Throwaway. I (F23) have been dating my boyfriend (M22) for three years. My best friend Peter (M22) has also been close with my BF for years because we all do ballroom dancing together. About 1.5 years ago, Peter met my BF’s cousin Sadie (F29) at my BF’s birthday party, and they started dating.
Sadie has been an orphan since 16. She only reconnected with my BF’s family about two years ago after being mostly out of contact. Since then, she’s been included in a big family group chat with my BF’s parents, his two sisters (F24/F26), and everyone’s partners. Peter and Sadie dated for around nine months before breaking up last May. The breakup seemed amicable. I think they fit quite well, but I can see how a long term future was difficult. Afterward, Peter was removed from the family chat (breakup in May last year), but he had already become very integrated into the family.
On New Year’s Eve, there’s a local tradition of walking around the village and singing and Peter really wanted to join. So the day before New Years, we asked my Bfs parents if he could come celebrate with us and sing. They welcomed him with open arms and said he is always welcome in their house. Sadie had other plans and was celebrating in another city with one of my Bfs sisters. Since Peter and Sadie hadn’t spoken since the breakup, we didn’t inform her that he’d be there.This might have been a mistake but I don´t know.
I took a video of my Bfs sister singing and sent it into the chat, but unfortunately, Peter could be seen in the corner of the video. All hell broke loose. Sadie sent Peter an angry message, and one sister berated me for sending the video (it truly was accidental). Later, Peter and Sadie talked things out and he told me she was now okay with him being at my boyfriend’s parents’ house. I had thought everything was fine now.
Yesterday we went to another ball together and shared pictures in the family chat, as we always do (parents also request this). Some photos included Peter. The sisters became furious, accusing us of being insensitive and sent photoshopped pictures of my Bfs Ex into the family chat, hyping it up. They assumed Peter’s plus-one was his new girlfriend, when she’s actually an old friend with a boyfriend who filled in last minute as a dance partner. Sadie has met the plus one before but has said nothing so far.
The parents think the sisters are being childish and dramatic and say Peter is still a family friend. The sisters insist we’re assholes for sharing pictures of Sadie’s ex, kind of harassing us in DMs. I also believe that Sadie is being heavily influenced by the two sisters trying to rile her up to be more angry about the situation than she would be otherwise.
Am I the asshole for not finding it a massive issue for sending the pictures? What do we do now?
NTA les sœurs devraient ce mêlé de leur culs si la Sadie a un problème avec ça elle peut en parler calmement elle-même. Les sœurs ont l’air de peste qui ont du temps à perdre
NTA.
Nobody in this situation is a high school student anymore–they should stop acting like it.
A 30-year-old should be able to see a picture of their ex (in the background no less) without having a breakdown. Peter is your friend and you can still hang out with him. NTA
Now I would be a little apprehensive about inviting Peter to more family-oriented events where Sadie is around. Regardless of it they say it’s amicable, there’s always going to be underlying discomfort, and you can’t act like it’s completely neutral for them. That’s the risk that comes with dating a relative of one of your friends. I know you didn’t do that, but I’m just putting that out there that it won’t be the same moving forward.
Totally agree, we of course, would never invite Peter to any event that Sadie will attend. She has priority.
I’m leaning ESH, but mostly because there seems to be a lot of communication around Sadie rather than with her. Your sisters seem to be advocating for her without her input; you seem to be dismissing the possibility that she’s hurt without her input. Until all of you can center Sadie’s feelings in this and allow her to speak for herself, you’re all being assholes using your perception of how she should feel to fuel this conflict. Find out how she feels, and move on from there.
I haven’t asked her directly, that’s fair. I’ve been relying on what Peter has told me. I’m just not sure how I best ask her about it, I don’t want to potentially trigger the situation any more.
YTA. The first time was still iffy because why would you send a vid that has a family member’s ex in the family group chat? However that’s forgivable as you didn’t know how she’d react. The fact you did it again despite what Sadie and the sisters told you the first time is just mean. The sisters are crazy too but I’m pretty sure ur BFs parents aren’t eager for pics of their niece’s ex, so why are you sending them? It’s not even been a year. How would you feel if you and ur BF broke up and people kept sending his face to ur own family chat? Especially with a girl in the pic?! Learn some empathy.
NTA you acted upon the info given. You were told it was fine, everyone else told you it wasn’t and blamed you instead.
ESH. First of all, you and the friend were there first.
Second, she can speak for herself. Everyone talking about her without her seeming present in the conversation is rude af from both sides. Message her directly and ask her feelings. If she asks for no more pictures/videos of him, respect that. It’s not your family yet so you can’t decide that aspect. But she doesnt have the ability to ban who gets to show up if she asks for that.
YTA. You are included in your BFs family group chat. Some of your BFs family, his cousins, were offended (it doesn’t matter if you think they are correct to have their feelings) and you doubled down.
YTA for assuming Sadie’s feelings and ignoring your BFs cousins feelings. You even doubled down and upset them a second time.
Sadie and all involved need to grow up. Your boyfriend had a best friend that his cousin decided to date. Cousin and friend breakup, cousin should expect the original friendship to carry on. Cousin will need to deal with her emotions and take this as a life lesson to not date people in your close circle if you can’t handle it afterwards.
The only caveat to any of this would be if the relationship ended because of abuse or something heinous that you should immediately have the cousin’s back on.
INFO I would back away from this situation. NONE of these people are your family, so why are you in the middle of all this? Is it that you like being in the middle of all the drama? Why are you the one uploading antagonizing pics and video?