Me(23F) and my boyfriend(23M) have been together for 5 years now.
Yesterday during my lecture, I got a phone call from my mom and learned that my grandmother has passed away 2 days ago. Apperantly she told me late because she didnt want me to change cities to join the funreal and miss my lessons. Also didn’t want me to talk to my sister about this saying she didn’t want her to be sad because she studies in another country. My one close enough friend i could call works full time. So i called my boyfriend. I knew he had nothing to do that day, we talked about our plans for the day before i learned about my grandmother. I should also add that I live alone and am currently looking after my cat that had surgery 4 days ago. When i called him i expected him to come over and stay with me for the day but i didn’t verbally say that because 4 days ago, the day my cat had surgery, I asked him if he could stay over at my house and he said no. When i got upset he told me that my life is constantly stressing and he needs his time sometimes instead of being with me.
After learning about my grandmother he said hed come to see me a day later. That upset me and told him i would expect him to come the same day, and i didnt understand why not when he had nothing to do.
I do have a stressing life. I have chronic pain due to my health problems (which i am actively working to improve) but so does he. I’ve never complained about anything i did for his Type one diabetes. I’m studying veterinary medicine and my program is very loaded but i still make more time for him than he does to me. I am not someone that gives up so easily, he always told me he admired how i always kept going. But whenever i tell him i need his physical appearance he really is not enthusiastic about it. And when i complain or get sad he keeps telling me how much he loves me and cares for me. Am i the asshole for thinking he should’ve come over to be with me the day i learned about the death of a family member?
Edit: title shouldve been the day i learned my grandmother died*
NTA, cat is the asshole in this situation. how selfish.
If you’re been together for 5 years and he’s not supporting you when you need it, there’s a problem in the relationship. Not even necessarily anyone’s fault — maybe your bf just doesn’t have the energy if his blood sugar’s out a whack at a certain point, or he really can’t handle more stress. On the other hand, if he’s not coming just because he doesn’t feel like it, that’s an issue, because people make sacrifices for each other.
It’s of course hard to comment from outside the situation, but it might be time to think about how satisfied you are with this relationship the way it currently is.
For whatever reason, he can’t be there. Yeah, that unfortunate for you.
Call a friend. Talk to your family. Talk to your sister, who would be going through the same thing, not being able to be there with the family.
Your boyfriend can’t be your only support network.
NAH
Your mistake was to call him when he had already told you that it was over. He really, really meant it. I know it’s still mean that he didn’t support you, but you’re not his responsibility. I also think it’s disastrously wrong to not tell you or your sister in a timely fashion. People deserve to know important things like the passing of a loved grandmother.
I’m guessing you’re simply the result of your upbringing. It’s time to find out who you are, even without the support of a boy.
What? What was over? He didnt tell me he wanted space or time away from me he just said he didnt want to come over because he needs time but he still loves and supports me. He isnt my only support, he was the only one available at the time. Simply the result of my upbringing? I also believe my sister should know but im not fighting with my mom about it right now, i have enough to deal with on my own
Apologies honey. I just reread what you wrote. Forgive me. His behaviour is inexcusable and he’s a dead weight in any event. Get rid of him and free yourself up to concentrate on important things.
NTA. Losing a loved one is a time when support and presence matter most. Expecting your boyfriend to be physically there for you after such news is reasonable, especially if he had no prior commitments. Saying he would come the next day minimizes the immediate grief you were feeling.
His reluctance to spend time when you are upset, while offering verbal reassurances, indicates a mismatch in emotional support. Love is more than words, and showing up in moments of real need is part of caring. Your expectation for him to be present that day was valid.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
I’m sorry that you have been so disappointed by your boyfriend in regards to him supporting you when you have been so supportive to him. And I’m sorry that you have had comments that have been excusing the behavior on his part. Because there really is zero excuse for someone that is supposed to care about you not showing up when your grandmother passes away and you don’t have any other support system available in the media area. Also, I want to point out that your boyfriend is supposed to be your most trusted and supportive partner and times of crisis. The fact that he blew you off really has no excuse. Dump this guy and don’t waste any more of your valuable time energy on a waste of space like this.
I’m very sorry to hear about the loss of your grandmother. You deserve support and love during this time. 💓
NTA. He’s not being a supportive boyfriend in the moment and if you are telling him this and he’s still behaving this way you have to have a conversation when you are both feeling better about what you and what he needs in a relationship.
So sorry about your grandmother and your cat.
NTA, emotional support is part of relationship. Its not wrong to expect that your partner should support you in those tough moments. He has right to have time for himself, but its very selfish to ignore you due to situation.
YTA Grief does different things to different people. It made OP lose perspective about this.
NTA. Maybe. If he says he needs his time sometimes that implies that he is already giving too much to support you. Whether this is true or not it seems he has reached his limit and does not want to be your emotional support. You need to find someone who willingly provides the kind of support you need. Also, to say that someone ‘has nothing to do’ so they should be willing to be with you is a bit arrogant and entitled. You do not have a claim on anyone’s free time. Everyone has the right to use their time enjoying themselves when they have no obligations.