My MIL and I have had a strained relationship for a long time. Early in my relationship with my husband I was told I wasn’t considered “family”, and although things have improved over time, I still sometimes feel uncomfortable around her. She will occasionally switch to speaking Polish when she doesn’t want me to understand, even when it’s just me, her and my baby in the room. My husband has told her off for this or translated where appropriate.
To give you an idea, we have a baby, and my only rules for visitors are: please don’t visit if you’re unwell and please don’t kiss the baby (grandparents can kiss the top of the head but not the face due to infection risks, as there are a lot of viruses going around locally). My MIL has ignored this at times by kissing the baby’s hands and feet and attempting to kiss her face. When I’ve raised concerns with my husband, he says she struggles with ‘emotional communication’.
This week my dad was admitted to hospital for emergency surgery and is considered high risk due to previous strokes. I’ve been very worried and he’s not doing so well post op. When my MIL found out, she didn’t ask how my dad or I were but was upset that I planned to travel to see him with my baby this weekend because it meant she wouldn’t see her as we were meant to have a belated birthday lunch for my SIL. She also mentioned that her friend would be disappointed not to meet the baby (again) and asked about my travel arrangements to see whether I’m taking my car or whether my partner would have to get the train.
My dad lives about three hours away. I can’t easily do a day trip with my baby, hence I’m staying there, and my husband finds it difficult to manage long periods of solo childcare (max he’s done is 3.5 hours solo). I’ll be coordinating visits with my family so I can spend short periods (30 minutes to an hour round trip) with my dad while someone else cares for the baby nearby. My husband flies out to work on the Sunday (works abroad) so can’t join me and I’m working around my families schedule who will help with childcare as they work during the week.
I cancelled and apologised for missing the belated birthday meal on my husband’s side so I could visit my dad in hospital. Husband is still attending.
So:
AITA for missing the family event to see my sick dad?
Am I unreasonable for feeling upset that my MIL didn’t ask how I was or wish my dad well health but managed to somehow make me feel like I was doing something wrong by taking my daughter with me?
NTA but you have a MIL and a husband problem.
NTA. Ever. He is your dad and he is ill. She is selfish.
NTA-I would miss any and all events with my in-laws to see my sick dad. I don’t care what they have going on, my dad will always come first. And I would feel even stronger about that if my inlaws told me I wasn’t family.
You are not being unreasonable. You said your father had to have emergency surgery and you are worried about him and your MIL’s concern was her friend won’t get to see your baby. She sounds like a real asshole.
Absolutely NTA. Best wishes for your dad.
NTA. Your father is unwell so your priority is there. And taking the baby with you is a perfectly normal thing to do. Your MIL has no concern for you (or your father) – she made that clear early on! It is all about the baby for her! She couldn’t care less if where you were or better still if you didn’t show so long as her grandchild is there!
“When I’ve raised my concerns with my husband, he says she struggles with “emotional communication” – is that code for “she enjoys getting all her own way?
Go be with your dad. Forget about MIL.
NTA. You have nothing to feel guilty for. Your MIL is selfish and entitled. She doesn’t welcome you to the family but expects you to treat her like the queen. You are your own person with your own feelings. Your dad is quite ill, so it’s absolutely reasonable to take time to visit him with his grandchild. It sounds like your husband has kind of resigned himself to his mother’s behaviour so she’s focusing on you as the available target. You need to look at avoiding her and limiting your communication, if only for your mental health. She is not adding anything to your life.
NTA but I hope you already know this. Visiting your father in the hospital is easily more important than a family birthday event. I’m sorry your MIL is making you feel bad for prioritizing your sick father; you shouldn’t feel any guilty or badly about this whatsoever
Why can’t your husband parent his child for more than three and a half hours?
Why isn’t he coming with you to parent your child while you visit your sick dad in the hospital?
What is your contingency plan for if you get sick?
I thought that. He sounds about as useful as a paper sieve in all this.
NTA. Girl, your MIL is the AH in any culture. You absolutely did the right thing by canceling to be with your father. It’s incredibly rude that MIL has not shown the slightest bit of concern about your father and is instead bitching about not seeing her grandchild.
When he gets back, sit your husband down and have a serious chat with him about his mother. I would condition the access she has to baby on the amount of respect she gives you. If she continues to be the AH, you may need to put her on a time out.
You are not the asshole. Aside from everything else, it is your mother-in-law‘s (and FIL) fault for raising a son who is unable to provide childcare to his own child for more than a couple of hours and therefore cannot be the one to take care of your child while you visit your father.
Had she raised a more capable adult, he would be able to bring her precious grandchild to the event and also remove the burden of your having to care for your child while also spending time with your own father from your shoulders. Alas, she failed at that. None of that has anything to do with you. Spend time with your dad!
NTA but why did you have a kid with someone who can’t handle parenting his own child for more than a few hours at a time? It’s his baby just as much as yours; he needs to step up and take some responsibility. It also sounds like he doesn’t really stand up to his mother, which just puts you in a shitty position.
NTA, you need to look out for your father, and your husband (as responsible and good father as he might be) is not able to have a full day to care for the baby, it happens. But you need to make sure everyone has the best care possible, that is mothering 101!
NTA. Anyone with a bit of compassion would offer their sympathy and support when they found out you were going to visit your dad. Your MIL simply sees you as an extension of her grandchild, not a partner to her son or a part of his family.
Beyond that…you might want to reflect on some of the things you have said about your husband. He “sometimes” translates when his mother intentionally excludes you from conversations, defends her when she violates the boundaries you agreed upon as a couple, and he is unable to take care of your child by himself for longer than a few hours? A partner is someone who picks up the slack when you are going through a hard time, and you are going through a hard time. The fact that he has not offered to come with you or watch your child so you can spend time with your father, who is extremely ill, is concerning to me.
I would ask yourself if you’ll be happy going through the rest of your life like this. Personally, I’d be having a very frank conversation with him about what your expectations are when it comes to what he enables with his mother and the fact that you are not a single parent and he should be able to care for your child by himself so you can have a life.