So me (26M) and my sister (24M) are having some problems. The backstory is our mum died in November 2024 and with her gone, our entire dynamic has changed.
I lived with my mum and over the past few years have become more and more isolated and barely leave the house. When she died, I obviously ended up living alone and what became of that is I appear to have developed some form of agoraphobia.
In essence, I can no longer travel. Something about knowing there is no-one at home to watch out for my stuff (and my mum’s stuff) terrifies me. I tried to visit my sister about 6 months ago and had a massive panic attack on the train and had to get off. It was one of the worst experiences of my life because my mind was spiraling. No matter whether I carried on to where my sister lives or went back home, the end result felt incredibly bleak.
Anyway, yesterday she was talking about coming up and seeing me for mother’s day and suggested again that it could be nice if I would come down instead. I told her it is just too stressful and that for this year I am focusing on the root of my problems, not on traveling since it is a byproduct of other more substantial issues.
She got upset and said that the traveling and such was stressful for her as well and I only think about myself. I said that isn’t true, I know how stressful it is for her and that’s why I’d understand if we just don’t see each other for a while.
How I see it, it just isn’t feasible for us to see each other right now without major stress for one or the other of us. So I suggested we just hold off on seeing one another until I can solve my other issues and can then work on the agoraphobia because once I can travel, we have twice as many options. But she wants to see me sooner than that – which I get, it is understandable, but it isn’t possible without one of us suffering for it so why do it?
Maybe I am at fault I don’t know. i have Asperger’s so it’s hardly uncommon for me to be rectifying some social norm that I messed up.
But I just think it is cruddy of her to effectively say ‘I am willing to stress myself out to see you, so you have to be willing as well’. Especially when she is the one pushing for us to see each other as soon as possible. Everyone has their own boundaries and limits and not being able to travel is currently one of mine. I don’t like it, I’m not happy about it, but it is the position I am in and I have bigger issues to resolve before this.
I am willing and do actively do many things that don’t mean anything to me because my sister has said they are important to her. But this is just too much right now. I have offered compromises to no avail.
I love her deeply and she is incredibly important to me, but I am simply not willing to throw away my mental stability by doing something that caused me such insane emotions last time.
Am I the asshole for drawing a line with not pushing myself into traveling right now and focusing on other mental health concerns first?