I immigrated over to the America 6 years ago and last year, my husband and I bought a house. My family has never been over to visit me, it’s always me going back to see them. Their currency is super weak against the dollar so it makes sense, but I always say “please come visit!” when I talk to them.
Because we’re now living in a house with spare bedrooms, my dad said he’ll make it his mission to come visit us in December. He asked me if his gf could come and I said no.
My dad doesn’t have a lot of money and his gf is a total mooch. We would go out to eat and he would order a small appetizer and she would order a giant plate, and always at least 5 shots + full alcohol drinks. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. And my dad would pay for it. Pays for everything for her.
They live together and she doesn’t work. She doesn’t cook, she doesn’t do laundry, she doesn’t clean. She can’t drive. She says she’s chronically ill, but the truth is she is 400+ lbs at least, I’m not even kidding. My dad gets home from a long day of work and has to cook dinner for them and do the dishes. It’s wack.
She’s also super disrespectful to me whenever I go visit, she’ll cut me off or degrade things she knows I like. She constantly picks fights with other family members.
I see them once a year and all I wanted when I went home last time was to have a big family braai (bbq) with my dads side of the fam and they didn’t come because she was fighting with my grandfather so wouldn’t let my dad come either. We do it every time I go home and I was looking forward to it all year.
I know he has blame in this too bc he puts up with it, but he’s still my dad. He once told me that he wanted to break up with her but both her parents are dead and she has no other family, so she literally has no where else to go.
I told my dad that when he comes over here I want to spoil him and pay for everything, but I want him to pay for his plane ticket. It’s about $1,500, which is an insane amount of money in their currency! But with us buying the house, we don’t have a lot to spare ourselves.
My dad sent me messages telling me that his gf is super mad at him because of the whole situation and how I said no to her coming. I haven’t responded because I don’t know what to say, it’s so awkward. He would have to buy 2 plane tickets for her at least, and he said no worries he’ll pay for her if she comes. But I WANTED to spend quality time with him, I wanted to spoil him like he spoiled me growing up. She never lets me get alone time with him when I go home, she always HAS to be with us.
Shes mean to me, she unfriended me on Facebook after I told my dad no to her coming. My dad quit his health insurance to get a better one for her and I was SO MAD. I asked her how she could let him do that and she said her health is worse than his, but he’s getting older and who’s going to have to pay for him if he gets sick?! Probably me! Makes me so angry.
She’s just not invited. But I don’t know what to say to my dad.
NTA
Honestly? I’d be upset too, and I think a lot of people reading this would be.
You didn’t say “I never want to see your girlfriend again.” You said, *for this one visit*, you want time with your dad in your own home, after years of being the one who always travels, always compromises, and always gets sidelined. That’s not cruel. That’s a boundary.
What really stands out here isn’t just that you don’t like her. It’s that her presence consistently changes your relationship with your dad in ways that hurt you. She controls when he shows up, she blocks family time, she creates conflict, and she drains him financially and emotionally. Wanting one visit where that dynamic isn’t front and center is completely reasonable.
Your dad being stuck in a relationship out of guilt doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your peace or your limited resources to accommodate it. You’re allowed to say, “I want time with *you*.” Especially when money is tight, flights are expensive, and this was supposed to be a meaningful milestone visit to your new home.
Could this hurt his feelings? Sure. Does that automatically make you wrong? No. Sometimes the kindest thing is still uncomfortable.
If anything, the part that makes this messy isn’t your boundary. It’s that your dad is putting you in the middle by relaying her anger to you instead of handling it himself. That’s not fair to you.
You can tell him something like:
“I love you, and I really want this visit to be about us reconnecting. This isn’t about punishing anyone. I just need this time with you.”
That’s not an attack. That’s honesty.
You’re not the villain here. You’re a daughter who wants her dad back, even briefly. And that’s not selfish.
Wow what an amazing comment, thank you for saying all that! I need to reply to him at some point and reading this made me feel a bit better about it. You give amazing advice, thank you 💕
all of this, it’s not an unreasonable boundary to set.
NTA, it is not a requirement to let someone who disrespects you stay with you because they are dating someone who will be staying with you. You are allowed to dictate who is welcome in your home and who is not. Anyone who says you should let her stay with you, tell them they can take care of her while at their homes while you take care of your dad at yours. Your dad deserves (and probably desperately needs) a break from waiting on her lazy a$$.
Tell your dad he is welcome anytime, but if she comes she will need to get a hotel room because you will not tolerate disrespectful guests in your home who expect you to be their maid and chef while berating you for existing.
ESH. Sounds like he’s found a new dependent to care for since you left the country. She may suck as you say but your dad is keeping on with her and it sucks you’re forcing him to choose. Imagine him saying you’re not allowed to bring your partner with you. Sounds like he’s real deep in the shit with her and you’re right to concerned about hill being penniless and old.
I’ll say NTA since she sounds truly awful, but you do have to come to terms with the fact that you are basically forcing your dad to choose between you two, and you might not like how that goes.
That’s what my in-laws told me, said I was being unfair to him.
NTA, I wouldnt want to deal with someone that takes advantage of my dad to visit me in my country either, especially someone who requires a lot of caretaking and attention. She is undoubtedly going to make the trip hell for your dad. Situation sucks all around, and I wish better for your dad 😔
Thank you 🙏 My dad is such a kind person but sometimes I think he can be too soft. This might be mean but I know he could do better, someone who looks after him just as he would look after them.
Of course!
And its not mean, its a normal thing that anyone would want for their loved ones. Her innability to take care of herself shouldnt be anyone elses problem, but she has no issue making it theor problem. In the same vein, he is becoming her enabler, and thats not a gpod place to be in either.
NTA but he’s either not going to visit or he’ll buy her a ticket just to keep the peace with her. Unfortunately, it sounds like his GF is going to win every time you make him choose. And you likely will need to pay for his care. Sorry OP
NTA If your father can’t deal with his gf being upset that she is not welcome on this trip, that’s not your problem. If he ends up not coming to see you because of it, well, that, too, will not be your problem.