22F. So. In my family it’s always Christmas with my grandma (a great woman) and New Year’s with my grandpa; they are divorced. In my grandma’s everything is perfect but this year in my grandpa’s was very displeasing for me.
The reunion consists of me, my sister, my mom, my grandpa and his two brothers. My family is very conservative and sexist but we never ever discussed about ideology. This has gone too far to the treatment and dynamics.
To begin with, as soon as we arrived my grandad asked my mother to cook everything from scratch. He is not disabled, he does sports and travels and he is wealthy. My sister helped her but I chose not to because we are supposed to be the invited people and my grandad was not doing anything. If he was working I would have offered help but how so they are all sitting chilling without lifting not even a glass of water of the table while my mom who is also a guest does everything? I chose not to help cause I didnt wanna reinforce that dynamic and I wanted to leave them on evidence.
On the other hand, while we ate my grandad literally ignored me and belittled me all the time. He never made I contact with me on the table while he spoke, not even once. Also I’ve been away of the country all year for work and he asked me nothing. I brought him presents from abroad and after eating I stood up to get them and give them to him on the table. He literally told me “go sit down it’s not time yet”. Bitch it’s New Years, not Christmas. No need to wait until 12 also I’m already standing next to you with them on my hand.
Later I tried to speak to him on the table “hey grandad”. He ignored me. I insisted. “Grandad I wanna tell you something”. He ignored me again, not even eye contact. It was clear and loud. Of course he heard it. He didnt even made eye contact when I said goodbye before leaving. He would only speak with my older sister.
Also one of his brothers is DISGUSTINGLY sexist and makes me awful jokes. The other one is the not sexist ones and notices and tries to equilibrate the energy… But fuck it I’m not coming back to any event hosted at his house. Am I the Asshole for not going to New Year’s Eve with my grandad and family anymore?
NOTE: he has been a great grandad in my teenage years and he 100% provides for my mom.
NTA – You’re 22. Go spend New Years with someone worthy of your time and attention. Like Grandma, apparently.
thank you ❤️🩹
NTA. Don’t go anywhere near those assholes again.
❤️🩹❤️🩹
NTA…your time and your life are your own.
NTA
There is no reason to spend time with rude, sexist assholes. That they are a blood relative is irrelevant.
Do your own thing next year. Maybe even invite your Mom and sister to have your own party, somewhere else?
Shouldn’t he have staff if he’s wealthy?
not in New Years Eve
Given this is a recent and very big change from how he acted before, there might be a medical issue. He should get a geriatric assessment. I’m not a doctor and am not giving medical advice but I can think of several medical reasons that would explain his behaviour. Talk to you mom about how concerned you are about grandpa and ask her to take him to a doctor.
I think he has been like this all his life. One occasion many years ago he forgot his own son’s birthday
He was mad at you because you chose not to help your mom. He thinks he’s dispensed because he’s old and the patriarch. While i agree that he should help too, you are not guests, you are family so it makes sense that you all work together to prepare the party. You can send him a letter with your concerns regarding this and the sexism. Hopefully he’ll understand.
IMO – is it the fact that you travelled and he despises you for that. Or is it because he thinks that you should provide some $$ to your mom. Talk to your Mum and set the expectations for next year.
Well, I was all set with my answer, then you said he provides everything for your mom. Makes sense, if servants normally handle everything for him, but they aren’t there for the holiday, and he covers all her bills that mom helps with food at the holiday, you may want to ask what it’s like at other times. Not sure if that means he’s covering all your sister’s bills too. Anyway, seems like he might have been mad you weren’t helping your mom.
I’m not trying to reinforce traditional gender roles. As a working woman, I get it. However, if you were all laughing in the kitchen, getting stuff ready and talking (what happens at my house with 40-50 people for Thanksgiving), and you called for grandpa to come talk with you, he’d probably come, sit at the counter and talk. Then while youre busy, ask him to hand you something, get something out of the fridge, refill your drink, help you pull something from the oven. Whatever, you’ll probably find he joins in. I’ve got 2-3 male cousins that usually help in the kitchen with about 5 of us women. You’d think my house is bigger than it is, when talking about this many people lol.
Anyway, maybe give it one more try, if you don’t have plans with friends on NYE. Oh, and I have nothing good to say about that obnoxious uncle, give him something that glues his mouth shut and ignore him (caramel, toffee, taffy). Also, UTIs can cause mental issues with older people.