Before y’all lash out at me, let me make it clear. My grandmother(let’s call her Ratched for a better understanding) has been a b!tch since forever. She lives with my family (Mom, dad, me(18M) and my elder sister) She doesn’t personally have a problem with me but she has made my mother’s life so much harder than she deserves.
Ever since my mother came into this house 25 years ago, my grandmother hasn’t cooked a meal. My father helps a little around the kitchen and we siblings sometimes cook for ourselves. Even while working a full time job, she looks after the house and Ratched, for 25 years hasn’t moved a muscle for work. My parents bound by societal norms couldn’t kick her out. (Big mistake, I know).
When my mother was expecting my sister, Ratched still didn’t care to do the housework. She had to hire a maid. After my sister was born, Ratched raised a fuss that she wouldn’t have her in the house because she was a girl. Ik it’s ridiculous. And she only loves me because I’m her grandSON.
She mistreated my grandfather who had cancer and passed away before I was born, treated him like sh!t when he was bedridden.
Still my parents having insanely high tolerance that I don’t, adjusted on the cost of their mental health. They couldn’t travel or enjoy their young years because of her. Once I caught her b!tching false sh!tabout my mother to her equally asshole of a daughter(my aunt) and confronted her about it. She played it off and said she wouldn’t do it again. But obviously, she’s an asshole so no difference.
My parents are truly the best I could’ve asked for, but they didn’t deserve the suffering Ratched caused to them. There’s a lot more to the story but I’ll finish the back story there.
Since last year, Ratched’s health has been declining and she’s currently bedridden. My parents have been taking care of her and sleeping in hospital waiting rooms for several days on end. It’s also a big hit financially but they don’t complain. My mother, who has suffered the most because of Ratched, can’t even sleep properly because that old miserable woman whines all night long.
Ratched is in quite some pain lately. Her joints, back, neck everything hurts like hell. For the time my parents are at work, they’ve hired a maid to look after her. And yet, this pessimistic pile of sh!t complains that she has nobody, no one listens to her and she’s all alone. Her mind is full of sh!t like this even though she’s been getting the treatment she never deserved for 25 years. I can’t imagine sitting around doing nothing, still living comfortably and then complaining that you have nobody. My parents have been handfeeding her, taking her to the bathroom, just taking care of her in every way possible.
I sometimes have to be in charge when they are busy and I too do whatever is necessary but honestly, I’m kind of satisfied that she’s dying slowly and karma is getting back to her. I don’t feel any kind of remorse for her and I know I won’t be sad after she’s gone. AITAH?
NTA. You don’t have any obligations on how you should feel.
You’re not the jerk for feeling this way. Your grandma sounds like she was emotionally abusive and made your mom’s life miserable for decades. If anything, you’re just being realistic about how people like that don’t deserve a soft landing.
That said, you’re 18 and you’re living with the fallout. Your parents are in the middle of it and you don’t want to add more stress by being openly happy she’s dying. But inside? Yeah, I get it.
NTA , you have every right to feel how you feel about your own family. Whilst she hasn’t directly mistreated you, you’ve seen how her actions have affected other people and that’s enough to make your own judgements on her.
They hired a maid to look after her though she’s in a hospital?
Hospital visits are in and out. Like a week at a stretch whenever things go too serious for home treatment
Truly the master of negotiations…
NTA. Bite your tongue and keep doing the necessary for the sake of your parents’ peace of mind, but I understand why you feel the way you do.
NTA. From what I understand, she’s just a stranger who’s living with you.
Honestly, I do sympathise. I was in a similar situation a few years ago. Around 2021ish, my grandmother (dad’s mum) was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. She lived with my dad’s brother and his wife and 2 kids. I was never close to them; we’d see my dad’s mum twice a year. Once at festive celebration ( think Christmas, CNY, Raya, Deepavali) and once on her birthday. They never came around to min,e or just came over.
Fast forward to after she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. My dad’s brother’s family decided that they didn’t want to deal with her anymore, so she would spend 2 weeks at my house and 2 weeks there. The thing is, she’d never been over even when she was well, and it was really tough taking care of her. She’d argue with my mother, saying my mother was giving her leftovers and bad food ( it was the food she had cooked that afternoon, and we all were eating it together). She’d swear at my mother and curse her and start cursing my mother’s mother ( my maternal grandma)
We live in a 3-bedroom house, so I ended up sharing my room with her when she came over. She started to deteriorate; she wouldn’t want to shower, and after she used the toilet, there would be poo all over.
There’s more to the story, but long story short, my parents realised they couldn’t take care of her and give her the proper care she needed, so we put her in an old folks home nearby where we live. This infuriated my dad’s brother’s wife (who also didn’t want her at their home) and she made a huge fuss and even started cursing out my grandma (maternal side). They didn’t agree with this and refused to split the old folks’ home bill. (For the first year and a half,f he refused to pay, and up until recently, he paid $25 dollars a month. For the last few months, he’s started paying $250) . Aside from the bills of the old folks home, there’s her medication, diapers, and doctor fees
Now these days, when my dad visits her, I go too sometimes. He gets visibly emotional when we see her because, after all, she is his mother. She’s the one who raised him, clothed him, and fed him, so I think it does break something in him when he sees her like this.
He often tells me I look like her when she was younger. When I go see her, I don’t really feel anything towards her anymore. There was a period of time where I felt resentment because the process of having her in our house and putting her in the old folks home took a toll on my parents. Now I just see her like that. She wasn’t a “b-tch” as you said, but there are no feelings of pity or whatsoever. There’s just nothing.
If this issue is really bugging you and is keeping you awake at night, I’d suggest to talk to someone. I was able to talk to my dad and \*but\* I had to be very careful with the way I would phrase things (this was at the time), now though it’s okay. I could tell my mother exactly how I felt. I talked to my maternal grandmother about this and she was very understanding. I was also fortunate to have retired teachers in their 60s whom i was very close with to tell them exactly how I felt no stops at all; just blurting out my feelings.
Maybe even a therapist or a trusted friend? Make sure it’s someone you can trust because that’s really important, and you \*do not\* want it to get out, especially because you mentioned “societal norms” in your post. The last thing you want is to have a bunch of busybodies and nosy people commenting, especially because they have zero clue of what’s actually going on.
I do have a question, what do you mean by this when you mention “she only loves me because I’m her grandSON.”?
Hopefully you didn’t get lost in my waffle, and you didn’t waste your time reading my monologue lol xx
Info: How old is your grandmother??
Nta
NTA, your grandma sounds horrible. When my grandma died, whom I absolutely loved, I was sad, but not upset. She had been slowly dying for years. I had already lost the woman who helped raise me. I often tell my spouse they never actually met “my grandma”, because she had already become the shell of the woman she was. We are going through this now with his father. Your feelings or lack thereof are valid, even if you had liked her, you might still feel the same depending on how long the illness took and what kind it was. Your feelings are yours and no matter what someone else tells you, they are always valid.