So for about a year or so, My best friend has been talking to his ex and just being overly attached. She currently has a boyfriend of 2 years and my best friend and her have been separated for more than 2.
A few days ago, I overheard him talking to her because he forgot to mute in discord and once he found out I was listening; he promptly left the call. Him and I had discussed about him moving on but he’s so persistent on sticking around for her.
Eventually having enough of his BS, on the same night, I ended up going behind his back and talked to his ex. We discussed how creepy he was being with constantly asking her how her new boyfriend was treating her after multiple attempts of turning him down. Even going as far to saying he wanted to do things to himself. We mutually agreed that she needed to block him.
Fast forward to today around an hour ago of me writing this, he found out I had messaged her because he sent a video on instagram for me to watch and I was sharing my screen so he was able to see my DMs and saw her name. After an awkward back and forth of me trying to keep the secret; I eventually caved in and told him the truth. He immediately broke down and said I broke his trust and how we both treated him like a pest. He eventually left the call.
Now Im wondering if I should’ve went about it this way or even got involved.
NTA. You did the right thing, and it sounds like his ex needed someone to tell her that she wasn’t the only one who was uncomfortable
If she was really bothered by her ex messaging her, she would have blocked him a long time ago. He’s being creepy and weird, has he made claims about hurting himself if she stopped talking to him? Because if that’s the case he needs a hotline, he needs real help.
ESH, you the least, but your friend sucks for trying to get back with his ex, ex sucks for continuing to take his messages, and you kinda suck for talking to his ex. Your buddy needs to move on, and possibly talk to a professional because what he’s doing isn’t healthy at all.
NTA. Your best friend is upset that his ex is in a new relationship and instead of moving on, he continues to find ways to talk to her. She should’ve blocked him a long time ago without you having to tell her. Wonder why she’s still entertaining his advances if she doesn’t feel comfortable with it…
My guess is to keep him from doing something because he has an anger problem according to her.
That explains it. Might I ask why you’re friends with a guy with anger issues who has no qualms about emotionally manipulating his ex?
ESH. Your friend was being wildly inappropriate and needed a reality check, especially with the emotional manipulation stuff. But going behind his back to message his ex crossed a line. You should’ve set firmer boundaries with him or pushed him toward help instead of inserting yourself directly into their dynamic. Your intentions weren’t bad, but the execution blew up the trust.
ESH
The gf sounds relatively faithless. She broke up with him and has a new partner, but she is still chatting/flirting with your friend. I am willing to bet money her new guy would not be thrilled with this in the slightest.
Your friend is being a jerk to himself. If he was just being friendly, he wouldn’t have ended the call you overheard. The relationship ended and she moved on, he needs to as well.
You don’t need to police your friend’s life. You had great intentions and were looking out for his best interests, but it wasn’t your place. Sorry.
This is a difficult one because did you do something AH-y – well yes. Your friend will see you as being an AH for going behind is back.
Was being an AH the right thing to do? Definitely yes. Your friend may not see it right now, but hopefully when he does move on from her he’ll see that what you did was for his benefit.
Sometimes doing the right thing for someone does mean doing something they don’t like. The easy thing would have been to have stayed out of it, but realistically who is that helping? Not your friend, he clearly hasn’t moved on. Not the ex, she still has to put up with this.
Well done for your courage in helping out your friend, even if right now he doesn’t like you for it. I hope he relises quickly that you did this from a place of love, not maliciousness.
ESH.
You were right to be concerned about how obsessed he was, but you crossed a line by messaging his ex. She’s her own person and perfectly capable of blocking him herself if she wanted to.
The fact that she kept entertaining him while being in a relationship herself doesn’t really add up with her claiming she found him creepy, but I digress.
A better approach would’ve been to suggest that your friend talk to a professional who could help him process his feelings, especially concerning the things he said about hurting himself. Instead, you got too involved and ended up breaking his trust.
Looking at it from the outside ESH *but* I probably would have done the same thing in your shoes
YTA Mind your own business. I hope you’re in high school because that’s how this reads.
YTA. You could have told him, maybe a bit more directly than you did, that he really needed to stop contacting his ex if he really respected her (and didn’t want a restraining order against him), but the minute you went behind his back and not only discussed but came to an agreement with his ex about how she should handle him, you were way out of line. You’ve probably lost any friendship you had with him, and any influence you might have had over him.
NTA/ESH I would normally say you went too far contacting her and should have just stepped back and let him not get over her if he didn’t want to move on yet BUT it sounds like from your conversation with the ex that she was feeling uncomfortable and maybe even a little unsafe with him. Reaching out to her to help and support her in getting distance from him is NTA, reaching out to her to “save” him behind his back is YTA.
And your friend definitely YTA – threatening to ___ yourself if someone won’t do what you want is manipulation and borderline abusive behavior. You should not support your friend pulling that shit or otherwise harassing his ex under the label of love.
If she was so creeped out by him why was she answering his calls at all? That’s kinda odd