*BFF knows I’m posting this and we just want to humorously determine who wins the argument
Backstory: We have been best friends about 20 years (day 1 of HS). We have lived together, traveled a lot together, I moved across the country and when they broke up with their partner of 10 years they immediately moved to me. In high-school we always dreamed of running away to New York and living that life. We have since discussed going to NY as a specific dream trip a lot.
My best friend recently got a sugar daddy (who keeps the relationship secretive). This guy doesn’t know our history but makes comments here and there about how close we are or how he’s going to make me jealous. My BFF always has a lineup so I don’t care and think it’s hilarious to joke back about it.
Well now that they went to San Francisco, SD is trying to plan a trip to New York next. ASAP. He’s sending the hotel he’s going to book and naming their adgenda, etc.
I have made it VERY apparent that that’s not a joke to me and I will be upset if they go without me. At first I joked "ok well don’t forget my ticket and spare room" but its just gone on too long now and the plans are still coming. To the point that I’m officially starting to not like the guy.
So I was like "alright I will pay my own way, but again you’re not going for the first time ever without me, that’s just rude" and we start discussing taking a train trip there (train trip is also one of our dream trips). So together we start finding train schedules, pricing things, I found someone to come with to help with cost and make it not a 3rd wheel thing. Really putting in genuine effort.
But SD is dead set on "No I’m taking you alone. We are flying. No change of plans"
So my BFF and I are "fighting" (laughing still) on the phone that while I love him and realize I’m being a crap friend for telling him he "can’t" go on this trip without me, that if he does legitimately go on this trip I will need to take a break from the friendship to assess who we are as people and where priorities lie.
Basically my stance is that I want to go the FIRST time. Where we both have the wonder in our eyes and are so excited to be there. I don’t want to take the 2nd trip and hear about all the stops *this SD who won’t be around in a year* took them or "oh last time I was here…" I want the fresh, unadulterated moments of visiting NY after wanting to our whole lives.
I’m pretty sure IATA, but my BFF also says I might be TA but I’m also not wrong. He says his main reason not to go is that it would put him in the "I’m the bad friend" hotseat that I’m holding currently lol
Thoughts?
**UPDATE – I have read a lot of these over with BFF. Laughing hysterically at how many people think a dream trip to NYC is financially no biggie and not understanding why we haven’t gone in 20 yrs (we were 13 y/o at the start of the 20 yrs so woah buddy).
Specifically "a trip to NYC is only about $3k you couldn’t save that in 20 years?" Like, yes we’ve had that savings, but legit are people wealthy enough to think blowing $3k (which is way less than we would spend on a DREAM TRIP) is normal or even conceivable? We both agree that we’ve had way more important ways to spend 3k over the last 20 yrs. And I’ve funded multiple less than 1k week long trips around the US over 20 years. Mostly camping but always amazing cheap trips.
He said I didnt give enough context that we’re both finally not in a financially dire situation where this ultimate NYC trip has become a real possibility vs a dream.
BFF has also said he’s definitely not going to NY w/o me because the entire purpose would be to go together. He’s explained to SD that they can go literally anywhere else in the world and offering to go to NY was a sweet gesture but ultimately not the intention of going to NY just to go but rather that we get to experience NY the way we’ve always talked about. BFF said "I’m glad this happened honestly bc it’s going to push us to finally take this trip!" 🩷
Again this was a lighthearted post but dang y’all really came for my character in the comments lol. BFF will forever use "my death grip on his life" against me so thanks for that one! We laughed at all of these comments tho so hakuna matata 😅
NAH. But I think that means you should go alone your first time too, then your second time you can go together. My roommates went to Chicago and the second time they took me and literally all I heard was “last year we-” “knew we had to take you here because last year it was-” “last year I-” which is fine. Cool they got to go. But I chose not to go again the next year because it was a little less fun for me to listen to them remembering the year before the entire time, while I was having my first year.
YTA
Your inability to do something shouldn’t prevent someone else from doing this thing. It’s been years. Why haven’t you just done it? And why should he wait around for you?
Either get off your ass and make it happen or stop fucking complaining about.
Ultimately, you’r envious and acting out because of it, which makes you an AH.
You’ve had 20 years to make this happen, but haven’t done it.
You don’t get to hold people to “dream trips” from 20 years ago.
They’re allowed to do things without you.
YTA.
YTA.
If you wanted to go together, you would have made a plan to do it years ago. You didn’t, now you’re jealous someone else is going with them and you’re trying to insert yourself into their plans and change the nature of their *very transactional, job-like* relationship with someone else.
YTA. Your BFF should miss out because of you? No. And why are you involved in these conversations between them? No. Don’t hold your friend back or prioritize yourself to his detriment.
a relationship even if it’s shitty always comes first YTA for sure for even asking to come much less demanding it
LOL This can’t be real.. YTA – you can’t expect your friend to hold off for a dream trip so you can go with… save money, and take a trip later together – get over the fact that BFF will have already seen it.
20 years of planning to go to new york?? yeah YTA jesus christ how long was the friend supposed to wait before going? i’m sorry that it’s disappointing but this is happening and YWBTA for imposing on their trip.
YTA. This sounds really really immature. Your friend gets to go where they want, when they want, with who they want. If you can’t understand that then you’re a controlling friend that needs to relax your death grip on your friends life.
My first reaction is if you’ve wanted to go to New York for 20 years, why didn’t you just…go to New York? However, it also sounds like your friend wanted you to come so the SD sucks for refusing. ESH.
Yta
Take your other friend and still go. You just won’t be going with the friend you originally wanted to do the trip with. Let them fly while you and your other friend take the train.
Edit to add judgment: ESH. This trip should have already happened with you two. Your friend is only going now because someone else is paying, which is a little on the AH side, but you holding them back or attempting to is also on the AH side of things. Just go with the current plan and leave before they do, so you get there at the same time or before them, as they will be flying in. Sugar daddy can’t stop you from traveling on your own dime.
YTA suck it up and wish your friend well. Do the right thing.
YTA – going to NYC isn’t all that expensive. If you both truly had this shared dream there’s no reason you couldn’t have made it happen in 20 years.