I honestly don’t know if I’m the villain here or just stuck in a horrible position.
So my close friend (we’ve known each other for years) is supposed to get married in a few months. Him and his fiancée have been together for a long time, families involved, wedding planning in full swing the whole thing.
A few weeks ago, I found out he cheated on her… with another friend of mine.
I didn’t find out randomly I was told directly, and it wasn’t some “maybe it happened” situation. It happened. More than once. And both of them basically expect me to keep my mouth shut.
Now here’s where I’m conflicted:
His fiancée is genuinely a good person. She’s kind, loyal, and fully committed to him. She’s planning a future with him. And I feel sick knowing she has no idea.
But at the same time, I didn’t cheat. I didn’t create this mess. If I say something, I blow up multiple friendships, possibly a wedding, and I’ll probably be labeled as the person who “ruined everything.” If I stay quiet, I feel like I’m indirectly helping him deceive her.
He told me it was a “mistake” and that he loves his fiancée and wants to move forward. The other friend is also pretending like nothing happened.
I feel guilty every time I see his fiancée. I feel fake. But I also feel like this isn’t technically my relationship to interfere in.
So AITA for staying quiet? Or would I be worse if I said something and destroyed everything?
I genuinely don’t know what the right move is.
# EDIT: Things escalated.
The other girl is now mad at me because she thinks I’m going to “snitch.” I told both of them I’m not comfortable carrying this anymore. At the end of the day, I don’t want to be complicit in lying to someone who’s about to marry him.
So I gave them an ultimatum: they have 48 hours to tell her themselves. If they don’t, I will.
I didn’t do this to be dramatic or self-righteous. I did it because I can’t keep pretending everything is fine while she’s planning a wedding. If they take accountability, that’s on them. If they don’t, I feel like I have to step in.
I know this will probably cost me the friendship. But I also know staying silent would make me feel worse long-term.
Yta. She needs to know.
Would you want to know if you were going to marry someone who is cheating on you? Divorce is much harder than a breakup. YTA if you stay silent.
YTA, and anyone who says otherwise is just waiting to cheat. Friends are supposed to look out for each other means you don’t let your friends go down the wrong way not support them.
Yes. The cheaters are bad people and you are an enabler. ESH except the poor fiancée who is bound to lose a hell of a lot more than you. Her finances, possibly her health, and if she has children with him quickly? Ugh. Now her ans her child’s life are forever affected. She cant get away from that. I personally would not want to be friends with any of these cheating people and would happily become the person who blew it all up to stop that from happening. Their opinions would be meaningless.
Also who’s loyalty are you trying to preserve here? Someone who can cheat on a fiancee (whom they should love most) cant be trusted to be a loyal friend back.
As someone who was cheated on for YEARS, I wish someone had a old me sooner. Divorce is awful. Let the poor woman avoid it, please.
I’m sorry, but yes YTA. Your friend is betraying his fiancée. You need to speak up and tell her.
I can’t believe there are people saying NTA…
You need to have a higher standard and integrity as a person. Lying by omission (which you’re doing) is still lying. Cheaters deserve to be exposed, you can’t be friends with her and lie to her.
YTA
>If I stay quiet, I feel like I’m indirectly helping him deceive her.
That’s because you would be.
I would want to know if I were in her shoes.
>He told me it was a “mistake”
Cheating on someone isn’t a “mistake,” it was a conscious decision. A “mistake” is “oops! I accidentally left my curling iron before I left the house and didn’t intend to almost light my house on fire”
Also it was apparently a “mistake” that happened more than once…
Exactly!
“Oops! Accidently had sex with her .. on *multiple occasions*.”
YTA-you need to speak to the fiancee. Don’t be biased or try to influence her, just tell her what you know. It’s ultimately her choice but it needs to be an INFORMED choice.
If you don’t say anything then yes YTA. I’d tell him he has 48 hours to tell her or you will. It’s going to blow the friendship up, but *he* blew it up the second he involved you in his infidelity.
A “mistake” that he made multiple times, is not a mistake it is an intentional act.
YTA if you stay quiet. The bride deserves to know the truth.
YTA – believe me, she would rather the cost of cancelling a wedding, both financially and emotionally, than the cost of divorce when she inevitably finds out or when he cheats on her next time.