I (25F) work full-time and go to the office daily, so I need clear plans. My friend “N” (25F) is a freelance digital nomad and prefers going with the flow. We live 2.5 hours apart by train. I live with my boyfriend “P” (25M).
Months ago N suggested we go to a concert in my city. When she bought the tickets, she told me she’d travel to our home country for a wedding and return exactly in time for the concert. Later she started mentioning she had possible travel plans during those dates (still unconfirmed to this day). She didn’t mention the concert exactly until I asked, then said she wasn’t going anymore. Instead of apologizing, she said: “So you don’t go alone, your boyfriend can buy my ticket and go with you.” That felt dismissive because I was going mainly to go with her.
We discussed seeing each other before she left again. I suggested either she come a few days early (since her flight departs from my city) or I could visit her (so I’d pay for trains and we could do 1:1 time). She left me on read for 2 days, then texted: “Maybe I’ll come this weekend.” No asking if it worked for me or if she could stay at my place. I invited her to join my friday plans, but she said she had other friends she could meet, and that way I could have quality time with my other friends. I asked directly if she didn’t want to join to my Galentines, she responded she didn’t want to go because she was drained and didn’t have the “social battery” to meet new people. Nevertheless, she did say she wanted to join us in the club after our pregame. I respected that, and I even adjusted my weekend so I could keep Saturday and Sunday open for us.
Friday night she told me she texted a male friend to meet up, and he said he could grab drinks after dinner, but he couldn’t confirm the time yet. Later he told her he was taking a nap, and he ended up not replying till next day. She went to the place where they had originally planned to meet because there were other people there that she knew from university, one of them called “L” (not close friends, more like acquaintances). Later that night, she eventually did join me at the club where I was with my friends, but she did arrive later than agreed. Saturday she wanted to go to a pregame with “L” and his friends. The 3 of us went there, it was at a stranger’s apartment and she only knew "L". When the pregame came to an end, my boyfriend and I went to karaoke (something he’s wanted forever) but she chose to continue with “L” and that new group. She went to a bar and then a club were we met her around 3:30am, but my boyfriend hated it and wanted to leave, she came with us but said she wished I stayed longer with her. For me it didn’t make sense to stay since this people weren’t really our friends and it was already pretty late.
The whole weekend felt driven by convenience and personal interest. Her communication has been vague and last-minute, and it made me feel like she didn’t respect my time, space, or energy. If I have friends visiting me I expect them to join my plans so i don’t feel used.
I told her I didn’t like her ambiguous communication and that some things felt inconsiderate. She doesn’t agree.
NTA
I couldn’t even read all of it, your “friend” sounds extremely irritating. You realise she doesn’t actually like you because if she did she would make plans and stick with them. It sounds like you are a handy person to have around in case she needs somewhere to stay or something to do to fill her time. Move on, nobody deserves to be last choice.
I read it all, and you’re absolutely right. This is a classic case of “She’s just not that into you,” even in a platonic friendship kind of way. OP is the afterthought, not the person her friend really values seeing and spending time with. Time to ditch the friend who doesn’t prioritize their friendship the same way.
nta. i had a friend like that in the past. they didn’t respect my time and space and just kept on pressuring me to go out with them for their convenience only because e.g. this was their only available sched or because they didn’t have anyone else to go to.
just keep on pushing your boundaries to them, seems like they’re being selfish and just keeps on thinking about themselves and not the others (you)
NTA. Curious if this is the first time your friend has shown this type of behavior?
I can’t stand it when my time and plans are not respected. I don’t think you’re to blame here. You could talk to her first and convey that this point is very important to you. But if a person still ignores it, then she just doesn’t care about it, it’s not that important to hre. She is unlikely to change her behavior
NTA
NTA
This chick is not your friend, she just sees you as somebody convenient to make plans with and also equally convenient to ditch.
NTA. This person is not your friend and you are not taking a hint. She’s outgrown the friendship. You have different interests. She is phasing you out. Is N single? Has this pattern always been or did it start when you began dating P? Either way, she’s shown that plans with you are an afterthought and not a priority and the two of you have different needs and communication styles and cannot gel. Friendships don’t always last. It hurts, I have been there, but cut your losses. You could try one more time to express how hurt you are that she doesn’t treat the friendship like a priority and ask if something is going on, however I suspect this won’t go anywhere.
hon – reread your post. Pretty much every line is She wanted, she did, she decided, She She She.
When, exactly, did she ASK if? If the time works? If the plan works. If the activity is something you’re interested in?
She might be a fun girl – but she’s not a friend. NTA for feeling used and unappreciated.
Maybe she’ll mature and change her ways. And in the meantime – don’t prioritize her.
NTA. Your friend is the AH. Sounds like she feels like the queen of everywhere. And you are just living in her world.
YTA. Just tell her you need clear plans by xxx or you cannot accommodate her. If you continue to bend to her, you are allowing that to be the pattern. Complaining about it after doesn’t help anyone.
Yeah we’ve talked now, although we had to agree to disagree. She suggested to stay somewhere else next time so I don’t feel pressure to be a good host and feel like I have to spend 24/7 with her. You are right, I’m putting limits now so it doesn’t become a pattern.
Nta you are very different people. You are a planner and shes not. Neither are wrong.