My boyfriend and I have been together a few years and going to see the Scream movies on opening night has always been our thing. We’ve done it for years. We always go opening night so we don’t get spoilers and usually make a whole night of it. Dinner, movie, then going home and talking about it and watching YouTube videos about things we missed. I really look forward to it every time.
Scream 7 is coming out soon and this week he messaged me asking if we should go at 5 on Friday. I finish work at 5 and commute so that wouldn’t even be possible for me. When I asked why so early he said it’s because it’s his friend Adam’s birthday and he agreed to go for drinks.
That’s what upset me. It felt like our plans were being pushed aside last minute without even checking with me first. It wasn’t just about the movie, it’s kind of been our thing for years.
I’m also uncomfortable with this friend. In the past, while drunk, Adam called me on my boyfriend’s phone and made sexual and vulgar comments to me. I was really upset by it and didn’t feel like my boyfriend defended me properly at the time. Because of that I don’t go out with him and I’m already sensitive when plans involving him affect us.
I tried to explain why I was upset and suggested we talk in person because texting was making it worse. My boyfriend said he wanted to sort it over messages. We went back and forth and he eventually said he didn’t know what to do and that he was “fucked either way”. I said realistically it was one plan or the other.
After that he read my message and didn’t reply for about an hour. When I asked if everything was okay he said he didn’t have anything else to say to me. It turned into an argument and I eventually asked him to leave me alone.
This isn’t the first time this has happened. When we argue it’s often about him forgetting or changing plans, then shutting down and apologising later but nothing really changes.
AITA for being upset and saying it was one or the other?
Edit: in my explanation i said its good communication. i meant its NOT good
ESH. You have 2 different problems. Strictly the bday thing is Y T A since birthdays are a reason to miss “plans” that aren’t plans yet and he did offer another solution but that doesn’t work for you. However, N T A when it comes to being uncomfortable with him and honestly, if he didn’t defend you, you have a boyfriend problem to think about it. So based on both of these I’m going with E S H
I mean, the thing about long-standing plans like this is that things *do* come up, because that’s life. It’s sort of like how birthdays are often celebrated on the most convenient day around the actual date, because adults understand that sometimes they need to be flexible if they want a long-standing tradition with other people.
The background info about this Adam guy is….well, in your shoes idk if I would choose a relationship with someone who remains friends with a guy who made me uncomfortable sexually, but you did. A natural consequence of that choice is that Adam is in your boyfriend’s life, so pulling a shocked Pikachu face when your boyfriend hangs out with Adam is a little baffling to me.
YTA. This movie will be in theaters for weeks, and your boyfriend literally did try to make a plan with you to watch it on opening day. It’s unfortunate that you were unavailable at the time he suggested, but since you’re unavailable early and your boyfriend is unavailable later….logic dictates that the best way to preserve your tradition is to do it another day.
NTA. He had to choose between you and this friend and it is reasonable for you to be unhappy that he didn’t choose you. But to be fair, it would appear he doesn’t value that tradition to the same extent you do. He had already chosen his friend when he agreed to go out with him on your movie night.
I mean, movies are in theaters for weeks at a time, and it’s his friend’s birthday, so he’s presumably been invited to an event that is happening on a specific day and won’t be repeated. It’s extremely common for years-long traditions whose dates can be flexible to be adjusted year-to-year based on what’s going on in everyone’s life. Reducing life to “it’s either your friend or your SO” strips nuance and creates false dichotomy.
I suspect this is more about who the friend is and OP’s history with the friend…but OP knowingly chooses to be with a bf whose friend behaves this way, so the bf sometimes having plans with that friend is a natural consequence of that choice.
NTA for feeling upset, you’re entitled to your feelings.
I’m a pretty flexible person, if my BF had something like this come up and changed our plans, I would say absolutely, go to your friend’s birthday, we’ll go to the movie tomorrow. Life happens.
However I’m guessing it has more to do about who this particular friend is and how he has treated you in the past, and your boyfriend’s total lack of respect for you and standing up for you.
INFO: when did you actually find out about when Scream would be premiering? Would he have even known the date before making plans for his friend’s birthday?
We found out probably mid last year when it was announced. His plans with his friend came up today and he agreed to them straight away. So he knew the date because we spoke about it on the weekend.
NTA. I agree that he could’ve mentioned this to you before making any plans, and it seems he had already made up his mind.
About the Adam thing, I’d talk to him about that and make it clear the reason you dislike Adam, because if your boyfriend still doesn’t defend you or has your back, this is a big red flag.
Thank you. I agree the bigger issue at hand is Adam. On the night it went down he claims he defended me. Yet they were friendly ish when it went down and since then they see each other more frequently and are friendlier. He didn’t go to his birthday any of the previous years but since the night he was nasty to me they go out more.
I have brought it up since then and he just gets all funny. And chalks it down to him being drunk and stupid. I don’t want to say stop being friends with him. Because thats controlling. So I don’t know how to handle that part. It makes me uncomfortable. But thank you for your comment.
NTA
This man is telling you he is prioritizing his creepy buddy over his word to you. Is that the kind of relationship you want?
“Oh, I found something better to do, with this person who treated you like shit, don’t try to make me feel bad about it or you’re a nag.” WTF.
Why does he still have this man in his life at all? He kept this guy as a friend after he treated you with incredible disrespect. That means he agrees with that treatment of you. How do you think he talks about you to his friends, if his friend feels like calling you up to harass you is something that’s going to fly? Which it did, of course. This man doesn’t respect you, so why would his friends feel like they need to?
Raise your standards, babe.
Thank you! I think the underlying issue of why I’m so upset is his creepy friend and how he just allowed that behaviour. Thank you for validating my feelings in that. Some conversations are going to be had.
Bf sounds like he sucks and I’d break up with him for refusing to talk it out on the phone, just that alone is a no go for me n I don’t have time for that shit. But YTA becsuse birthday plans aren’t movable and it will be the same movie if you see it one night or the next, th experience will be near identical.