To start off this post, I must give the important context that we do not yet live together officially, I have my own dorm room with my own kitchen and tiny bathroom. However, most of the time, I sleep over at his place. Some weeks I don’t even go to my own place, because it’s just so small, and I have limited visitation, so he can’t come to sleep over.
For the most part, we handle our trial cohabitation really well. We have been together for a year and a half and we get along really well. There’s just one huge problem: he insists on getting his friends to sleep over constantly, without warning, and without ever asking me how I feel about it. Just this last weekend, THREE of his friends slept in the living room, for 3 WHOLE NIGHTS. I was warned about this less than 24 hours before the first dude arrived, and he never asked if I was okay with this. He says that he doesn’t have to, cause “it’s his house, if I don’t like it I can just go to my place”. And while that is true, we are planning on me moving in in the next few months, after this semester ends and my lease is up.
This is supposed to be a trial period, to feel out our compatibility as far as domestic life is concerned. I have asked him again and again to at least give me a head up and discuss this with me and he simply doesn’t. He think’s informing me a few hours before is sufficient warning. I wanted to relax and study this weekend, and my plans were interrupted by his loud ass friends. The worst part is that I simply don’t get along with them. They drink until they puke (they covered the shower in barf), they scream and yell, they gamble on the living room tv, and are overall just stupid vapid people incapable of good conversation. It’s exhausting. I should mention that they’re all older than me, I just turned 20 and My boyfriend and his friends are 25-26.
He says that I’m making him choose between his friends and I, but I am not preventing him from hanging out with them, I just ask that they do it at THEIR houses, because I feel uncomfortable and disrespected when I have to share my living space with them. I don’t know how to get it through to him that this is a deal breaker, and that this behavior is not becoming of grown men. They’re not college freshmen, anymore, these people are engineers with masters degrees, yet they act like frat boys. I sincerely don’t know what I’m doing wrong, but I don’t feel I’m being unreasonable.
I think this is a red flag on his part, not having his friends over, but disrespecting your feelings. Break up with him.
Well as you said, this is a trial period. If the two of you can’t find a way to communicate and compromise, then you have to decide whether you’re right for each other.
I’m not going to give you a judgement, because you’re not an asshole for asking him to give you more warning, but you are an asshole for calling it “my living space” when it’s not yours in any way. And you are definitely naive for thinking you can change him, and you are lacking in self-respect for even thinking about moving in with someone who so clearly doesn’t respect you.
If frat behavior is not what you want, and he has said he’s not going to give it up, take him at his word. He won’t respect you or what you’re trying to grow into. You’re so young you’ve got time.
NTA but this going to be your experience when you move in with him.
He has a status quo w his friends, that he gets along with and is okay with them staying over at his place.
You have to change not him if you want that to work unless you want to give him an Ultimatum and it seems like he doesn’t care either way.
NTA but you really have to ask yourself: Do I want to live like this? Because you will. You moving in won’t change anything. It will still be “his” house when you move in.
Also, I feel like it’s worth pointing out that looking at a person’s friends will tell you more about them than their behaviour to you. He likes these people, he likes behaving like this, he enjoys their vapid conversation, gambling and binge-drinking. This is who he is as a person. Decide if this is really who you want to be with before taking the plunge. It’s a lot easier to break up when you’re not sharing a lease.
NTA.
>He says that I’m making him choose between his friends and I
You’re making him choose between growing up and living like an adult or continuing to live like a frat boy. This is a reasonable thing to ask of a 26-year-old.
>I don’t know how to get it through to him that this is a deal breaker
Tell him that you won’t be moving in with him after all and that you’re reconsidering the entire relationship. He clearly has no respect for you.
You aren’t doing anything wrong. He just wants to have his cake and eat it too.
NTA.
“This is supposed to be a trial period, to feel out our compatibility as far as domestic life is concerned.”
The trial period is showing you that your lifestyles are not compatible for cohabitation. The trial period is doing what it’s supposed to do and is working they way it was intended.
EITA
First of all, he is correct. You have your own place. DO NOT MOVE INTO HIS! He will always hold the “house is mine” card over you. Until you two buy your own place, and that won’t happen.
Girl…focus on studying, not moving in with a man who is acting like an overgrown child.
This is why everyone is an AH.
NTA “This is supposed to be a trial period”.
The trial is over and it didn’t work out. Better to find out now before you make the mistake of moving in with him.
NAH. You’re not being unreasonable. He’s made it clear he doesn’t agree. It sounds like this “trial” gave you the answer you were looking for…he’s not a compatible roommate.
This doesn’t mean you have to break up, just don’t move in together until your lifestyle values align.
He’s not numerically much older than you, but hes a life stage ahead of you, and if this is how he wants to live now, you may be waiting a while for him to become who you hope he will.
Do you want to waste your 20’s on this?
Speaking from experience, it wasn’t worth it.
Honestly, it’s his house he has a right to have anyone over that he wants. If you really want to hear it, I think you’re convenient for him. I don’t think he’s in it for the long haul with you. He’s treating you like a casual plaything, not like a partner. I’d leave now with your head up and find someone who will put you ahead of his gaming buddies.
ESH. It is unreasonable for you to try to make rules for a house you don’t live in yet. However, for the sake of this “trial cohabitation” he should be taking your concerns more seriously.
I wouldn’t break up over this exact situation, but I do think it’s fair to ask if this is how he thinks things will run long-term. “Are you having all these parties because I’m moving in and you know that we aren’t living like this next year? Or, are you going to stick to this “my house” mentality long term?”…
I think the trial period is working exactly how it’s supposed to. He is living exactly the way he wants to be living (with his friends around all the time AND having sex all the time). You are finding out that you don’t like to live like he does (with his friends all the time). When someone tells you who they are, believe them! Your boyfriend is apart of that group that you don’t like – he thinks they are fun and funny and wants them around all the time.
You don’t have the biggest age gap ever – but it is telling that he’s dating a 19 year old at 25, and it’s not because you are cool and super mature for your age, it’s because he is immature for his age, and other 25 year olds won’t put up with his endless frat party sleepover bullshit.
He likes his life as is and you do not. He knows you are unhappy with it, but he likes being able to party with his friends more than he wants to make you happy living with him. Take that information and make your decision with it.
I was close to N A H because if he wants to live that way, then fine, but you’ve been asking for more warning and he was pretty dismissive of that, so NTA.