I (20NB) live in a shared house with private rooms with two other roommates 21(NB) (22F).
Over the past 6 months me and the F roommate have had an issue with the wall between our rooms being too thin, her being light sleeper, and me making quiet calls with my girlfriend at night.
At this point she has emailed our landlord separately, after saying she is going to move out, now requiring me to be completely silent after midnight despite us both being students in private rooms, and almost everyone I know is considering her unreasonable. This was not told to be a consideration upon moving in and is not directly stated in the tenancy agreement.
Our other roommate 21(NB) has been switzerlanding, but has told me they believe the other roommate is being unreasonable and that they would vouch for me if the situation escalated.
At the beginning of our tenancy together i let them both know my girlfriend would likely be staying with me for a week (we are long distance) , sometime in the new year. I brought it up, and have now been required to have them both give me consent, which the F roommate is likely to deny because of previous issues. Thus far she has had multiple people over, without letting the landlord know, overnight.
My girlfriend has already bought a 500 dollar plane ticket that cannot be refunded, and we barely get to see each other. For the past 6 months I have had no guests over at all and this would be my first time. I am in a situation where I feel it is unfair to be denied to have her over especially with the other restrictions I have been placed under after not expecting them moving in considering our long distance situation. I am wanting to have her over anyway, since the roommate is moving out and I am planning to move out anyway considering the circumstances.
WIBTA?
Clarification:
She would be coming for a week march 1-8
roommate has had people over only for 1-2 day /night stays
She has been letting people over herself overnight, you need to do the same that she does, tell the landlord, FAFO. Additionally, until you can sort this, it may (?) benefit you to find a separate place to stay when your GF comes?
NTA, that’s none of the roommate’s business. You can have guests as much as you want to, a roommate has no say in that.
That’s incorrect. It depends what the lease says.
Did she ask you if she could have guests over? If not, dont even worry.
She didnt, but they were one to two night visits. My girlfriend would be staying for a week, does that change things?
A week changes things – yes.
NTA, don’t mention it and when your gf arrives and she threatens you, threaten to tell the landlord about the people she’s had over. You can say:
“You had people over without asking me so I figured I could have people over without asking you”
NTA
BUT: Let me first say your roomate expecting you to be quiet after midnight is absolutely 1000% reasonable. She pays for rent, the audacity to act like your roomate is being unreasonable for wanting quiet hours comes off as ENTITLED AS FUCK lmao. You might *think* you’re quiet but if the calls are *that* important to you- go outside!
“This was not told to be a consideration upon moving in and is not directly stated in the tenancy agreement.” You’re a grown adult omfg! They shouldn’t HAVE to write common knowledge holy shit. I know you’re only 20 but be so for real rn.
Anyways, you should 100% give your roommates (and the landlord) at least a 2 weeks heads up before your gf arrives. Since they do it as well too bad if they get mad. It would be HIGHLY preferable to know/talk to the person that would be in their house for a week before they arrive though (safety concerns/stranger in their home obviously). If your *landlord* says no though that’s 100% on you and they can absolutely evict you for breaking the lease.
In regards to after midnight quiet time they have the right to that also… They too pay rent. I don’t think that’s an unreasonable request.
Having your partner stay for a week with plenty of notice is not an issue imo… If needs be put it in writing and keep a copy for yourself and write the date of “postage” on the document and then maybe just for your protection pop a reminder out about a week before she’s due over. If they too are having visitors then it cannot be an issue.
You do not need to tell anyone or get permission from anyone when your want to have a guest over. however because you live with roommates, your guest cannot be at your place when you are not there.
As far as sound transferring through walls.
Rearranging furniture can sometimes help. Make sure headboards are not up against shared walls, put dressers on shared walls when possible to help dampen sound transferring.
What efforts have you made to reduce the noise levels? It’s been going on for 6 months now. Have the two of you had any discussion about what could be done to resolve this? E.g. putting up wall hangings on your shared wall to muffle the sound, swapping rooms with your other housemate, making your calls from a room that doesn’t share a wall with her? Or are you both just complaining about the situation and trying to get validation from your friends and the internet?
I have put stoppers under the door, shes put up some ? like panel soundproofig over a small section of the wall, Ive bought soundproofing as well but havent been able to put it up yet since I wanted my grandparents to help me so i dont make permanent damage to the home, and theyve been busy with my great grandmother in the hospital.
The other house mate doesnt want to switch rooms since they have the master and the room she is in is relatively smaller than both of ours.
Ive tried lowering my volume as much as possible, my bed is as far away from hers and being at my desk is my main issue since it shares the wall, I definitely could arrange my room different, I might do this tomorrow see if it helps. I was worred about sockets by my computer which is why i havent.
I believe shes tried earplugs but said they did not work and she could still hear me. I genuinely do believe i have made an effort to be quieter, often my gf and family cant even hear me when i talk, so i believe it was mainly a comfort issue.
The common areas ad spaces are typically worse for noise transferring – i believe the doors are the main issue she often leaves hers open and when she was shutting it for a few days, didn’t put anything under it like i have but am unsure if this would make a difference.
So far the main discussion was just to have the quiet hours no exceptions, there wasnt much leeway. I am trying not to go into personal situations on her character and communication but I think some resentment has made it difficult on this front.
sorry for holy yapping here
Who is the requirement to let know you have visitors? Like a requirement – a request/demand from someone or some kind of legally binding requirement?
I don’t think you would be TA. I think you would be dumb to not say “hey I’m having so and so over for these dates” – letting them know is just basic manners. That’s not asking permission.
In saying that, sounds like a small place and personally, though I live alone for this reason lol, I’d hate to have a roommates guest hanging around for a whole 8 days. That’s actually a long time if your living quarters are already tight/there’s already tension. Not saying you CAN’T but also gotta take into consideration if you want to live with people who really dislike you lol. All this balancing between what’s “right” and what’s going to “keep the peace” is why I’m very lucky to live alone lol.