For some context, my wife is from Sweden. But her mother, who still lives in Sweden, is Ukranian and my wife got a lot of her traits so she does look very Slavic and, to be fair, it is something that stands out in the part of the US we live in. She is also not eligible to be a naturalized citizen in the US for a couple of years as she hasn’t been in the US long enough and we have only been married for 10 months.
But, yesterday I went out to dinner and drinks with some of my friends, and one of my close friends brought his longtime friend who was visiting I’ve known for awhile. I have never particularly liked this person, but he’s kind of a "friend by proxy" since he’s close with one of my close friends and I just see him a few times a year at most. He’s the type that has a tendency to really push the envelope on making jokes and will often go over the line, so I already don’t particularly like him.
During dinner, he immediately starts asking about my "Russian wife, or wherever she’s from" and I explained her heritage.
He clearly didn’t understand and was clearly already inebriated because his response was along the lines of "oh kind of like Melania!" (In reference to the First Lady…who is not Ukranian or Swedish, she’s Slovenian lol)
And then, trying to be funny, he asked "how much it cost to get her over here?". I didn’t think that was very funny, but others did so I just kind of brushed it off and hoped hed drop it. He said it in a way that was joking, but I have him a smart ass response back.
The whole evening he would just ask random questions, some of them actually good questions. But, he kept referring to her as "my Melania" and would do a shitty 47 impression when he said it.
Where it hit the line was when he made a joke about her leaving me just because she wanted to be a US citizen and then started making jokes about a particular law enforcement agency I can’t post on here showing up to our home and making fun of her accent.
At that point I could tell other people were kind of like…okay… Little too much here and I just straight up said "will you fucking stop?" And got into it a little bit.
Clearly ruined the evening and I feel bad for that but It was disrespectful. Even though I love to lovingly pick on my wife, I also know she is really sensitive to getting made fun of and she struggles still with some stuff and there’s been times where she’s got made fun of for not knowing certain slang terms or her accent even though it’s subtle and it hurts her a lot.
So him saying some of that shit bothered me and it would’ve really bothered her if she was there. I maybe could’ve handled it better, and I do feel like an asshole for ruining the evening, but I was just over it.
Edit: to clarify, my friend was also really upset with me for making a scene instead of handling it privately and I definitely made the rest of the evening uncomfortable.
NTA. That guy was horrid, and I’m surprised that nobody else spoke up and told him off.
You didn’t ruin the evening, he did. You are not responsible for the behaviour of others
NTA – the guy is a hateful person. Please be careful I bet that guy reports your wife to immigration.
NTA and thank you for defending your wife.
NTA but I really cannot believe you didn’t get up and leave at the cost comment. You allowed this to go on for too long and even your other friends didn’t seem all that bothered… you need better friends given the situation of your country.
Same here. I would have lit into him after the first comment.
I did clap back a little on that one and several people at the table were like “ooh… Might have been a little much there” but he said it in a joking way.
But after that, it was pretty clear he was being pretty serious about some of his questions and that wasn’t fully a joke. But I wish I shut it down right there.
If your friend is annoyed because you pushed back and felt that you should have handled it “privately” then he too is an asshole. He’s embarrassing you in front of a group and you’re supposed to handle it with grace? Tell them both to FO!
NTA.
Your friend is also an A for being more concerned about the evening and less concerned about his friends bigoted comments
NTA. And the other people who sat there silently while this guy demeaned and made fun of your wife because she’s from another country are also AHs. If the night was uncomfortable, it was because everyone was pretending it was normal to mock someone for being born outside of the US. (Get new friends).
YTA you should have spoken up much much sooner
In any other country the conversation would have been:
“Where’s your wife from?
“Sweden”
“Oh, cool”
And on to the next thing. NTA.
NTA – in fact, that’s exactly what women have been asking men to do for decades… hold other men accountable for their shitty behavior and comments.
Ahh the societal norm of letting people publicly get away with disrespect because correcting them in the moment is disrespectful and “makes a scene”
Literally bollocks, you did the right thing and probably should have spoken up sooner. As everyone else should have. Your friend by proxy is a weirdo to keep picking on your wife, he needed to be shut down.
Your friend can be mad at you for not handling it privately. But you should be mad at them for not reeling in *their* friend.
NTA