AITA for refusing to cover extra weekends so my ex can have time off with his girlfriend?
My ex and I have been separated for nearly two years. We share a 2.5-year-old. He works shift work, so our parenting schedule has always been built around that.
Our agreed arrangement is:
• He has our son 2 out of every 3 weekends
• Plus either two mornings or two afternoons midweek, depending on his shifts
I’m a stay-at-home mum and recently started a small baking business to make ends meet, so I rely heavily on the weekends he has our son in order to work.
Recently, I asked if he could have our son for five consecutive days so I could complete a driving crash course and take my driving test. He agreed and gave me dates.
However, those dates created a gap of two consecutive weekends where he would not have our son at all. I questioned this, as it deviated from our usual 2/3 weekend agreement. He said, “That’s the best I can do since I’m having him for your driving.”
I later found out the reason for the weekend gap was that he wanted child-free time to see his new girlfriend. He did not tell me this directly or ask if I was okay with covering extra weekends. He simply assumed I would.
For context, I had already met his girlfriend at this point, and there were no concerns about her being around our son. I’ve made it clear I’m comfortable with him seeing her while he has our son, so he would still be able to maintain their relationship without giving up his agreed parenting time.
I told him I was uncomfortable with this because:
• I already rely on weekends to work
• When I’ve previously covered extra childcare for his holidays or illness, I’ve never asked for time back
• I don’t think agreed parenting time should be reduced in order to prioritise seeing a partner, especially when alternative arrangements are possible
He now says I’m being unreasonable and unfair, and that I should be flexible because he helped me with my driving.
AITA for refusing to cover the extra weekends and sticking to our agreed schedule?
EDIT – I’ve also helped him out loads. With holidays, Change in schedule and also illnesses. But I wouldn’t then expect him to cover extra days because I helped him. The issue I have is that he demanded it and let me believe it was because he had to work. No discussion. When it was to see his girlfriend.
If he had come to me and asked for the weekend off to see her, would have been a different situation
EDIT EDIT – THE ISSUE ISNT THE WEEKEND. ITS THE LACK OF ASKING. I’m always happy to help whenever and adjust our days ( like I did when he took his gf on holiday ) the issue isn’t he didn’t ask and just assumed. I just want mutual respect. I love our son and hate not seeing him but if I didn’t have this business I wouldn’t be able to put food in our fridge. I’m working all night as it is and getting up with him in the morning just to make ends meet
NAH You ask him for a favor. He complies, and as a result, you deviate from the parenting plan. You’re free to stick to the parenting plan, but don’t expect him to be flexible.
I think both of you have to come and go a bit. If you want to stay amicable for the sake of your son, then you both have to compromise. Your ex already did and IMO, it’s reasonable for him to expect the same from you.
But you’ve asked him to take extra days for your driving thing.
YTA if this is a one time exchange: Him getting a weekend with his girlfriend in exchange for you getting 5 days in a row free so you can work on your driving; that is perfectly reasonable, and it is outrageous for you to try to sabotage his relationship. What’s your problem; are you jealous?
If it is an ongoing thing it can transition to N.A.H. as long as it is a reasonable exchange and agreed changes with give and take. If he chooses to have all weekends free is when it may shift to N.T.A.
But really – Are you expecting him to give you the 5 days that inconvenience him for nothing in return? Are you actively trying to sabotage his relationship? – Why?
Agreed. Sounds like OP needed to ask for 7 consecutive days if that’s what she wanted. She’s being a choosy beggar
I think ESH.
You can’t pass around the kid like it’s a ball because “you have to work”, and clearly, you and your ex don’t get along well enough to make a schedule without any arguments. On top of that, having a schedule based on work schedule means that you either work or have your kid meaning never having free time and that leads to stressed out parents who aren’t fully there for their kids.
Time to get in front of a judge to get a fixed custody schedule and for both you and your ex to learn to find childcare like all the parents in the world do when they have a job.
YTA.
He switched his parenting days to accommodate your request, you can’t be mad the new schedule gave him more weekends without your son.
I don’t think she’s mad the new schedule gave him more days without his son… I think she’s mad it gave him a weekend with his girlfriend… I think she’s jealous.
How are you a stay at home mom? Who pays your bills? Do you live with your parents
YTA.
It’s not “extra weekends” that he requested; it’s the trade-off for the days that you have requested.
YTA. His reason doesn’t matter. He changed the schedule to accommodate you, now he wants accommodation. You can say no, but don’t expect him to change dates for you in the future.
It’s ok for him to try to get extra days back, and you can do that, too.
If you haven’t already , get a court agreement in place. It will help with an overall plan that’s fair for both.
YTA
>I later found out the reason for the weekend gap was that he wanted child-free time to see his new girlfriend.
You were cool with it until you found that out, now you’re claiming it’s because “he assumed you would”. He assumed you would because he told you what he could do and you were okay with it until you found out why.
Also, are you a stay at home mom or are you a small business owner?
If you’re a stay at home mom there should be someone else in the home who can help you take care of the child or help to provide for child care on the weekends when you need to work. If there isn’t then you are just unemployed with a hobby that pays a little. If that’s the case you need to get a job to support yourself and your child. If that requires changing the custody agreement and/or the two of you figuring out child care, so be it.
YTA
You asked for him to change the schedule to accommodate you. Why shouldn’t he get time for something he wants as well?
This was all fine with you until you found out it was for the gf. It’s hard not to read this as jealousy or bitterness.
This isn’t really an AITA question, it’s an AITIdiot question. You need him to take these five days so you can get your driver’s license. His condition of giving you those five consecutive days is that you take an extra weekend, which is not unreasonable. If you refuse to take the extra weekend, he will refuse to give you the five days, and then you won’t be able to get your driver’s license. If you want to shoot yourself in the foot because you’re pissed your ex is spending time with his girlfriend, that’s your choice but it doesn’t sound like a very smart one.