so i (25f) was at a small team lunch with coworkers
one of them (28m) was telling a story about a project we worked on together. while explaining it, he said something like, “yeah and she was super overwhelmed so i basically had to take over most of it.”
that’s not true
i wasn’t overwhelmed. we split the work pretty evenly. i handled my half completely fine
i waited for him to finish and then said, “just to clarify, we actually divided that project 50/50. i wasn’t overwhelmed.”
i said it calmly. not sarcastic. but my tone might have come across as rude, but really it wasn’t intentional
it got quiet for a second. he laughed and said, “okay okay, sure,” but the vibe definitely shifted
later he messaged me saying i embarrassed him and made him look like he was lying in front of everyone. he said i could’ve corrected him privately instead of calling him out
i feel like if someone misrepresents my work in public, it’s fair to correct it in public.. i worked really hard on that project
but now a couple coworkers are acting like i escalated something that didn’t need to be escalated.. and he hasn’t been talking to me since
AITA for correcting him right there instead of letting it slide?
You escalated something that absolutely needed to be escalated. Asserting, at work around other coworkers who directly affect your career, that you were incapable and unprofessional is a fucking SERIOUS accusation. If he were being truthful, it would have been rude but not wrong, but if he is lying then this actually needs to be escalated further. ASAP.
You need your manager and HR. Making things up about you isn’t okay. Like if a coworker is spreading lies about you and your work ethic and abilities, they are trying to hurt your career and boost theirs by tarnishing your rep while improving theirs (even though it only outs them as cutthroat and untrustworthy). You don’t do that shit on accident.
i get what you’re saying. if it was just harmless exaggeration i probably would’ve let it go. but it’s not the first time he’s made comments that feel… off
during lunches and team outings he’ll casually say things like women don’t work as hard as men or that it’s “easier” for women because no one is tough on them. he says it like it’s a joke but it never really feels like one.. which is frustrating because i work the same hours as him.. sometimes more.. and i put in the same level of input , sometimes extra – partly because i don’t want anyone thinking i “got it easy”
and obviously not all men think like that, just like not all women are the same
i don’t know if i need to escalate it to hr yet. i’m not trying to turn this into a huge war..this could make us more awkward in office..
If you don’t want to go to HR, you do at least need to keep challenging it. Ask him to explain the joke, ask him to elaborate, be the one who says “That isn’t an okay thing to say”. Document these incidents. Sweeping it under the rug and acting like what he says normal and okay makes you complicit. Do you want to be complicit? Would you be okay with being describing you as a complicit person?
i also tried talking to a couple of my female teammates about it for support but they told me to “take it easy” and that i might be overreacting.. maybe it’s because he’s been here forever, has a lot of authority, really good personal connections with HR and knows people across other teams..idk if that’s the reason no one is speaking up.. i definitely don’t want to be complicit but it’s tricky figuring out how much to push without turning everything into a huge confrontation…
At my workplace, if someone is Gossiping/bitching, and you DONT shut them down, walk away, or inform HR, it’s assumed that you are part of the problem.
It would be the same if someone made an offensive ‘joke’ and we didn’t report it.
The organisation is very clear about professional standards, and acting like that is not ok.
you’re NTA. It sounds like he’s creating a hostile work environment by criticizing your work in public like that.
The gall of the man. NTA, and yes, take it to HR. This is unacceptable behaviour.
…he WAS lying in front of everyone…
NTA
”later he messaged me saying i embarrassed him and made him look like he was lying in front of everyone”
He embarrassed himself, and he was lying in front of everyone.
NTA
NTA – Maybe the most common hallmark of an asshole is that they’ll run their mouth and play victim at the slightest bit of pushback. It is not your responsibility to be belittled just so he can stroke his ego.
NTA.
>saying i embarrassed him and made him look like he was lying
Well, yeah. That’s because he *was* lying.
He lied about you in public. The correction *must* be made in public or he gets shown that there’s no repercussion for lying about you. He’s *supposed* to be and deserved to be embarrassed about lying.
Did he pull you aside and tell you he was going to act superior to you before he tried to throw you under the bus and make you look stupid, lazy and overwhelmed? No? I didn’t think so.
Bet he won’t try to look so superior over some else again. You taught him a very valuable lesson
NTA
NTA. And the second anyone in my life told me I was the one in the wrong here, I would’ve said “Oh you’re right, I should’ve been a good, submissive little woman and made it easier for him to publicly humiliate me on purpose so he could steal credit for my work”. Because that’s exactly what they’re saying, whether they realise that or not. You’re “in the wrong” because you didn’t shut up and take it, in their mind. Because men stealing from and silencing us is meant to be something we accept.
Fuck. That. Let’s make 2026 the year that we DON’T just shut up and take it.
“You’re right. I shouldn’t have embarrassed you by telling the truth right after you tried to embarrass me by telling a lie.”