My sister left without her 17 year old daughter and left her with me and my father while she moved in with her new boyfriend in a 2 bdrm apt an hour away from my niece’s school.
Didn’t even consider making space for her but my niece doesn’t like living with her mom anyway because she constantly drinks when she’s not working and also dislikes the bf.
In the beginning she said she wanted to drop out of school to get a job, but I told her that in order to continue living with us she MUST graduate and get treatment for her emotional outbursts.
I took her to school every day, taking and staying with her in the hospital when she’s sick, making sure she eats, helping her navigate difficult friendships and relationships, teaching her how to make a resume, apply for jobs, get medical insurance, and all that comes with becoming an adult. (Her dad isn’t around.)
Recently shes wants to hang out with people associated with gangs, and I’m not okay with that.
So for about two weeks after I told her not to hang out with those people, she continued hanging with me every day laughing and acting normal, while also calling me names and talking badly about me to my in-laws when I was at work.
Word got back to me so I confronted her about it a few days later.
I explained I felt used and like I couldn’t trust her anymore, and that although I would still help with rides, meals, and household responsibilities, I needed emotional space.
She replied that she’ll stay away and she was upset about me not wanting her to hang out with gang-associated people and said I was taking it as “talking shit” when she was just hurt.
I told her she never communicated that to me directly and cowardly told everyone else instead.
She responded by falsely stating I never apologize or listen and said she’d rather not communicate at all then doubled down again calling me mentally ill.
At that point Im very offended and called her a "pussy” for avoiding direct communication and talking behind my back instead of having a mature conversation. (She wants to be street so I got street with her)
For context, I’ve dealt with her emotional outbursts for the last 2 years and usually choose to be the bigger person. I remind myself she struggles with emotional disorders and her parents being gone so I often try to teach her how to apologize, communicate, and control her anger even when I’m overwhelmed.
I reached out to my sis to ask where my niece was after she stopped sleeping in her apt after this argument.
It turned into my sister criticizing me for calling her a name instead of acknowledging what Im trying to protect her from.
Whenever there’s conflict, my sister acts like I’m not the one who has been raising her daughter as an adult and protecting her from making severe mistakes.
I know name calling wasn’t right, but after everything I’ve done for her…
Am I The Asshole?
NTA. You’re not the villain here, even if you didn’t handle that one moment perfectly.
You stepped into a parental role that was never supposed to be yours. You gave your niece stability, structure, rides, healthcare support, emotional guidance, and real-life skills when her own parents didn’t. That’s not “helping out,” that’s raising a child. You’ve been consistent, protective, and invested in her future in a way that goes far beyond what most aunts or uncles are expected to do.
You shouldn’t have called her a name. That part wasn’t productive, and you already recognize that. But one bad reaction after two years of emotional labor and being treated poorly does not erase everything you’ve done. Your sister focusing on that single moment while ignoring the years you’ve spent raising her daughter and trying to keep her safe is unfair and dismissive.
Nta bro
INFO: Can you elaborate on the gang-affiliation and how you know they are? Not an accusation, but it’d help clarify things.
YTA
I’m going with NAH. Poor girl clearly has severe issues from her mom. Assuming it is actually a gang they may make her feel wanted.
I understand how you are reaching the end of your tolerance given that she wasn’t your choice and you now have a teenager who has issues. But she is who she is. You are right, but being right isn’t going to necessarily make her trust or like you.
YTA! You crossed the asshole line when you called her the P word. That’s disrespectful and disgusting what you said. Her mom just walked out on her and she’s in a very bad place because of your sister’s decision. Apologize to her for calling her a P word.
NTA. yes, calling her the p word was wrong, but OP has done so much for her and she threw that all away by saying shit behind OP’s back.