It’s a very long story which I’m happy to elaborate in comments if people want, but I’ll just shorten it here.
I (32M) used to be friend with Peter (33M) and were part of this close gay friendship group for 1 and a half year. Anyways, about 1 year ago, after I expressed my distaste to him cheating on his boyfriend **twice** and rejecting his advances that he started to bitch about me to the rest of the people in the friendship group. He would spread lies saying I’m a liar, I pretend to be innocent and he would plant seed in my head that I have a poor memory.
It got to the point where I felt so broken near the end of the friendship. Eventually, Peter got angry at something I’ve done (or he thinks I’ve done) and started lashing out at me. I was so broken by then that I was gaslighted into thinking I was the problem and he managed to convince me into believing that I did do those actions but I just forgot about it **"due to my poor memory**". I apologized profusely but he cut me out in the end along with the others.
It took me a while to recover but thanks to people reaching out and support from my bf, that I was able to get out of the funk and realised that I was gaslighted by Peter for a whole year.
This morning, Peter messaged me saying how he misses me and that he has forgiven me and want me to rejoin the friendship circle.
I, of course, want to tell him off and blast him with profanity and tell him what a trash he is. My boyfriend, however, said I shouldn’t do that and it would look very bad on me and that I should just give him a nice response and not hang out with Peter.
Your bf is right. Kill him with sweetness and be a lady/gentleman.
A nice reply saying a subtle “no thanks 🙂 ” and being the bigger person.
I agree with your boyfriend, do it in a nice way and then just forget he exists. You do not need people like that in your life and basically only because you called him out for cheating on his boyfriend, twice? Fuck that shitshow.
To clarify, he cheated on his first boyfriend (let’s call him Dan). Peter broke up with him, but managed to convince Dan that Dan was in the wrong. Dan begged Peter to stay and apologised to Peter, but Peter decided to date the guy he cheated with (Let’s call him Jojo).
A few months later, he then cheated on Jojo with another guy, and again, gaslighted Jojo into thinking that he was wrong. Both Jojo and Dan are still part of the friendship group with him.
NTA but I wouldn’t blast him with profanities either. I would reply stating you’re not too sure what he’s forgiven you for, but that unfortunately you haven’t forgiven him yet for everything he’s done to you, and you don’t miss him at all. He wants to gas light you into being grateful he’s “reached out” so i think a bit passive aggressive back and take no recollection of anything he claimed you had done in the past. In fact you could just act like you believe the entire ending of the “friendship” was as a result of you telling him he was a AH a year ago and YOU fell out with HIM, so why he’s coming back into your life without an apology is beyond you. (You won’t get an apology, but you don’t want him back in your life even if he did).
NTA tell him how he made you feel, tell him that you can’t associate with that sort of negativity again
“I am over and done being your emotional punchbag and taking the blame for your narrative of events that never happened. You dont miss me, you miss a convenient target for your vitriol. Your brand of friendship is not what I need in my life, don’t contact me again.”
There, words without profanity without coming across as a dog waiting to be called and wag the tail at his command. NTA.
NTA although profanities might be slightly distasteful, you absolutely do not have to be nice. From your comments it seems like Peter has a habit of gaslighting and manipulation, and someone ought to let him know that he can’t just come and go as he pleases, and should take accountability for his actions.
NTA. I wouldn’t give a *nice* response. I’d just be honest and say that you’ve realised you’re much happier without him and his friend group in your life. I would go even further and say *well, I don’t miss you*, but that probably crosses the line into being inflammatory.
Like my parent used to say “Kill ’em with kindness.” “I appreciate the message, but I don’t need any toxicity in my life.” Block him and move on.
Hey, he is now someone you used to know. Let him fade from your mind just like that.
Letting this live rent free in your head is distracting you from what’s important. Don’t feed any more energy into it, it only makes the memories and thoughts more vivid.
Do this exercise instead. Take a deep breath, and relax your shoulders as you let it go. Now reflect on all the friends you had when you were younger. Could be class mates, neighbors, extended family. Bring them forward in your mind and remember the fun thing you used to do.
Now go share some of those memories with your partner. Watch how they reflect your happiness back to you.
“I understand what you are saying. For personal reasons I will not be joining your friend group. I wish all a future of happiness”. And then you never respond to any other message.
Why this wording?
It tells him you’ve heard him and if he wants to read behind it he will wonder if you do or do not know he gaslit you and that he wants you back to control again. By saying personal reasons he is being unreasonable and disrespectful to ask for any further depth in why you won’t go back. Using the words “your friendgroup” means that if any of them see the light and come to you with genuine remorse you week accept then into your friend group, that you do not feel ostracised but independent and free. You are wishing all a future of happiness, not him, everyone. You’re not grading the happiness or how long its going to last. You are being pleasant and taking the higher ground. 😁
Transaltion:
“I have read your message, I can see that you hate that i have grown and succeeded without you after trying to destroy me and you want ro control me again, I have no wish to breathe in the same air as you or anyone who continues to believe your bullshit however I have zero need or reason to explain this to you. Here is my answer and its shutting down any attempt to strike up a conversation, however I have been kind and you cannot criticise this to anyone. You have nothing to latch onto to control me again BUT I have been polite and measured and it will drive you mad. If you attempt to contact me again I will not reply in any way shape or form.. consider yourself a stranger to me”
Oh, and if you go back with rudeness and high emotion, he will have controlled you again. He either wants you back in the group to manipulate or he wants evidence to show others of how “unhinged” you are