As the title says, my (26M) girlfriend (27F) gets mad or whines a lot if I don’t rub her feet several times a day.
For context, I do have a bit of a foot kink which I told her about shortly after we met. She was more than willing to indulge and enjoyed it a lot herself. At the beginning of the relationship I would often take care of her feet, she would seduce me with them, and foot rubs were common.
Fast forward a few years, now she expects foot massages every day, several times a day, and gets pissed off or whines if I refuse or do it lazily. For example, when she comes home from work she’ll lie down next to me and put her feet in my lap or hands expecting me to rub them. Every night before bed she does the same, claiming she can’t fall asleep unless I massage her feet. If I’m gaming and can’t use my hands, she’ll put her feet in my face until I stop and start rubbing. Basically, almost every time I sit down, she comes over wanting a foot rub.
If I refuse, she keeps asking, starts fake “crying” and whining about her long day and sore feet, and eventually gets pissed off, saying things like “fine, don’t do it,” then going silent or telling me I’m not taking good care of her. I usually get tired from her whining and do it anyway.
Because I lost my job four months ago and she’s currently the breadwinner she brings that up too, saying I should do it since I’m not working and to show appreciation since she pays for most things. I’ve tried talking to her about how I don’t feel like doing it every single time I sit down but she doesn’t really understand my side. She thinks that since I like her feet anyway and I’m not doing anything important, I should always be available especially now that I don’t have a job. In fact, she thinks I should do it even more and better than I already do.
It’s not that I mind doing it. I’d be happy to do it sometimes on my own. The problem is that it’s expected multiple times a day and feels like a duty instead of something enjoyable.
Who is being the asshole here?
TL;DR: My girlfriend expects multiple foot massages a day and gets upset when I don’t give them. I feel like it’s becoming a duty rather than something mutual. Am I being unreasonable?
NTA – imagine if the roles were reversed.
NTA. She took something fun and turned it into a chore. And pretending to cry? Yikes.
You need to apply the “toddler treatment”; as soon as they start crying for something, they _definitely_ aren’t getting it.
Yeah the wining and fake crying is a massive red flag of a disease called: manipulation
I don’t think shes right for crying and emotionally manipulating via that BUT!!! Its been 4 months and she is fully supporting you. I think 😭…. bro I think if I were you. Id be rubbing those feet like my life depended on it.
Not saying to do that! (Because I know you dont want to)
But in the same situation rubbing her feet would be my new job until I got one 🥲
Ohh so she can just hold money over his head and get foot rubs under duress? Seems like a weird type of transactional relationship. Imagine if the roles were reversed suddenly he’d be a financial abuser or something.
Hey now, I said she’s wrong and manipulating! ✋️
What I said after is thats what I would do but im not advising him to do the same, because I know he doesnt want to! Ive been in a similar situation to this one. And sometimes your safety and shelter becomes a risk, so me personally would do it until I could secure a job and be able to financially protect myself if she decides shes done with me. I had this senario happen with a family memeber I trusted, and I had to do what I could.
Clarifying my intentions and comment just incase!
Its my own take of what Id do. Incase it’s a useful perspective to OP.
(Obviously nuance to this senario and if his gf were asking for something that would a kin to sex or actions OP would see as violating, I would not make my same comment!!!!
I’m commenting in the perspective that the footrubs are getting to much/tiring/demanding/annoyance, rather than something violating/forceful)
🫡 I hope this clears up any confusion about my comment
Your take is too nuanced and lived in reality for reddit. Having to make difficult decisions for your basic needs is not something a lot of redditors would be familiar with and how delicate that kind of situation is. Better days and good partners are never guaranteed. In the end, you learn to rely on yourself. And if a good situation or partner does come along, cherish it.
Reverse the roles, and sex, and replace it with BJs. If he’s the sole breadwinner and demanding multiple a day is it still ok?
Rubbing feet is not the same as a blow job, but it’s not right either way.
NTA. You need to very clearly set a boundary with her that you don’t enjoy doing it multiple times a day, on demand. It’s an issue of consent. Make sure to talk to her properly and explain that this is an issue and that she can’t expect you to always give her massages.
Not the asshole,
Relationships shouldn’t be transactional
ESH or NAH, I reckon it’s not the foot rubbing per se. She comes home from work and you’re playing video games? She has to feel some type of way about that. If she’s the sole breadwinner right now and that’s not your relationship agreement, you should be doing most of the house chores and/or submitting job applications like that is your job. You guys should have an honest discussion of how you’re both feeling (I’m sure it doesn’t feel great to be out of work for so long too) and how you can both communicate better, and what it would take for each of you to feel loved and appreciated.
NTA. I mean people commenting about your job are silly. Yes you’ve been unemployed and that’s its own issue but that doesn’t mean she just gets to use you as a foot rub machine. I think you should learn to say no more. I get it’s hard while she holds money over your head. But isn’t that also financial abuse? Idk.