I (30F) saw a post online advertising a group dance to Kate Bush songs along my local seafront. This is 100% something up my alley! Everyone wears red, listens to Kate Bush and does a choreographed dance together.
My GF (34F) (we’ve been together for almost 2 years) is not the kind of person to go to something like this so I told her I was going to go, probably with my mum. She told me that I couldn’t go because it sounds like something her ex-gf’s mum would go to and that they had gone to past events like this. She has a terrible history with her ex, although I don’t know the full details, I have gathered enough to know her ex was very verbally abusive.
I explained to my GF that I don’t even know what her ex or the mum looks like, and they don’t know anything about me (they’re fully blocked on social media and have no mutual friends) and it seems extreme to say I can’t go do something I would love to do on the odd chance a person I don’t know might be there or their mum.
I’ve also been told I can’t go to the only gay pub/ club close to us, again because this woman might be there. I said well as I don’t have a clue who I’m avoiding, I may as well never leave the house again without my GF because I have no idea who her ex is and letting her ex keep not only her, but now me, away from events I want to do is letting her ex win. She said I’m being insensitive and can do what I want as it’s clear I will do anyway and now I don’t know if I really am being a butthead.
So AITA for still wanting to go to the event?
NTA, I’m sorry your GF has been through such a horrible relationship, but she’s projecting her fears from her past relationship on you by keeping you inside and I don’t think that’s healthy. I’m not sure why she’s so scared of the small chance you might be at the same event as her ex’s mum when you don’t even know each other, but it sounds like she’s carrying a lot of anxiety with her from her past relationship. I feel like she might need some help dealing with that anxiety as it seems to be holding her and you back in life.
Nta
Your gf is being weirdly controlling
nta- WHY ARE YOU WITH SOMEONE WHO IS TRYING TO CONTROL YOU??? She told me that I couldn’t go because it sounds like something her ex-gf’s mum would go to and that they had gone to past events like this. – she can’t tell you that you CAN’T GO! You are an adult with Free Will… Go to the event, have a good time and have your GF seek therapy…
She’s being (or trying to be) extremely controlling.
Her “reasoning” is utterly absurd.
That relationship ended more than 2 years ago – she can’t expect to hide (or to hide you) forever.
NTA.
NTA your GF is being ridiculous. It sucks she went through a traumatic experience, but you don’t even know these ppl.
SN: The event sounds SO fun! Please go and have a good time! Dance extra hard to “Running Up That Hill” for me! 🙂
NTA. Do you get to breath the air…asking since the ex might also do that. Does it sound absurd? That’s because it is, that’s what i felt reading. You don’t have to stop yourself doing things just because someone unrelated to you might do them
NTA, you shouldnt also buy groceries as your ex 4th cousin may be there.
Seriously. Even if you meet her ex gf then so what? It should be fine as long as you respect your GF and dont try to get buddy-buddy with ex.
You’re NTA but if its real trauma…. you need to approach the situation very delicately and explain that its unfair to dictate how you both live your life in fear of this person. I left a verbally abusive ex after 5 years, only threats no physical violence to me and still had nightmares about them for 2 years. After i moved from the city we lived in everytime I drove through or nesr that area I would get physically sick and have a panic attack. My point being is that sometimes when you leave the idea of tbe monster gets bigger. Only after discovering my ex moved to the other side of the country did I finally breathe and start to heal. Talk with her be kind but firm. Make it clear her well being is paramount but she needs to go to therapy and start tackling her fears wether rational or imagined
NTA unless your girlfriend is in hiding from her ex as a result of physical danger if her location is potentially revealed
This is grossly controlling behavior. Nta and your GF needs to be seeing someone about this if it was that bad.
NTA. It is extreme to not going anywhere because you might meet someone related to your GF’s ex. Logically, you couldn’t go anywhere! I can see why your GF won’t want to take the risk, but I don’t see the problem with you and your mother going.
You’re not being insensitive. She is being maniacally controlling.
The fact that she even THINKS that she could “tell” you not to do something says a lot.
NTA.
I’m going to be a little bit less harsh on your GF than some posters, but I’m still opening with NTA: based on what she is and is not saying, it sounds like your GF is absolutely terrified that her abusive ex will track her down, and she’s making it your problem.
It could be that she’s just being controlling, or it could be that she thinks that her ex is stalking her and will know what you look like and will follow you or start something. This is not a reasonable fear to have, but it could be an understandable one. But by letting that fear control her to this degree, she’s driving you away. You need to sit down with her and have a talk about this, but you need to do it gently. She’s probably operating from a very real fear that is making her take irrational actions, and if you dismiss it lightly she’s going to think that you aren’t supporting her.
>I may as well never leave the house again without my GF
That’s the key sentence for me. She’s using stories of her past trauma to control you.
NTA, please go to the Kate Bush event!