Quick context, my stepmom Holly (46f) is a wonderful lady and has been married to my dad for about a decade now. Holly just recently began her Peri-menopause era and has been using her symptoms of spotty periods and hot flashes to compare against my (27f) 34 week / 8 months of pregnancy.
While I do acknowledge that both have fluctuations of hormones during the bodily changes, they are vastly different.
I’ve given Holly grace and just tried to be understanding, but now I’m at the point that I’m having contractions, I’m lactating, completing my baby registry, and stocking up on diapers, getting excited for baby shoes, belly coming in at 32 cm and she’s still comparing her mood swings and hormones to mine.
We can both have experiences, but when I tell Holly about mine, she dismisses them and says things like to wait to call myself ‘mama bear’ until I give birth, as if I’m not a mother right now. Holly said that my "condition" is over in a month, although if I give birth in a month, my baby will be in the NICU and that her menopause will last 10 years. *Eye roll*
I’m getting tired of entertaining and being nice about giving her grace while she basically tells me my contractions aren’t painful, that her period cramps are worse, her hot flashes are more intense, and when I said I miss my period she just straight up told me no, I don’t.
The whole ordeal has been irking me and just simply saying, "It’s not the same thing so please stop comparing the life inside of me to yourself" is right on the tip of my tongue.
We live together, my dad (52m) wants me to live with them while I’m pregnant and going through the early stages of parenthood to help out so the comments from Holly are endless and every single day.
It doesn’t feel like an attempt to connect with me but dismissing me and almost putting me beneath her. She’s always had an issue with making every topic about herself and this is just one that is not and I will not let Holly ruin this experience for me. Growing a little baby inside of me isn’t the same as her periods drying up and I deserve to be able to celebrate and talk about my experience without it being compared to hers.
***Edit: forgot to add, Holly has no children except her "fur babies." She’d been pregnant once years ago and unfortunately lost my would-be little brother at 18 weeks shortly after the wedding between her and my dad.
NTA. But “mama bear” makes my skin crawl. Total tangent.
Edit: I have to change my vote to YTA based on your repeated slighting of her for not having children while also admitting she had a second-trimester miscarriage years ago. You sound kind of cruel and mean-spirited toward her.
Original – I N F O: You said you miss your period? That is such a bizarre comment, it sounds like you are competing with her just as much as you believe she is competing with you.
ESH here you both are, as a older mom who has a teenager and am starting to go through late perimenopause. So def remeber being pregnant. Each has their own issues but each are simillar to each other. Quite frankly I would rather be pregnant than go thru this (and I had a preemie so had to deal with NICU)
ESH. Pregnancy is tough, absolutely. And so is menopause. It’s not cool for stepmom to make things all about herself and it’s not cool for her to dismiss your experience. But maybe don’t dismiss her experience either?
You both sound obnoxious from your description. Complaining just makes you both miserable.
You could be more gracious. She’s just trying to bond with you and have a joint experience. She never had the joy of experiencing a full pregnancy.
Is there really nothing in you that will allow her some grace here? Of course it’s not the same. But it’s the closest she’ll get
She suffered a devastating loss and she’s trying to enjoy that through you. Someone you love
And I might mention since you live with them, I feel like that makes a difference. I don’t know the circumstances regarding why you live with them, but the fact that she opens her home to you in this way should mean you could give her a little something
>Holly has no children except her “fur babies.” She’d been pregnant once years ago and unfortunately lost my would-be little brother at 18 weeks
It sounds like your pregnancy might be emotionally difficult for her. Especially considering that you are living in her house and she can’t get away from your (rightful) excitement.
Just communicate. “Holly, when you say X, it makes me feel Y. Can you please not do that anymore?”
ESH I have been pregnant twice and gone through menopause. Frankly you are both insufferable. She should allow you to enjoy this time, but you are incredibly dismissive of what she is going through. Menopause is not a walk in the park. Different women have different symptoms and some make pregnancy look like a party.
My 3 pregnancies were so much easier than perimenopause. If for no other reason than they all had a defined end date. No such luck during the change.
I agree – ESH – I feel sorry for dad being stuck between these two.
ESH. She’s being annoying, but neither one of you actually knows what the other is going through. Hell, for all *you* know, maybe it *is* just as bad – I doubt it, but you haven’t experienced it, so you can’t *really* know. When someone is being annoying, the mature thing to do is ignore them, so just do that. If you can’t, then move out of her house. It’s not her fault you’re around her all day, you’re choosing to be there. You’re an adult. Go be an adult and live on your own.
ESH. She’s being annoying, but your rude comments about menopause disgust me. You used your hatred of her to allow you to disrespect all women going through menopause. Something you’ll experience one day.
YTA if you are actually using the phrase “mama bear” at any point. That aside, you both sound kind of insufferable, and you minimizing her pregnancy loss is gross and cruel. Just don’t engage, and maybe stop complaining to her about your pregnancy symptoms.
Seriously. That expression needs to die.
ESH
It’s not a competition for who’s having the worst time. It’s shit for both.
I know you said you’ve been gracious up until now, maybe that’s how she feels about you.
I really feel for your dad in this situation.
My two cents having had a baby and currently premenopausal…both equally suck, but this time I have nothing to look forward to.