My fiancé and I recently moved to his home state, where his family lives. My mom moved to the same state a year prior, and lives several hours away from where we are. My fiancé’s mother got remarried a few years ago, and my mom has met his mother before and knows fiancé’s sister pretty well, but has not met her new husband or his 2 kids/their partners.
For Christmas last year, fiancé’s family had their typical holiday party, where we exchange gifts, share a meal, and hang out for a bit. It’s very casual and low-key. When fiancé and I lived in another state, we participated over FaceTime. This was the first time we’ve been able to go in person, since we now all live close by. The issue was that my mom was driving several hours to visit fiancé and I for Christmas, and the family holiday party fell during her visit. I didn’t think that would be a problem, she could either stay at our home and have a few hours to herself, or could join us for the party. My fiancé’s family was very excited to welcome her, and had even gotten her a gift so she wouldn’t be left out during the gift exchange. We figured it would be 2-3 hours during her 5-day stay, no big deal, and we’d take her to a nearby museum after to see a special exhibit on an artist we all like.
We thought everything went well, and it seemed like my mom had a good time. She was smiling, laughing, talking to people. We went to the museum after and the exhibit was very cool. But when we got home, mom and I got into a big fight – she complained that she had come to visit fiancé and I, had not wanted to spend time with fiancé’s family, and that the party had impeded on “her time” with us. She even insulted the gifts they’d gotten her. I was pretty shocked, honestly – she did not raise me to be ungrateful, and they had been so kind and welcoming to her. We were there for only 2.5 hours and left early!
I was surprised that she was so upset and reminded her that she could have stayed at our place while we went, instead, but we wouldn’t have gotten to go to the museum since the party and museum were in the same area, about an hour away from us. She said we shouldn’t have gone, because this was “her time” with us, which I thought was a bit ridiculous – why would we skip out and not see my fiancé’s family at all for Christmas, even though we live so close now? My mom is pretty introverted, which is fine, we are too, but she is here for 5 days and we had very few outings – none of the other things we did were social, and she had us all to herself on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, we literally just watched movies at home and ordered takeout. I was really struggling to understand why she was being so rude and hostile, and was especially surprised because she’d been so pleasant to them at the party. It felt mean-spirited and two-faced, and left a sour note for the rest of her visit. I will not be inviting her to a family get-together again, but is she right? AITA for going and asking her to come with us?
Edited to add: we do see my mom regularly, about once a month, and I thought it would be a nice way for her to meet the new family members before our wedding.
Second edit, since multiple people have asked: Yes, my mom did know about the holiday party as soon as it was scheduled, in November. I confirmed that we’d be attending several weeks before her visit, and let her know that she could either come with us or didn’t have to, up to her.
Final edit, sorry! I’ll continue to read everything: Thank you all for your comments! I’m getting great insight from reading through these, and there is definitely something deeper. We see both her and my fiancé’s family about once a month, but usually spend longer with them since his family is a larger group we do activities together, like games or outings. I think she is jealous, and I would love for her to attend more of those family get-togethers (my fiancé’s family always makes it clear that she’s welcome and invited), but now I feel uncomfortable with her around them given how she spoke about them after this. I think she is also upset that my world is expanding and hers is shrinking, as she’s become more antisocial with age. I wish she could be happy for me, I’m so lucky to have in-laws who love me and who I enjoy spending time with. I don’t want her to feel pushed out of our lives, but it’s somewhat self-imposed as it’s becoming harder and harder to include her in things when she never wants to go anywhere or do anything with others.
>the family holiday party fell during her visit.
INFO: Did you ask your mom to attend the party ahead of her coming in town? Did she agree beforehand to attend?
NTA. Your mom is being really rude. It seems like in reality she wanted her entire 5-day visit to be dedicated to time with you and – only after the fact – was actually mad at a very small portion of time ‘sharing’ you with others. Her behavior is abysmal. It sounds like your inlaws were very welcoming and gracious, and it should not have been hard for her to be as well. As you said, it was only a few hours over a multi-day visit. It’s also really unfair for her to expect to claim ALL your time over a holiday period. You have other obligations.
NTA
I don’t even know why it’s a question?
Are you the only child, only girl, or first child to get married? This reeks of her being afraid to lose you cuz “her little girl is growing up”. Doing something for a few hours during a 5 day stay is fine. She had the option to stay home. Sounds like fiance’s family was lovely. I think this is about more than the party. NTA
Yes, I am an only child! This is such a good read. She was also very defensive about his family being involved in the wedding at all, we had originally talked about his stepfather being the MC and she got really upset.
NTA but honestly, just give her some grace. She’s right to feel how ever she feels, I don’t think the solution is to never invite her, the solution is to just have a convo about how she envisions holidays and such as you and fiance continue growing. This feels more like sour grapes/realizing yep, kiddo isn’t a kid anymore.
Thank you for this, I do love my mom but was so surprised by her hurtful comments. The only reason I am not going to invite her anymore is because of how rude she was about my fiancé’s family behind their backs, and I don’t feel like it’s fair to them.
NTA; but wtf is wrong with your mother?!?
The assumption is that your mom was aware of this party, and it wasn’t something that was sprung on her at the last minute. Assuming she knew about it before hand, I cannot fathom why she’d get as bent out of shape as she apparently did.
NTA
NTA. Just wondering …. Did you invite her to visit for Christmas or did she just say she was coming w/o asking your plans?
INFO
Did you give your mom head’s up beforehand so she could pack appropriate clothes, buy an exchange gift, and/or voice any concerns to you that she may have had?
If you did all the requisite prep, then NTA
This behaviour is so ‘abnormal’ that I would have a real honest conversation with her, stating exactly the facts
\- Mom I told you about this party ahead of time, you never mentioned any issue. We had a lovely time, a short party with in-laws and a wonderful (3 days or whatever) afterwards.
\- I find your anger and disappointment really alarming, and I need to know what is at the heart of it becuase I just can’t understand your point of view.
She absolutely needs to explain herself because this was miserable, selfish behavior.
NTA.
If your mom didn’t want to spend time with her future SIL’s family why did she show up? If she didn’t want to go (as you said) she could’ve stayed at her house. Also, it seemed like everything was fine until she left the function
NTA
Wow. Definition of “two-faced”.
There’s likely something deeper here. She didn’t go that far out do character over a 2.5 hour (out of 5 days) event.
She’s angry/resentful about something.
That said, she handled it the worst way.