This past Saturday was my gran’s 90th birthday. It was a full family event and ended up being about a 12+ hour day of prep, catering, setup and serving.
I’m also currently pet sitting for my godmother, looking after two dogs and a cat. They roam freely in the house and have a fenced garden. I had arranged for someone I trust to check on them during the party so I wouldn’t need to worry.
My aunt always runs these things and spent most of the day speaking to me in a very condescending way, even calling me “useless” multiple times while we were prepping.
While helping all day, I had one beer and only drank about half of it over two hours. My mom immediately warned me not to drink too much. Later, once I was finally done helping and had already missed the speeches and most of the food, I had three glasses of wine over four hours.
Mom pulled me aside and told me I had to come home with her. I was planning to leave with my brother and his fiancée since they were packing up and we would be leaving soon anyway. She said she was worried about the dogs. I explained they’d been checked on and were fine, and that we’d be leaving shortly. She then went on about my godmother being her friend and I better not mess things up for her. I replied that she is also my godmother, so I obviously wouldn’t do anything to ruin that relationship either.
Afterwards she called someone to have a conversation. After that person left, she turned to me saying, "You’re so drunk. You’re slurring your words. You’re an embarrassment to me."
I was not drunk. It was three glasses of wine over four hours. I do not slur my words when I drink, I do have a slightly lazy eye. If I had truly been slurring and embarrassing, I don’t understand why she call someone over in the first place.
At that point I was completely done. I had been criticised all day, from being called useless, to my food I’d spent hours on being nitpicked, to now apparently being drunk and humiliating her. I went to sit on the lawn outside and ordered an Uber because I did not want to get into a car with her.
While I was outside, I saw her walk over to my brother, his fiancée and my dad. Even from a distance I could hear her telling them I was drunk and embarrassing. My SIL defended me and joked that she would probably be slurring in her wedding dress soon. My brother also tried to defend me saying I wasn’t.
That was my breaking point. I could feel I was about to burst into tears and went inside to not make a scene, I ended up crying anyway. My brother followed me and sat with me while my SIL grabbed my things so I could leave without having to interact with anyone.
This kind of criticism has been constant for years, I can’t remember the last time I left a family gathering without crying or feeling terrible about myself.
Was I the asshole for drinking at my gran’s party and embarrassing my mom?
What age are you? Has there been past parties where maybe you were drunk or went thru a phase that she doesn’t think you’ve grown out of?
I am 25F.
I have never been drunk during a family event that has led to any conflict or issue. however in our family there have been a few occasions of others drinking too much and having breakdowns, most were valid, some were not.
Also maybe for some more context: The drinking age in my country is 18, so I have had a decent amount of time to figure out my limits.
I do go out drinking with my friends, but I try very hard not to let me parents or family see me when I am drinking.
NTA for getting upset at being criticised, NTA for having a little cry and it sounds like your Brother and SIL are on your side.
As for your drinking – who can tell, some people are having normal conversations after a bottle of wine, some are doing the can-can and telling dirty jokes after 2 glasses, on the presumption that you genuinely weren’t drunk then – NTA.
Thank you so much for the feedback, I genuinely appreciate it!
At 33 I cut contact with my mother for this type of behaviour. She died a few weeks ago and I felt nothing for her. Your mother wasn’t embarrassed, she was trying yo embarrass you and it worked. My advice is to stop trying. She won’t change and she won’t ever appreciate you. Invest in therapy if you can.
NTA
Thank you for your feedback!
It has honestly been going through my mind that maybe I do need to look at this relationship and if it is worth it for me.
I have been in therapy for over 10 years and recently had to pause due to a change in jobs and reworking my schedule, but think I will make it a priority to go back.
You may need to see a specialist to work on issues with your mother. It’s crap to be the one singled out but this was done on purpose to draw attention to you and embarrass you.
NTA, I feel for you really, it sucks to be the target in the family. I really respect your brother and SIL, and how nice of her to get your things for you. Don’t sit on this at all. Most family gatherings turns into a shitshow, mine did anyway 🤣 only found some peace when Covid wiped all of them out a few years ago. Take care
Haha, it definitely does suck being being the target and having most family gatherings turning out this way, luckily don’t think my gran was aware so she still had a great day. I will take your advice and not sit on it. Thank you so much!
Did you actually embarrass your mom or did she manipulate you to think that you embarrassed your mom?
So you are going to family events to work like a, slave and be insulted? It’s time to say no. Only spend time with family that actually like you and stop doing all the work. NTA