Okay, so I really didn’t know how to word the title, as you can probably tell. I also don’t know how to word anything, so this might be a bit of a ramble. Please bear with me.
I (18M) have had some weird kind of situationship(?) on and off since January 2024 with a guy (also 18M), who we’ll call Ben. Ben is lovely but tends to push and pull in relationships from what I can tell (including with me).
Ben has an ex (18F/NB) who we’ll call Alex. They dated about a month after me and Ben met (essentially Ben chose Alex over me).
I’m very confused about some of Ben’s actions towards me, and some have been unkind, though I’m not sure he meant them to be.
I was considering reaching out to Alex and seeing if I could get any closure from their side of the story as I know that they’re not keen on Ben.
However, I’m worried that it may be selfish and upsetting to either Ben or Alex.
WIBTAH?
Edit: just to clarify some things I meant to put in my original post:
I’ve tried reaching out to Ben but he just never responds (he’s done this on and off since I met him) I also used to be friends with Alex for a bit when they first split up.
Also this whole thing has been going on since January 2024, I forgot to put the year sorry 😭😭
Both these people sound like a waste of your time. Teenage relationships can be hard and stupid. They can also be great, but it sounds like Ben showed you his true colors.
if you’re having so many issues with Ben that you want to contact his ex to ask about it, I think you should just stop being involved with Ben, especially if he’s been unkind to you. You deserve better! 🙂
YTA
Contacting someone’s ex is strange.
Closure isn’t real. Talking to Ben’s ex isn’t going to make you magically feel better.
Block everyone involved and move on with your life
If you want closure then reach out to Ben.
Very creepy to message his ex.
NAH except maybe Ben, but the thing is closure is something you give yourself.
Ultimately, closure is the act of deciding “this is enough”. You can’t make Ben give you more, not more attention, not more information, not more kindness. And it isn’t fair to ask Alex to.
The good news is that closure is always something that happens inside yourself. You decide you’re going to let something go, you find something else to focus on whenever Ben comes up in your mind, and one day you’ll realise you don’t need to make the effort and Ben is just a memory.
YWBTA if you did this.. Dress it up in closure, but you’re asking us to validate you wanting to trauma bond with Ben’s ex. When you want closure, you get it with that person directly, not with them through someone else. It’s not going to bring Ben back and your understanding of him belongs to each of you. Either talk it out with Ben yourself or in therapy. Leave his ex out of it.
YTA. Closure is a made up thing. Blocking someone is closure. Making them talk to you and answer questions is the opposite
YWBTAH. I would just leave it alone, and move on with your life. They don’t owe you any explanation at all.
YWBTA
Have you ever heard of not opening Pandora’s box? Because once opened, you can shut it again. You might find out stuff that you do NOT want to hear. Do you REALLY want to hear stuff that can upset you? If the answer is no, then move on with your life. You’re 18, and these people will not be in your life much longer if you guys are still in High School.
Closure is something you give yourself.
YWBTA if you reached out to someone who isn’t your friend for an explanation of why your common ex did whatever he did.
Yeah, idk about *asshole,* but an interaction with Alex will almost certainly not go the way you’re envisioning and they almost certainly cannot give you whatever it is you’re seeking from them.
The fact is, you’re with a guy who regularly ghosts you and who you describe as regularly unkind. What do you think Alex is going to say or do that will change that?
Closure is something you give yourself. Leave Alex alone.
You should just let this all go.
It sounds like Ben only comes to you when it’s suits him and you don’t want to be the person who lets him take advantage of you like that.
And don’t bother trying to dissect Ben’s actions by talking to Alex because you probably aren’t going to get what you want out of that either.
I know you’re young and have learn from your own mistakes but if it’s possible learn from mine. I was a needy mess at your age and chased people who only wanted me when there was no one better around. Looking back on that period of my life is so embarrassing and I wish I had made better decisions that weren’t dependent on waiting around for selfish people to notice me for 5 minutes.
Edit: Clarity
Thank you, I really appreciate this advice