To preface my husbands bachelor party a few years back was ruined because his brother did a shitty job planning it (old rundown party bus, a school bus in fact, hot liquor, no ice, no cups and randoms that weren’t even invited to the wedding showed up) I said to myself for his 40th birthday I’m going to make it up to him.
So here we are, he’s turning 40 next week and I decided a few of weeks ago to plan something for him this weekend since for his actual birthday we will be in Mexico for vacation already. I thought this would be a gathering for family not just the two of us. I got a limo, a bottle of his favorite bourbon engraved with a sweet message from us, an ice bucket with champagne bottles, some lite bites for the car ride and a limo to take us to a restaurant.
He is a firefighter and works a lot of odd and sometimes back to back hours so today being aware of that I made sure he got to sleep and rest and had breakfast for him waiting and lunch for him for when he woke up. I bought a new outfit for him to wear so it would be one less thing to think about and a fancy watch as his birthday gift. Well, before he could change into his nice outfit he asked me where we were going and after I insisted it was a surprise he said “I don’t like surprises, tell me right now where we are going”. I explained the plan and he got furious. He said that’s not something he likes, he wants it to just be me and him and since the bachelor party he doesn’t like elaborate surprises. I explained that this would make him forget that day and that I had everything planned. He went on and on about how bad the idea was, how inconsiderate I am, and how I don’t know him and am off with timing. He hasn’t seen the champagne bottles, or the engraved bourbon bottle or the lite bites or the watch or the outfit or the balloons I have stashed in a trash bag to put them in the limo when it arrived. He doesn’t want any of it though.
He is tired and is a low key person but I thought I planned everything well enough that it would just be slightly more special than any other birthday and he would still be able to enjoy it. Not a lot of people just 5 to be exact. Am I the asshole? Should I have just let him be? Or in the anger did he just mess something up that would’ve been great?
YTA: “I don’t like surprises” You’ve been married for a few years so you should know this about him by now.
And the way you describe everything it sure seems like most of the focus was on you.
Everything I did was taking into account what he would want, he’s been surprised before and liked the surprises. None of this was something I would want. I’m also low key. The limo, which is the most exaggerated part of the whole night was just something to make the night memorable.
If you’ve done surprises before and he said he liked them, what has changed? That would be your first question when he says “I don’t like surprises.”
Talk to him and see what is really bothering him about this surprise. Some men find turning 40 very hard. They remember when their father’s were 40 and they fear growing old. Not sure this is what’s going on here, though.
Yes that might be it, for sure. Thank you.
Especially considering his job. It’s extremely intense and definitely a young man’s job. Most firefighters crash out before 50. At certain point, it’s just too much stress on their bodies. You trying to do a “bachelor party redo” probably just reminded him he’s not young anymore.
Old boy was overstimmied. Even his outfit wasnt his idea.
Let him see this.
Dude I get it. I hate surprises as well. I think in this case it would be wise to let go and trust in your wife. She wants to do something special and it doesn’t have to be perfect because it’s being done out of love. As long as you are together it will be okay.
Relax and enjoy.
NAH you meant well but he doesn’t like surprises, you should have asked him how he wanted to celebrate and if it was ok to include family. TBH your plan sounds really over the top especially for a low-key person. Who needs that much liquor and food on the way to the restaurant?
You say he’s a low-key person and yet you planned something that’s anything but low-key.
I think he could of handled his reaction better but I get why he was frustrated. I don’t know this man but from how you describe him Im positive he has never given you the slightest indication he would enjoy this type of party.
I’m not sure your an A H because I think your intentions were good. However, your actions showed either a lack of understanding of who your husband is as a person or a willingness to use his events for your own entertainment. Parties should be planned with the person being celebrated likes and dislikes in mind. I don’t think you did that. I think you had a vision of redoing the bachelor party and you never stopped to think about whether that was something he wanted.
NTA. I disagree with the comments claiming that you were making it about yourself. I think you tried to take a bad memory and turn it into a special one with what you know about your husband and the experience he had at his bachelor party. I think he overreacted.
I think you meant well, but YTA. I’ve done surprises before, but I gave the person a vague idea of what was happening. “Save Saturday evening, your family and I have plans for you.” Birthdays are supposed to be for the birthday person, not the planner.
I told him we were going on a date for restaurant week. I just invited his brother, my sister and my BIL. Maybe I could’ve said that part to him for sure.
This would annoy me if I were in his shoes. He expected a date, because thats what you told him. He was likely looking forward to some one on one time with you. And then he got completely blindsided by a group event. You set him up for disappointment by giving him an expectation and not meeting it.
Again, I think you meant well. But expecting a date, but then having your sibling and in-laws show up too is very different. He probably thought it would be lowkey and romantic.