My (22F) mom & I have had a rocky relationship in the past. Last year I didn’t get her something but I got my stepmom a card and flowers for mother’s day. This year I want to get her something again. She (stepmom) has done a lot more for me in the 2 years she’s been with my dad then my mom has in a long time.
Short list of what she’s done
– helped my dad by lending him money so he could het a second car I could drive in (tldr; it’s a second hand car but I am super grateful)
– took me to the sauna
– driven me to my bf’s place
– helped me through breakdowns
– helped me when I took a fall and needed to go to the hospital
– given me hugs, allowed me to cry
– is helping me fix my self esteem issues
– ….
My mom hasn’t done most of those things but is trying to get better at being… Well… A mother. (Having a half sibling younger then me who has experienced a different mom then I have isn’t easy).
My grandma (mother’s mom) told me she (mom) was heartbroken because she didn’t get anything for mother’s day last year. Now I have no idea what to do.
Do I get her something because she put me on this planet? Or do I not? Would a cars be enough or should I give her gifts?
Would I be the asshole if I didn’t give her something (not even a card)?
*I’m assuming the answer is going to be yes
NTA but really the simple solution is to get your mother a card also.
Would a card really be enough?
The thing is… She doesn’t even know I gave my stepmom something.
Considering you gave her nothing last year, a card would be fine. Or you could give her something small with it if you feel you should. She doesn’t need to know what you do for your stepmom.
I only suggest the card because it’s easy, inexpensive, and will stop her from complaining that you didn’t get her anything. It doesn’t have to mean anything other than you saying happy mother’s day.
It’s honestly up to you. It sounds like a small gift to let her know that you know she’s trying could go a long way. Ask yourself if you want to build a relationship with your bio-mom.
I also didn’t have a great mom growing up. Everyone kept telling me that I had to keep trying and she was my mother, etc. my last straw was a few years ago she borrowed some money from me and I made her promise to pay me back. Then a few weeks later was Mother’s Day and I called her ahead of time and said I wanted to take her out for lunch for Mother’s Day. She told me that she would prefer to just keep the money and not pay me back and consider that her present. I said that wasn’t really the point… the point was spending time together, but okay… then she apparently went behind my back and told my family that I didn’t bother doing anything for her. So my advice to you is just do what will make you feel least guilty. Probably what I would do is get her a card and a little box of chocolates or flowers. I send my mom flowers every year now, so she can’t say that I didn’t do anything. But it’s def out of a sense of obligation.
Edit: But NTA if you don’t want to.
Honestly i don’t think I even texted her last year. Because well my mom has a huge victim complex and she makes everything about herself. I think I will send her a card because she’s giving me pocket money (she never could before and the extra money I get is useful).
Your money borrowing story reminded me I need to give her a gentle reminder she owes me money still. (It’s been a month lol
Here’s the thing. I’m a mom, and as my kids got older, we have had differences of opinions and occasionally arguments. It happens. If my kids didn’t acknowledge me on Mother’s Day, I would be devastated.
Now, my kids childhood was vastly different than yours. I was there for them. Competitions, sports, horseback lessons. Hugs, advice, or just being there when they needed to cry.
If you want to work toward mending a relationship with your mom, get her something small to acknowledge that she is your mother. It’s doesn’t have to be more than that.
You know. giving your Mom a card on Mother’s Day’s or her birthday might go a long way to making her happy. It’s inexpensive and doesn’t require a lot of effort. I would probably do it.
NTA. I had a heavily abusive mother. Follow your gut instinct on this.
You should at least at your mother a card. A small gift would be very nice also, but this is your call. Do whatever you want for your stepmom. You don’t have to tell your grandmother what you do for anybody.
I don’t even know why my grandma was getting involved tbh. It was none of her business especially the way she told me.
Judgement suspended because you feel how you feel and you have reasons.
But you know this is just a gesture that will hurt your mother and could fuel rivalry with your stepmother.
It’s a bad dynamic.
Suggest: get a nice present for your stepmother and a card telling her how much you appreciate her. She’ll be touched by that, it’s good for everyone including dad. Also get your mother just a little something, even if it’s just a card that says, “Happy Mothers Day, Love (me)”. A token gesture can speak volumes and be interpreted with nuance. Straight up ignoring her on Mother’s Day is kind of a bludgeon which won’t really educate so much as injure further.
NTA. I’m old and cynical. Here’s what I read, “my mom has a huge victim complex and she makes everything about herself.” That’s what she is doing, running to g’ma to make herself the victim. The sad thing is every victim requires a villain. By making herself the victim, she’s making you the villain. It’s called “flipping the script” or “controlling the narrative.”
You do you. My opinion is if she wanted a better daughter, she should have been a better mother.