I, Theena a F-Asian (34), works at a very lay back company. Before starting, I was told that we are free to take a short break during work hours to chat with co-workers. They encourage it so everyone doesn’t get burnt out. However, we need to keep it under 10 minutes each time and get all our work done before leaving. Mind you, people curse and talk about nsfw stuff all the time. I do not do it because I don’t want to offend anyone.
The first 7 month, I hardly talked because I am the type who does not want to bother others. I was raised to respect others and only speak when spoken to. However, I still try my best by asking everyone if they want any snacks or coffee when I go get myself some. I want to show people I that even if I don’t talk, I am still nice and would like to be friends. But I have poor social skills and am a bit shy. I’m also the only Asian in the company and maybe even in the town. So I do not know what to say to connect with others.
Still, despite me trying my best to be kind and quiet, people find a way to talk crap about me. They would saying, oh, you don’t talk to us because you don’t like us. Or she thinks she is better because all she do is work and not talk. I was baffled and cut them off saying "That is not true, I have tried talking but I get ignored by everyone. If you talk to me, I will talk with you." They just look at me as if I didn’t say anything and continue talking to each other.
Everyday they talk shit about others behind their backs as if they are perfect. The top shit talker is Brittany, a F-White (38) . The others aren’t as bad as they are just listening and agreeing with her.
She talks very loud about none work related thing everyday and say things that probably shouldn’t be said at work. She always try to make every conversation about herself. Which can be distracting when I am working.
Hearing what they said about me and what they say about others, I decided that I should at least make one friend so they don’t think I am stuck up for not talking. I do not like drama so I started opening up more to one of my co working name Leah, F-White (24). She is very sweet and funny so it was easy to get along with her.
It has 9 month now, I am still quiet but talk here and there with Leah.
Yesterday, I was talking to Leah about " What if ghost can’t swim and they died at the bottom of the ocean, it would be sad because all they see is darkness." It was about a good 5 minutes of the conversation and Brittany cut in mid conversation. She said. "Excuse me, but are you guys talking about work related stuff?" I replied "no." Then she stated, "Then why are you guys talking if it isn’t work stuff?" I replied, "well, you do it all the time, so why can’t we? "She said, "Well, you never said anything about it."
(rest of story in comments.)
I didn’t want to start shit so I said. “Ok.” and walked away since I was on my way to drop off paperwork anyway.
I was pissed, because the audacity of her to complain when she always talks super loud everyday about not work things. Mind you, sometime they would talk for 15 minute to even an hour. Which is more than 10 minutes. But I don’t complain. I also hardly speak, so idk why she is making a fuss as if I do?
So today, she started talking about passports and never traveled before with Leah. Non work related stuff for almost 5-10 minutes. So I got annoyed and said. “Interesting. I thought you said we can’t talk about things that are not work related?”
She got mad and said. “No one every said that.” I said “well. didn’t you yell at us yesterday for talking about non work stuff?”
Brittany replied. “I was asking you guys politely to quiet down.” I replied. “No, that wasn’t what you said.”
She angrily said. “It is unacceptable for you to talk loudly when not everyone is included in the conversation. I’ve asked nicely.”
So I said. “Which you don’t? Funny, I’ll remember that the next time.” She got angry and then went and told my boss.
My boss pulled Leah and I to her office. Saying that ” What is said should not be put to heart and that there must had been a misunderstand. You are not in trouble but we just need to watch what we said.” My boss mention that Brittany said I started thing with her when all she did was asked me nicely to quiet down. So I told me boss the full story that Brittany is lying because she never did asked nicely. That Brittany told us “why are we talking if it isn’t work related” as if she doesn’t talk herself.
I noted that, Brittany twist her words to sound like she was being nice when she wasn’t. That Brittany is the one who always talk loud and I find it irritating that she is angry at someone who hardly talks but is OK with everyone else talking except me.
My boss agree saying, “Yes, she does talk loud and I can here her in my office. This is why I have your back, but just try to keep it quiet, which I know you do. Brittany is probably having a lot on her mind so she might of said it in a wrong way.”
I just agree and went back to work.
Towards the end of the day, lord and behold, guess who is talking super loud about “non work related thing for the last 30 minutes?” You guessed it, Brittany.
I was annoyed and told Leah, if she it petty, I am going to be petty and report every time she is loud like how she did us. Leah said, “I’m over it, it is what ever”. I told Leah, “if you let people step all over you, they will think it is OK. They will keep snitching on you and eventually the boss would take their side because they have many complaints about you while you kept quiet. I learned from my experience. No matter how nice you are, the person who is quiet and work hard will always get kick around while the loud person who talks none stop gets praised.”
