Freak accident happened 8 days before we are supposed to fly to BC for my dream trip, 2.5 weeks on the powder highway (Fernie, Revelstoke and Kicking Horse). Hubs poked me in the eye putting his jacket on, was very worried/sorry immediately. That pivoted to blaming me for getting in his way because I had been 6 feet away when he started getting dressed but I walked toward him in the process of trying to leave the room during normal morning routine. Saw him putting his flannel on and paused to give space but somehow he stepped backward at the same time. Struck me with such force that it caused a posterior vitreous detachment which can lead to retinal tears. Retina has been ok, but typically they recommend no strenuous or high impact activity for 1-2 months. He is notorious for breaking things, has zero spatial awareness (frequently elbows me in the head/face or steps on me or leans on me and others), knocks things over and generally leaves a path of destruction.
We are advanced/expert snowboarders going with our crew from college who are all expert skiers and riders. This has been planned for 2 years. We spend most of our days in the trees, bumps and hike to terrain.
We are essentially a single-income household of middle-class income because he works very part-time. I enable it because I want to stay married to my best friend. We have discussed his low contributions and it is a sore spot. The only reason we can afford this trip is because I earmarked funds when we sold our house 2 years ago.
I unloaded on him because I am so distraught that he blamed me (twice) for getting in the way. I wasn’t yelling, I was just despondent because they said I am taking a risk with this trip and to "be careful". I melted down because it’s too late for refunds on some of the lodging and it’s safe to fly. I told him how upset I was because I don’t see how we will ever be able to afford another trip like this and I’m holding a grudge because of the blame shifting.
Had I caused this to myself I would still be a wreck, but AITA because I told him I was still so angry that he tried to blame me for "getting in his way" and that if he actually financially contributed we could go again another year, which would soften the situation? I told him I don’t ever see how (we’ve been together 30 years, so this is not a new pattern) he would ever contribute enough to afford the trip in the future. I see how I am now blaming him for the disappointment I feel, but after I have coordinated, prepared and done all the work for this trip I feel so f@#$&! over. I know this was an accident. I know there is extra baggage. We have sought extensive marriage counseling through the years and it will always be a work in progress (what marriage isn’t). I know my feelings did not feel good to hear, but they are my feelings. AITA for not just journaling?
NTA, but it seems like the issue here has nothing to do with the actual incident, but rather the entire man. I’m not saying you have to get rid of him, but I think a real conversation needs to happen.
YTA for continuing to carry this bum.
You’re enabling hubby’s behaviour by funding his lifestyle, next time go away with friends and if he wants a fancy trip he can work out a way to fund it himself
Nta, but somebody who frequently causes you bodily harm and then blames you for it does not sound like a great partner. Does he frequently elbow others in the head/face or steps on them? I would hope that somebody who is aware of this tendency and regrets it would find ways to avoid doing so. How can he do sports if he is so spatially unaware? Does he break his own things and hurt his friends or parents?
It just seems like an awful way to live to me, no matter how much you love someone I would not want to get hurt on a frequent basis. I do hope you’re not considering children or pets with him.
30 years and he can’t learn to watch his space? That’s basically on purpose at this point.
He’s a snowboarder. Don’t snowboarders need to have excellent control of their bodies? And yet he is always “accidentally” hurting you and claims it’s because you get in the way?
NTA. Are you in counseling? I think it would be a very good idea to figure out why you stay with a man who resents you and contrives “accidents” to hurt you.
NTA. Your best friend is a mooch.
This dude needs every medical workup under the sun to find out what’s going on. This level of clumsiness and lacking spacial awareness is NOT, I repeat, NOT normal!!
This is what happens when resentment builds in a relationship.
I have no clue about snowboarding but how does it make sense for someone to have zero spatial awareness and also be an expert snowboarder? Is spatial awareness not necessary in snowboarding?
Ophthalmology here. PVD overall isn’t day-to-day risky (usually) but new onset is. Many folks who are myopic have it for many years (like me) and it is also age-related (your vitreous can basically “congeal” with age and pull on the retina). A lot of it does depend on how long your eye is and any other conditions (diabetes, AMD). Flying is iffy—something you would need to weigh with your doctor, but in no way would I do something that is a nearly certain fall risk until your are six months past the eye smash from your husband.
Oh and NTA. He’s a jerk. None of this was your fault. You cannot enjoy this trip and he needs a real job.
It’s only a “dream vacation” because he doesn’t contribute…. If he contributed this would be an attainable vacation that could be rebooked.
OP you’re making a lot of excuses to enable this guy. I was in a very similar situation to you except I refused to marry him until he got his act together….. if you don’t put any boundaries in place he’s going to continue to walk all over you and take advantage. And make no mistake this whole “I have trauma and adhd” is STILL taking advantage of you if he refuses to fix it.
You don’t have a spouse. You are paying for companionship and getting the raw end of the deal. Cut him off financially and see how quickly he turns from best friend to bad tempered bum.
I’m having trouble squaring his utter lack of spatial awareness with his advanced snowboarding skills?? How are these 2 things not contradictory? And even if I’m wrong and they can be squared, no one walks into an eye poke deliberately, just like no one intend to injure their spouse deliberately?? Right? If I accidentally hurt someone my first thought is to apologise. Why is he try to assign blame? Does he frequently hit anyone else because of his zero spatial awareness? Has he Injured himself severely? Or are you uniquely unlucky just because you spend so much time in his company?