Otays, so Friend (M19) and I (F20) have been friends for just about a month, met on a dating site and I made it clear I was looking for friendships before everything else.
Fast forward a bit, huge mishap where I messed up my life a bit, I’m back on track and doing well now, but I ended up falling into a dark place. I fell into old habits that weren’t good. I would never want that to be anyone else’s problem, as that’s my own battle to fight but I would rather be winning that battle when I have a partner so that I don’t accidentally let a partner take on that struggle with me, as it’s my own.
I pushed everyone away from me a bit to get space to breathe for a sec, mind you he was talking a lot about asking me out at this point. Terrible timing lol.
Last night he brought me a small gift for my birthday which I greatly appreciate but I never asked for or needed by any means. I thanked him and texted him I didn’t want him to wait for me. I didn’t know how long my journey was gonna take to be healed to a point I was ready to take on a partnership and that I didn’t want to drag him through the mud. My sense of humor is dark and so I said I didn’t want him being drug through the mud for a mentally unstable chick.
His response made me question our friendship; he is so sweet but this just felt like way too much way too fast. He’s made advances like it before but I kinda ignored them. Part of me feels like it’s codependency or whatever, but I’m not trying to diagnose. I digress, it just feels like a lot, and while I’m still kinda shellshocked from everything that’s happened in the past couple weeks.
TL:DR: friend I believe is lovebombing me, would I be the asshole for breaking it off now or should I let it play out and it will get better? Or that it is just him being sweet and I’m over exaggerating it in my own mind?
I struggled to upload an image so here is his message: Don’t ever say that I’m settling for somebody like you, (My name) I’ve only known you for like a month and I already feel like you’re one of my closest friends. I’ve never driven 30 minutes in the middle of the night for anybody else and it’s not just because I think you’re pretty. (My name) I don’t want you to be bothered or uncomfortable by me taking it so seriously so soon but I care for you more than you know and I would do anything just to keep you happy. That’s why I’ve been cooling it with the messages (I told him I suck at responding) even though I’ve wanted to talk to you so bad. (My name) I know you don’t think of yourself much but I think more of you than I think of myself. You are not just some mentally unstable chick, you are the cute girl who taught me how to make burgers, and is cracked at mortal combat, and is going to be a nurse, and rides a fucking custom motorcycle. (My name) even if I’ve know you for a month it feels like I’ve known a lot longer. You couldn’t drag me through the mud.
This doesn’t sound like lovebombing, it sounds like you’re not into him.
YWBTA if you don’t tell him that straight up because he clearly has feeling for you.
I don’t think you know what lovebombing is. You met a guy on a dating app and he obviously has a crush on you, and is making it clear he wants to get to know you romantically because *you met on a dating app* but he’s taking it slow because you asked. Lovebombing would be if he bought you a car or tattooed your name on his arm. He’s doing normal crush/pre-dating/get to know a girl behaviors. If you are never going to date him, be kind but cut contact. He wants what most people want when you *MEET ON A DATING APP* and if you are never going to want that, that’s fine, but you need to separate yourself if so. YTA strictly because this is such young, immature behavior that can be fixed with basic social skills tbh.
“Met on dating app” and “only looking for friendship” is the most ridiculous thing now a days. How pathetic
YWBTA. He is not love bombing you, he’s into you and being pretty sweet about it. If you’re not interested then say that and let him and you both move on.
This is not love bombing. At all. This is someone who’s fallen/ing for you and is very respectful and is trying to build you up.
You just aren’t into him. So yes, you would be a massive asshole if you said he’s lovebombing him, because you would just be blaming him for something he isn’t doing.
You met him on a dating site. He likes you. This isn’t lovebombing.
But if you’re not stable enough for dating, get off the site.
And just tell him straight out, you’re not able to date right now. If he cares about you, which it sounds like he does, he will back off and give you the space he needs.
YTA.
Stop stringing him along.
Delete the dating app.
Sort yourself out.
Think about other people and how you affect their lives.
One thing I’ve learned about rejection is that we try to soften the blow by making the “issue” about ourselves to try to save them from some of the hurt. That’s a mistake. If they’re blinded by puppy love, they see it as an obstacle to overcome, not a shutdown. That’s why he’s trying to counter your reasoning, because to his mind, they’re non-issues.
He’s not lovebombing you, based on what you’ve told us. He’s just being persistent and trying to find a way to make the relationship he thinks you’re headed toward together work.
“Not the right timing” unintentionally leads them on because they assume you’re waiting for better timing, so they should just wait it out. You’ve got to be more direct with shutting down the romance idea he has. An outright “we can be friends, and only friends, but can’t do that if I think you’re still going to keep trying to push for a romantic relationship” is about the softest version you could offer. Otherwise, just cut him loose completely with an “I’m sorry, but this isn’t what I want, and this isn’t working out.”
YWBTA if you call it lovebombing when talking to him, but Y W N B T A if you simply told him that you’re not into him, and you’d like him to stop.
I don’t think what he’s doing is lovebombing– that implies some sort of psychological manipulation through an influx of affections. I think he’s genuinely into you, and trying to win you over while being pretty honest about it. Of course, you have no obligation to feel the same, and you’re within your rights to kindly tell him to back off– or not so kindly, if you’ve told him before.
But I just don’t think lovebombing is the appropriate word for this, given the context you provided.
Edit: Side note, I think part of this is that, from what you’ve shared… you’ve not explicitly told him you’re not into him? You’re saying things like you don’t know how long it’ll take for you to be healed, and you don’t want to “drag him through the mud”. Without clear communication, that could potentially be taken by him to mean that you ARE into him, but you’re not sure if you’re ready for a relationship/deserving of him, so if that’s how he took it, of course he’s going to keep up with his affection and assurances.
YTA – you don’t know what lovebombing is and brought this situation 100% on yourself because you used a dating app to find friends. He also sounds super sweet and respectful.
I’m not seeing any indication of love bombing in this post so yeah, in this instance, ywbta. Not for saying you aren’t interested in a relationship with him (don’t add “right now” to it, because it gives hope where there clearly isn’t any), but for saying he’s love bombing. Either you don’t know what love bombing is, or have been love bombed in the past and are now hyper vigilant of kindness and gifts in any form from someone with romantic intentions.
You wouldn’t be the AH for saying its lovebombing because thisdoesn’tt sound like lovebombing. It would be an over reaction and just weird. YWBTAH if you don’t let him know you’re not interested.
Sounds like you gave him mixed signals (met on a dating app, starting as friends with potential for more) and he let you know he is still interested in sticking around until you feel better to see where this can go. Its okay to realize you’re not ready to date but but be clear and don’t let him think there is hope in the future.
Just tell him you’re no longer interested in a friendship with him, much less anything more ever. He needs to know where he stands with you.
You need therapy before anything else.
And stop using dating apps to find friends. You know damn well thats stupid.
Overall, you’re N T A for how you feel.
But YTA for using a dating app for looking for friendships. You brought this situation on yourself.