I (17F) am turning 18 later this month, and I’m really excited about it. Most of the day has already been planned with my mom. We’re getting our nails done, going to my favorite café for treats and drinks, then shopping and stopping by the Asian market for snacks. We’ll end the day by going out for dinner, and then having cake at home that my mom is making for me.
Here’s the issue: my mom’s boyfriend.
I honestly don’t like him. He says the n-word a lot, including the hard R (he is a very white guy from the suburbs), and I genuinely don’t understand why my mom allows it especially since she’s mixed. He also kind of smells bad, I don’t match his sense of humor at all, I have zero interest in the things he talks about, and he tends to just say whatever comes to mind without context. Overall, he just really annoys me.
To make things worse, he practically lives with us at my grandmother’s house, so I see him almost every day. He also drives me to work, which I genuinely appreciate because he doesn’t have to but if I could, I’d absolutely drive myself (I’m actively working toward getting my license).
Most of my birthday will just be me and my mom, but dinner and cake will include my grandma and my brother as well. I feel like it might be petty to ask for him not to come, especially since it could make things tense and he would most likely already be at the house during cake anyway.
Another issue is that he’s a huge downer when it comes to money, even when it’s not a problem. He completely ruined my 16th birthday. My mom saved enough to take us on a cruise, then dock at Miami and road trip back home. All he wanted to do was complain about how expensive everything was (even though the money was all planned out and taken care of) and drink every night. He even ruined the island excursion we ended up in the boonies, wasted the whole day, and I didn’t get to see anything I wanted. During the road trip afterward, he was a complete jerk, and my mom almost broke up with him over it (I honestly wish she had).
At this point, I just want to spend my birthday with my family and enjoy the day without worrying about him ruining the mood. I’m worried I might be seeing this the wrong way, since he’s not necessarily an evil person but he is a 40 year old man child with a drinking problem.
No one knows that I don’t like him because I try to be nice. I hate telling people outright that I don’t like them, and it doesn’t help that I see him nearly every single day.
TLDR; I’m turning 18 and want to enjoy my birthday with just my family. My mom’s boyfriend makes me uncomfortable and has ruined past celebrations by complaining and killing the vibe. I’m not trying to control the household or be petty I just want one low-stress day that’s about me.
YWNBTA. because it’s your birthday, and especially your 18th, it’s not unreasonable to want one day that feels safe, comfortable, and actually enjoyable. you’re not banning him from your life or trying to control your mom’s relationship. you’re just asking for a single event to not include someone who can possibly ruin it. YOUR DAY, YOUR RULES.
NTA I think you should definitely talk to her about this but you have to be tactful. I’m not sure how yours and your mom’s relationship is, if she would get defensive or not, but if y’all are close (based on the bday plans it kinda sounds like you are) she will value your opinion and be willing to hear you out. My mom rarely brought any of her bfs around me but when she did she always wanted my opinion (and we’re not exactly close) but she knew if her kids didn’t like someone that that’s not a good sign.
Make sure she knows that you appreciate that he gives you rides and helps out and that you understand that you can’t tell her who she can and can’t date but he makes you uncomfortable and find him disrespectful and feel that she deserves better.
NTA for not wanting an obnoxious racist at your party. It’s one thing for your mum to tolerate racism which affects herself but by default it also affects you since you’re also mixed. That should be a firm boundary for her.
Maybe talk to your mom alone and tell her your feelings
NTA but your leverage in this situation in this is limited.
“ he would most likely already be at the house during cake anyway”. So you wouldn’t just be not inviting him, you would actually be actively telling him to f off.
“ He also drives me to work”. So he does a huge thing for you, and this is how you want to repay him.
“ cake … that my mom is making for me”. So your way of thanking your mom for being the one to make the cake is to tell her “oh yeah, mom, I don’t want your boyfriend at my party”.
YTA.
You use that word with the hard R, you can shove the drives to work and your place at the party up your ass
Just because someone does one good thing for someone else, doesn’t mean they should be forgiven for other bad things and just be told “oh but they’ve done a lot of good things! You should be grateful for that”. Having your birthday have people you actually aren’t annoyed by isn’t a huge or an ‘ungrateful’ thing to ask for
This! Most racists are tolerated in society because people who aren’t subjected to the racism focus on what the person contributes to society and use that as an excuse to not make things uncomfortable by calling out the racism and cutting off that person.
I’m grateful for the fact that he drives me to work, but that doesn’t mean I owe him access to my birthday. I’m not trying to exclude anyone out of spite I just want one low stress birthday after past experiences.
I also feel that several of my points were ignored in favor of focusing on a single detail. I’m not upset about being judged TA (as I do genuinely appreciate honest feedback and constructive criticism), but I do appreciate verdicts that address the full context of the situation.
Problem is, most of the other things you said are irrelevant, that’s why I did not address them. Eg who cares if he has a money problem (no one will be asking him to buy the cake, your mom will be making it). Who cares if he has a drinking problem (if it was such a problem I’m sure you would have given an example of where him being drunk ruined some experience of yours, you provided no such example, therefore I don’t think he will turn up drunk and ruin your birthday). And who cares if he is r a c I s t, I know you certainly don’t care, that’s why you have never said to him “thank you so much for offering to drive me to work, however I am going to decline your kind offer because I am a bit uncomfortable about possibly hearing you say the n word on one of the drives”. So, as I said initially, YTA.
NTA he is an evil person. He’s racist, that’s enough to be evil. But on top of that, he sees your mom spend a significant amount of her money on you (instead of him or save it) and sabotages the entire thing – this is a manipulation/abuse tactic to take control -she won’t want to spend her money on something that will be miserable – your mom won’t want to spend her money on something that will be ruined if he doesn’t want to do it, so she’ll limit the options of how she spends her money to only do things that he wants to do, like make sure that the restaurant is one he likes. Stay away from him as much as possible.
NTA. He has a history of bad behavior that makes you unhappy, understandably. It’s YOUR birthday and it’s not unreasonable of you to want it just your close family…even if there’s more to your reasoning. Talk to your mom about your feelings but do so delicately. Your mom may become offended/defensive and override what you’d want.