I (18 M) recently had Christmas dinner with my extended family Barr my father and his family.
My younger cousin that I’m going to call AL (9 M) has always been heavily spoiled by his parents and has recently somehow come up with a rather homophobic ideal which has been hard on my older cousin (14 FTM) that has recently come out as Trans. My aunt isn’t particularly transphobic but struggles with the idea and tends to have open arguments while AL is around so my older cousin, I’m going to call him EJ to shorten this slightly, has been receiving a lot of criticism from him. The criticism is very clearly something that has come from someone else, either someone older or perhaps something he’s seen on YouTube but nonetheless hasn’t been helping with his already harsh coming out.
For some more extra context EJ had recently had his tonsils removed so eating was been a struggle for him and he ended up taking a lot longer to finish his plate.
Come Christmas and AL was already mardy because EJ had a TV for Christmas and AL decided that he wanted one even though he already had a lot of money spent on him.
When my aunt had finished cooking and plated up she gave EJ his first so he could hopefully finish when everyone else did, to which my little cousin immediately opposed and decided to throw a fit over it. He sat screaming and crying for at-least twenty minutes until I finally snapped when he shouted slur across the table he’d presumably got from the internet. I told him that he was being a selfish little prick and told him to get out the dining room as EJ was very much upset and in pain from trying to eat.
My aunt had ago at my mother saying he was only little and that I shouldn’t have had ago at him because “he didn’t understand what he was saying” and it’s her job to tell him off even though she very much should have previously.
At this point I was done anyway so I called my father and had him pick me up as i couldn’t stand to watch EJ cry over his mom not helping him out at any point.
Because of this my aunt has refused to contact us for a while and has said she won’t be coming over for my birthday even though EJ has begged her too. Although a lot of my family agreed with her for choosing not to come my aunts lack of reaction to AL’s behaviour has been a reoccurring issue, with her telling EJ off for things he hasn’t done and ignoring AL’s wrong doing entirely.
AITA for refusing to stay??
Christmas was months ago. Why post this now?
My aunt has only recently refused to come for my birthday because of this reason
Take the win then she sounds annoying
NTA, but borderline E S H.
You shouldn’t resort to calling this kid names because he’s using slurs. But at 9yo, he KNOWS what he’s saying and knows it’s bad. He’s doing it to get a reaction. Your aunt is a total AH for the AH she’s raising, and EJ’s mom is an AH for not standing up for her child.
What a circus. I would count my blessings the aunt and her brat aren’t coming. Enjoy your birthday meal with people with whom you can relax and enjoy the time.
And maybe put some effort into hanging out with EJ just to spend time with him. Transitions are tough and I have no doubt he feels isolated from a lot of people.
NTA. EJ is probably going to go NC the minute he is of legal age.
NTA.
Your description is a little confusing, but I take it that you were having Christmas with your mother’s side of the family at her sister’s house.
If the situation was upsetting to you, then it is fine for you to cut your visit short. That is not a dig at how your aunt handles her children, but she has seemed to take it as such.
If I had to guess, I would say that EJ would be just fine coming to your birthday without his mother or AL. So he was pleading with her so that HE could come. Or just more generally that his mother not cut you out of his life.
Holiday gatherings aside, I think you should try to spend time with EJ and support him however you can. He appreciated you taking his side at Christmas, and he needs allies like you.
NTA
Was your reaction perfect? No. Does it make you TA of this situation? Also no.
Even setting aside the specifics, no one wants to be in a place where one person is allowed to run roughshod over everyone else. Your aunt’s failure to parent made some form of this inevitable.