My (25M) gf (25F) got some pants for her birthday from her mom. Her mom got her the wrong size and color by accident, so she was going to exchange them. They happened to be my size and the exact color I’ve been wanting to get so I offered to just pay for them instead, which my gf was cool with originally. But I didn’t have the money so I said nevermind. A few days later, I realized I had more money than I thought and she never returned them so I asked again through text if it was cool if I hem them, she didn’t reply , but I figured with it being green lit the other day it’d be fine. Anyway she’s pissed off at me. She says “they were for ME, FOR ME NOT YOU”
“I don’t need you to buy me new pants”
“Ok cool just enjoy your new pants I guess”
And is making me feel like I stole her birthday present and I’m a selfish asshole. I offered to pay for these, I offered to pay for whatever pants she was going to get, I offered to just give her my card and let her go pick out whichever she was going to exchange for and I’d pay the difference. In reply she says “how can I not understand” and “it’s different” than if she exchanged them herself with no further explanation and now she told me not to talk to her.
AITA for not waiting for a reply?
I genuinely am at a loss for why she’s so mad about it, and feel offended over how big of
a deal she’s making out of it. I also don’t want to be oblivious and selfish. Would you be upset if your partner did this?
For context we live together, been together 7 years, and she steals my clothes all the time lol
I dont understand why she is so mad. Can you try to have a conversation again once she is cooled off? Because she originally said it was fine, right? Did she offer them to someone else? Was going to trade them?
I’d just say, hey, I still dont understand why you’re so upset and it matters to me so I don’t upset you again, can you help me understand what I did wrong? Why these pants mattered so much?
Anyone in a healthy relationship should be able to ask these questions and get a satisfactory answer.
Good advice thanks, I am going to do that
I’m rather confused – your gf no longer has to return an item and she’s upset? She was fine originally selling the pants to you and then no longer? She won’t discuss why this bothers her?
I feel like we’re missing something here.
I also feel like I’m missing something lol. I tried posting the screenshots of the exchange but it didn’t let me
Nta and people are weird sometimes and as a whole we suck.
I was super close to saying NAH but gonna land on a slight YTA, sounds like it’s not really about the pants and is more about her feeling like you overstepped and took away her gift without her permission.
Reads like you had talked about it, said never mind, then changed your mind and did your thing without getting on the same page again. Might be okay in some situations, but with 20/20 hindsight it’s clear that that wasn’t enough in this case. Did you hem them before she confirmed that it was okay? Sounds like there was a communication breakdown that led to her feeling like you took a bday gift away from her.
And if you’re only suggesting solutions about pants instead of actually understanding why she’s upset, I can see how she’d feel unheard and misunderstood. That being said you BOTH need to learn to listen and communicate better, but a lot of this breakdown seems like it’s coming from your end.
I also want to speak to the question you asked (would you be upset if your partner did this?). Really not the right question for you to be asking bro.
Some people will say yes, some will say no. For me it’s a no, but you’re not dating me (I’m flattered but I’m spoken for buddy). The person you’re in love with has made it super clear that she is upset that you did this, and you have the opportunity to hear and receive that.
Instead, you’re explaining why it’s no big deal and why she’s wrong to be upset, and proposing solutions, which is making her feel like you don’t care that you hurt her, and it’s not helping either of you.
Sometimes in conflict you have to pick between being right and resolving a conflict after receiving feedback on how your actions harmed her. You don’t really get to have both. Which is more important to you today, in this conflict? You might think you’re doing both, but it sounds like you’re too focused on not being wrong to show up for your partner about this.
If I were you (and I’ve been you before and I probably will again), I’d get her flowers, an actual apology, and a promise/plan for a pants shopping mall date. It’s a solution that also centers her feelings, because it stopped being about the pants the minute you got defensive.
Yeah I felt like this which is why I posted. Pretty much what happened, we talked about it 2 days ago then changed my mind and thought if anything I was just doing a chore for her since she was going to return them anyway. She was still, as of today, planning on returning them, just putting it off.
My problem is when I ask why she’s upset she just tells me to not talk to her. But honestly, I still can’t really understand why someone would be upset over this. She hates the pants lol, but nonetheless I still am gonna apologize for not waiting for her response and assuming.
I totally understand your perspective, and frustration, but you should stop trying so hard to understand why she’s upset. You don’t need to understand why to hear her and validate her.
You seeking understanding is making her feel like you don’t respect her feelings unless she does the labor of making you “get” it. I appreciate your curiosity and intentions, and the fact that you don’t see her response as rational. But because of that, there’s a lowkey defensiveness that’s coming across to me and I’m sure to her too. Gotta change your mindset to get this resolved, you know?
NTA
Order those pants for yourself from the store and return the gf.
ESH, by the way, are those unisex pants? Do you usually wear female pants if they are not? Maybe she does not want to see you in them.
Yeah they are, but wearing girl pants is cool anyway open your mind