause we’d be here all day. but the relationship did start out romantic then it stopped for external reasons and we reconnected after years and neither of us were sure about whether it was platonic or romantic. the only thing we agreed to do together was to explore and be honest with each other. his promise to me was honesty and my promise to him was space and time, both of which i needed myself. i checked in with him multiple times. he had many chances to inform me but he didn’t and that was the nail in the coffin.
the only time he told me was well after we had seen each other for months, hung out multiple times consistently every week, he’d ask to match outfits with me, or facetime or call well for hours on end. we also went on a trip abroad together. but ur right he knew what he was doing when i asked him if he thought a future partner would be okay with how much we hung out and talked he said no, because why would anybody be?
anywho thank you for reminding me that he doesn’t gaf, i keep trying to hold onto this factor bcs its genuinely helpful but my mind always loves to idealize. appreciate u
Maybe time away from him is what’s best
NTA, he liked the idea of you in his head and the “aesthetic” of pining more than he actually liked the reality of being with you.
The things he wrote about you were lies. Yes it is cruel how he treated you, that doesn’t make it okay to insult his current boyfriend someone who didn’t harm you in any way. There used to be a justified asshole ruling and that’s what I’d go with, so in the absence of that I guess ESH except the new boyfriend.