I (34f) asked husband (43m) to not text his therapist at night, which endedr in an argument and him calling me crazy (maybe I am, idk).
He just started seeing this therapist last week and I’m really proud of him. He has needed to be in therapy for awhile now. I won’t get into the details why. I have been in therapy since September and the therapist he is seeing was recommended by mine. They are at the same agency, but she sees her clients via telehealth due to be located out of state. I have talked to this therapist and she is really nice. She is also really pretty. This post is not to say anything about her professionalism, because she has been nothing but professional. Well this week, they have already had two sessions and will be having a third one tomorrow in preparation for a psychiatry appointment that he will be going to.
So I see him texting her last night and I asked why. He said it was to let her know about a recommendation that she gave him for one of the things he is working on and how his best friend used said recommendation when also dealing with the same issue so he thinks it to be the right track. I asked why he couldn’t wait til his appointment to tell her and he countered with asking if I had an issue with texting her. I said I found it inappropriate for him to be texting her at that hour. He got irritated with me and I asked how he would feel if my therapist was a guy (which she isn’t) and Inwas messaging him at night. He just blew off my concern.
I proceeded to bring up the fact that I don’t use male massage therapist out of respect for him (he finds it inappropriate). He said it was different. He’s just talking to her, a massage is some guy touching my body. I brought up the fact that his love language is touch, mine is not, it’s quality time (talking and getting to know every aspect of my partner). And that him being concerned about me getting a massage from a dude is the same in comparison with him talking and revealing his most complete self to another woman. He couldn’t come up with a refute to this point so I just stated that it was a double standard and he said “yup.” This is when I brought up the real issue. I told him that I don’t get massages by guys because he has requested it and I’m his wife and I want to respect him, but I feel like he lacks the same respect for me.
If I tell him I don’t feel comfortable with something, it’s never “oh, well I don’t want to make you feel like that.”
Instead I got “you’re fucking crazy, I’m not going to cheat on you with my therapist.”
It’s not unheard of… ya know?
Yes, I know she’s a therapist and it’s her job to talk to him, and we both have insecurities (there’s good reason for that). I would not take issue with him messaging her in the portal app if he needed to talk to her outside an appointment time, but AITA for asking him not to text her?
I’ve never heard of any doctor that texts with a patient at night? Are you sure he’s not just messaging her through a portal?
Tbf OP never said the therapist texted him back right then, just that he texted her. If he’s forgetful/thinks he will forget to bring it up during the next session, it might make sense. As long as both client and therapist are comfortable with that I don’t see a problem with that.
NTA. There is absolutely no reason to be texting with his therapist outside of appointments unless there was some kind of emergency. I’m shocked the therapist even allows this type of boundary crossing.
It’s not common practice for a therapist to text with clients outside of appointments and I would be concerned about the lack of boundaries in this situation. NTA
This is no longer accurate. Many therapists do encourage texting at any time, day or night. Many telehealth services specifically advertise it.
Yep this is very true. However it should be related to the therapy not casual conversation.
Right, and in this case, they were discussing a recommendation she had made as his therapist.
This isn’t true at all.
I would not trust a therapist who can’t maintain boundaries.
It’s not appropriate to message any professional relationship that late. This isn’t an emergent situation. It could wait.
This is why telehealth services (siding you better help!) are so problematic in their industry!
My therapist has a Google phone number that she has for her patients that we can text but she doesn’t get the notifications like, all the time as if someone would text her personal number.
I text the Google voice number when I think of something relevant that I want to talk about next visit or something that I want to note between sessions, etc. it’s not like it’s every day, or even every week, but I’m free to text her Google voice number whenever, she just doesn’t respond during non business hours or at all unless it’s something she feels the need to respond to lol.
I’m a 27yo female so it’s a bit different but I was just pointing out that some therapists have avenues that their patients can do this
If he is having a convo with her at night, that’s odd. If he is messaging her through a portal, and just leaving her messages, I wouldn’t worry about that.
Also, having a therapist that you like is so important. You said he needed therapy for a long time, and now you’re going to tell him that he needs to stop seeing someone that he’s comfortable with because you’re not comfortable that his therapist is a woman? YTA about that, in big, bad ways. And likening it to a massage is apples and oranges, and he shouldn’t get weird about you getting a massage from a man. If he does, that’s problematic, and you both are sexualizing/romanticizing professionals that shouldn’t be.
It’s good you’re both in therapy.
My therapist turns off notifications after hours for all clients and has a message to go to the ER if necessary. I have been with her over 10 years and think the world of her. I also think she has the right to a personal life outside of work.
INFO
Did the therapist respond that night, or did she wait until normal business hours to respond? I’ve had therapists who told me I could text them at any hour, but they always made it clear that they wouldn’t respond until the morning. So if your husband’s therapist has told that him it’s okay to text her between sessions, then I don’t think it’s a huge deal as long as she waited until morning to respond.
This.
Also I think you need to talk to YOUR therapist about the insecurities you are feeling.
It sounds like he is being normal about it, and possibly excited to work on his issues and your insecurities are basically raining on that. Even if he had developed a crush on her, if she is good enough for your own therapist to recommend her. She will not get involved with him like that and will set boundaries on her own.