Hello everyone, I am feeling very confused and little hurt so posting here for outside opinion. I am father of 19 year old daughter. She is studying in University of Waterloo, now in her second semester. She got good scholarship and some grants which is covering most of her tuition fees, but not covering housing and visa expenses. For this, I took help from one agent friend of mine who is already in Canada and helping Indian students to settle.
Through him, my daughter got place to stay with 7 other people, all from India and from our community. They are working people mostly and few students also. I have spoken to them on WhatsApp many times and they seem decent people. The stay is almost free, only condition is my daughter help little bit in mornings and nights with kitchen prep work for their small restaurant. I thought this is good arrangement because rent in Canada is very high and she is safe with our own people.
Now suddenly my daughter is saying she want to move out and stay with one friend she made in university. That girl told her she can use spare bedroom in her house. My daughter is saying current place is uncomfortable because most people there are men, and they are not from same university, and lifestyle is more working people than students. I feel she is making excuses.
I am not feeling comfortable with her staying with strangers, especially not from Indian community. At least now she is with our people, I can trust little bit. Also, I already made deal with that agent friend who helped with visa and accommodation. If we break this arrangement, he can get into trouble and also my relation with him will spoil. He did lot of help for us.
Another thing is, I don’t like this idea of staying for free in someone’s house like charity. I taught my daughter to be independent and not take favours. Also the friend is white girl, and there are cultural differences, I don’t know her family or background. In foreign country, anything can happen.
I refused and told her she should continue staying where she is. Now she is very angry with me and not talking properly. She is saying I am controlling and not understanding her feelings. But I am only thinking for her safety and future. Breaking ties with the agent might make it harder as he will not help her after studies with jobs and settlement.
So AITA for not allowing my daughter to move out and stay with her new friend?
YTA. She’s telling you she’s uncomfortable in a house full of men. Why aren’t you hearing this?
Respectfully, and gently, the situation you have put your daughter in is technically human trafficking. She is being forced to live in a house with 7 strangers, most of whom are adult working men, while she provides free labor. That is illegal and it is raising huge alarm bells for me. Her friend is offering her a lifeline. I hope she takes it. You are wrong about this, and gently, YTA. You have put her in a situation that could be very unsafe. She is much better off living in a house with other college-aged women than with a bunch of adult working men.
I agree, but I’ll take out the gentle part. This sounds downright unsafe, potentially illegal, and he needs to get his priorities right.
YTA. Canada is generally safe. Not only are you not thinking of your daughter by letting her stay in a house with unknown men, you are racist.
YTA, staying with that many people and a bunch of men who are strangers sounds like an awful set up for a 19yo woman. It doesn’t matter that they are from your community. You absolutely sound controlling and frankly racist since you’re judging her white friend based on absolutely nothing.
This all sounds like classic sexist racist patriarchal male BS.
YTA. She’s 19, she can decide for herself. Maybe it will be a mistake, maybe not. That’s something for her to discover, however. If it turns out bad, then that’s an important lesson learnt, and if it doesn’t, it’ll be silly not to take the opportunity. Whatever the outcome is, it won’t be discovered if you’re preventing her from deciding on it.
YTA she’s an adult, I’m genuinely surprised she even told you. Let her make her own decisions and be the safety she can fall back on if she gets into some shit
YTA – you’re so worried about your agent that you are ignoring your own daughter saying she feels uncomfortable. What kind of pathetic excuse of a father are you?
YTA.
Canadian here.
Listen to your daughter. Support her. There is probably more than she is telling you, but she is doing that to protect your feelings. There might be something one of the guys did and she doesn’t want to talk about it. Don’t push too much to try to find out, but maybe you can signal to her she can feel safe to talk about it.
It seems like all your arguments are about your fears (how it is being away from the Indian community) and relational needs (with your agent friend). Trust your daughter’s judgment and needs (she is a woman and you don’t have a full, embodied understanding what that entails, especially in Canada) over your own priorities. She will appreciate it down the line.
Why did you send her to Canada if you not comfortable with her making non-Indian friends?
Meal prep in the morning and nights sounds like a half time job or more. She didn’t travel to go to university to work in a kitchen. Her grades might be affected.
Trust her instincts if she doesn’t feel safe at the place you’ve set up for her.
YTA
She’s 19 and a legal adult. You don’t get to “allow” anything here.
You can speak with her like an ADULT and express your concerns, and otherwise trust that you have raised her to be intelligent and able to make rational decisions
When your daughter says she feels uncomfortable with living arrangements that include mostly men…LISTEN TO HER!! Even one of those men could have been inappropriate with her and if she doesn’t feel safe….LISTEN! Protect your daughter, not your pocketbook.
YTA. Do some research on these multi-living arrangements for foreign students with extra “duties” involved, especially young women.
YTA. If my daughter told me she was uncomfortable staying in a house full of men and wants to move out and live with her female friend then I’d be way more concerned about her wellbeing than you are. If she told you the men are making her uncomfortable there’s probably a whole lot of horrible shit she’s keeping from you to protect you regarding their behavior. Also, just because someone is the same ethnicity as you and her doesn’t mean they aren’t creepy and rapey.