Leah said, “It isn’t a big deal.” I then said, “If it isn’t a big deal, she wouldn’t had try to report us.” Leah doesn’t look happy with what I said.
Last thing I said was. “I don’t know what everyone wants from me because when I don’t talk, you guys said I hate you guys, but when I talk, I am too loud. (Which I don’t even talk loud.) So I can’t talk and not talk?”
Note, I wanted to let you guys know that Brittany had given me attitude twice before but I stay quiet. But never once did she yell at others for talking louder than me just because they were either talking to her or because they are her friends. Apparently only I am not allow to talk.
I don’t know what her issue is with me because again, I offer her coffee, I bought her drinks before, I got her favorite candy for her when she was sick, I even got her a bag of candy for Halloween. Like I’m nice to her.
I think she was annoyed because she wasn’t included in the conversation because she did say “It is unacceptable for you to talk loudly when not everyone is included in the conversation”. I don’t know what her issues it.
Am I the asshole for calling Brittany out? Or the asshole for wanting to report her back?
Am I the asshole for telling Leah to stick up for herself because I felt Leah was annoyed of me. I know Leah talks with Brittany as well so maybe she is upset I want to be petty back to Brittany?
What do I do?
I don’t think your the a hole for returning her energy but about the ghosts wow that’s dark and insightful
Yeah, but know Idk if I said to much because everyone at works loves her because she is the type who talks to everyone and fake being nice. So I am worried people would talk crap about me for standing up for myself. I’m the quiet one so it would be easy to pick on me. So I felt like maybe I might be an asshole to everyone else eyes. So do I just stop talking in general yo avoid drama? Also, yeah, the paranormal stuff was random.
Random but like damn you right no you should not stop talking at the office she’s a bully good on you for standing up for yourself you aren’t breaking any rules she’s just mad you called her out
NTA, don’t think about Brittany as a rational person. She’s using manipulation techniques. She’s a bully. Simple as that. And I’m sorry you need to endure that.
I’d strongly advise you to find another job honestly. Their whole social dynamic seems fucked. Even your job saying you have the RIGHT to take 10min breaks to chat with coworkers is fucked. That’s a given. People talk to coworkers all the time. About anything. For more than 10 minutes.
Facing a bully can be done in multiple ways, but at work, I just wouldn’t risk it and just leave. Going to your boss (with the complaint being that she’s loud) might make you seem as part of the drama as much as Brittany, and they may think then that you’re just two mean girls equally disliking each other.
At most I’d advise you to have a chat with your boss about the situation. Just citing what she said to you, how, how you’ve been treating everyone, and that you feel there’s nothing you can do to stop the mean comments. And that it makes you anxious at work and walk on eggshells. Just a heads up to your boss so that they know and can look out in the future.
But I really love my job. I love doing accounting. I just don’t like the “popular people vibe”. My job is very fun because I love working with numbers. So IDK if I should just not talk anymore. Go back to being non social able since I really do like my job. Just not some people. Also, I can see what you mean about the two mean girl drama part. You are very right. I probably should report her too. Thank you
NTA. You followed the same workplace norms everyone else was already using, and Brittany tried to police you specifically. That’s not about “work stuff,” that’s about control and picking on the quiet person. You didn’t insult her, you didn’t raise your voice, you just pointed out the obvious double standard. Honestly, good for you for standing up for yourself for once.
NTA – this woman sounds like a mean girl. But I don’t see how your ethnicities are relevant. Has she given you the impression she treats you differently from the white people in the office or said anything that could be seen as racist?
I am letting you know my race because I am the only Asian and I do not know what to say to connect with them because I like things they don’t like or view things differently. For example, they don’t like Asian food so I do not know how to talk to them about food. I have offered them Asian snack and they didn’t want it. They said they tried some Japanese candy before and it was disgusting. So they didn’t want to try what I offered. I can’t connect with them via food. They also don’t watch the same TV or movie as me since they don’t watch international movies. They value their family different from how Asian value their family so they can’t understand my family issue and I can’t understand their reason as well. Race has to do a lot with it if you can’t connect due to different culture. So I do not know what to say to connect.
I see, thank you for explaining. Honestly, refusing a snack by saying you’ve had a Japanese snack before and it was disgusting (are you even Japanese) was rude at best but feels borderline racist…
I’m not Japanese. I’m Hmong.
Who isn’t the asshole? This sounds like high school. You don’t retaliate report, as the boss will get annoyed with both of you for being childish. She’s a loud jerk, every office has one. Leah sounds mature.