I have a friend group from college, there are about seven girls in the group. This is about Asha, Asha dropped out her senior year of college and has been a waitress since. Everyone else went on and gradated and now works pretty standard 9-5 jobs.
Due to Asha having a waitress job she is off when literally when everyone is at work. She works most night shifts especially Friday’s and the weekends ( that’s when she makes the most money)
It has gotten even harder since some of us are now married with kids ( so babysitting costs). Due to this she basically can never makes it to hangouts.
Example dinner at 7pm when everyone else is off she is working. She invited us to get brunch on Tuesday ( everyone is working). Sunday’s brunch, can’t come because she is working.
It has resulted in her feeling left out.
I invited everyone to celebrate my engagement it is scheduled for next Friday around dinner. Asha texted asking if we could move it to Wednesday around 4, and multiple people told her they will still be at work or kids. She asked about Tuesday around 7, multiple people told her they won’t be able to get their normal babysitter at that time or they need to spend time with their kids becuase it is a weeknight
She called me after and asked if I could move it to her schedule. Her schedule is when we are working and I told her that her schedule just doesn’t work for everyone else.
I told her I won’t move it. This started an argument, she claims I am pushing her out of the group and look down at her for her job ( I don’t). That I could change it and everyone would figure it out to be at my dinner ( that is true, I am sure they would take off work for this if I asked m) I just reiterated that her schedule is just he opposite of everyone else and refused to change it
She has left the chat, I haven’t told anyone why and I wonder if I was being a jerk for not moving it…
edit: since people asked about the husband watching the kids. One is a single parent, another has a custody agreement with dad ( she has the kid on the weekdays) and the last one is married bit it workojg a lot of overtime and said no in the chat
more detail in comment
yes we have moved events before, it usually results in other people missing
NTA….I get her point, I work in healthcare so I miss stuff. But I don’t get to dictate that everyone else keep my schedule. Try setting up things a month or more out so hopefully she can arrange her schedule so she can attend
This is my thought. Schedule some events well in advance so she can plan to have a night off. If everything is planned with only days of notice and others aren’t also able to be flexible, that would be frustrating. If that’s not an option maybe friend is right and she just needs to find other friends with more similar schedules.
It sounds like the friend doesn’t want to give up the waitressing/tip hours. She just wants everyone else to cater to her schedule!
Is it that she doesn’t *want* to give up the hours or literally can’t afford to?
NTA in general but i kinda don’t blame her for leaving the group chat if she’s realizing that her work schedule’s conflict with the entire rest of the group means she gets left out of everything. It sounds like she is making an effort to plan things when y’all don’t work (like a weekday evening) and that still isn’t doable for y’all, so she should put more effort into making friends with people who can spend time with her.
This is sadly the reality of having a nonstandard schedules. It means you can’t really met up with people with standards schedules easily.
Also how adult relationships change.
I worked the night shift for a while. That resulted in most hangout i was invited to would be when I need to sleep.
Yes it sucked but that is the reality of it and resulting in me hanging out with my coworkers more
When I got a standard schedule it was hard to hang out with my old coworker but much easier to met up with my other friends
I feel like this is one of those situations where no one is really an asshole, it’s just adulthood being brutal. OP is being practical, but from Asha’s side it probably feels like she’s constantly reminded that her life doesn’t fit with everyone else’s anymore. Even if no one looks down on her job, the end result is still her being excluded most of the time, and that hurts.
I mean it’s very self centered to want OP to move the outing they are doing as a celebration of OPs engagement. The regular outings that don’t have a specific purpose? Different story.
NAH. Though I feel bad for her because she *is* isolated from the group (not your fault, but this is the reality) and having wildly different schedules that are not flexible is a hard thing to work around. When this happens someone needs to make an extra effort to stay in touch, otherwise people will drift apart naturally. So if she is a friend you don’t want to lose, maybe try to figure out how to do stuff that fits everyone’s schedules (not necessarily for this engagement celebration, I mean in general going forward)
I have kids and was with you until this:
> She asked about Tuesday around 7, multiple people told her they won’t be able to get their normal babysitter at that time or they need to spend time with their kids becuase it is a weeknight
Dont these people have husbands? It really sounds like the group just dont care about her and wont do anything to meet her. One weeknight here and there is 100% doable for a parent. Maybe an issue for a couple, but one parent at home is enough.
I would meet a friend who cant other times a week night here and there. By that I mean one a week is still fine. She is not asking impossible, she is asking for a compromise.
Yes, really seems one night as a compromise. It doesn’t feel like the group really cares if she can attend or not. I was getting ‘she’s just a waitress’ vibes the way OP wrote it out.
>really seems one night as a compromise.
I would expect the waitress to take one night off to go to her friends engagement party. Its just one night, right?
INFO:
I understand why you’re not rescheduling this particular dinner, but do you *ever* schedule things in a way where she can come? Or is the expectation always on her to fit around your schedules?
Idk, if it works for 6 people and only doesn’t work for 1, I’d say the only occasions they really need to force the majority to accommodate the minority is events specifically for her. Yeah it sucks that she would need to adjust her schedule or take time off more than anyone else, but she’s a waitress she knows her schedule is not the default.
I think it’s significantly ruder of the friend to think 6 people should take time off work, pay for childcare, or move around their schedules to accommodate her individual needs — for an event she isn’t even the focus of