I have a close friend who has given me some trouble in the past when introducing my other friends to her.
For context, when she drinks she gets really touchy and flirty (?) around guys (or even tries to sleep with them). It can be strangers, people we know single or in a relationship, I’ve even seen her be in questionable circumstances with other people when she’s been in a relationship. This has extended to every time I introduce or bring along a guy friend(s) to a social event with her involved, and to date has happened to 6 people I personally know who she has met through me. I think she has a bit of a troubled relationship with alcohol and when things like this happen especially in morally questionable circumstances, I am told that she doesn’t remember what happened or that she feels really bad for said party if they have a partner/felt uncomfortable. I genuinely feel like she can’t have a proper platonic friendship with men, especially when alcohol is involved.
Yes, I have had some guy friends (although not all) reach out in the past to me expressing discomfort from the situation either from themselves or their gf (if applicable). I have also had other of my own friends who are not directly involved with her or are friends with her bear witness to/hear about such events, and often I’m left having to explain and am asked why I am friends with someone like that.
On the flip side, when I introduce my girl friend(s) around her, she puts on this front of being a “girls girl” to try and make friends with them, and eventually tries to make plans with them independent of me, I suppose in an effort to make friends. This has also extended to some of my guy friends except with the additional drinking context.
I feel right in that after all these experiences, I don’t feel comfortable introducing my friends (or even bringing them to social events) in which she is involved in.
I’ve only spoken to her about the experiences pertaining to my guy friends and her relationship with alcohol, and how it makes me feel uncomfortable to introduce guy friends around her, and her attitude towards this feedback came off as being “offended that I am calling her out” about this. I don’t think our other friends in our friend group feel the same way I do (while they are aware of her behaviour, especially around men and drinking) because they aren’t the ones introducing their own friends to her, and having to deal with the recoil of the situations that unfold.
Ever since bringing up my concerns, I feel like our friendship has shifted and she feels more cold/distant. AITA?
That is not your friend
INFO: Why do you still want to be friends with this person?
History/length of the friendship, I care for her at the end of the day
I don’t think you have the right idea of what friends are. She’s not one of them. YTA to yourself.
Here we go with the victim blaming again
Im actually unclear what is the “recoil” you are experiencing. If she flirts with your guy friends, is the ptoblem that they are responding or that they are uncomfortable? What are they saying to you afterward, and are they telling her to cool it while she is there? I cant imagine most guys telling you to stop bringing the girl friend who keeps wanting to flirt with them, unless shes just not taking no for an answer.
Same with your girl friends. What is the “recoil” if she tries to make plans with them? Why shouldnt she do that? Do you have to be the conduit for connections between your friends?
Basically, how is the behaviour affecting you?
Ultimately a mix of things. Previous single guy friends have expressed discomfort/feeling awkward in the moment, guys with girlfriends have told her no/they have girlfriends but she doesn’t listen, some guys haven’t expressed discomfort but maybe it just doesn’t go anywhere following the event. I just sometimes feel like I have to explain for her behaviour to others who don’t know, or am given a bad rep for being friends with her, or am worried about if people will get hurt/offended because of these scenarios or if I will get caught in between both friendships when the hope is for everyone to just get along
Regarding the girl friends, I just end up feeling a bit hurt because she is exclusive in nature when it comes to trying to form friendships with my friends but I am pretty inclusive with including everyone with each other. Not sure if she does this on purpose or not, but it does weigh on me.
Of course I don’t have to be a conduit for these connections between my friends (which I’m coming to realize), but it’s always been in my nature/easy for me to want to bring people together, and often it’s been fine with other friends outside of her
NTA. You are setting boundaries based on repeated patterns of behavior that directly affect you and your friends. You are not controlling her actions; you are choosing not to put yourself or others in uncomfortable or risky situations.
Her offense at being called out is her response, not your responsibility. Boundaries are part of healthy friendships, and prioritizing your comfort and the safety of your social circle is reasonable. You are not obligated to introduce friends to someone whose behavior repeatedly creates problems.
NTA don’t introduce me to her. I already know someone like that and she is not well…
Honestly not your business unless your guy friends are asking you to not invite her. Sounds like someone hooked up with her and others did not and or said no not interested, gf, etc. You are also not her alcohol watcher. Unless she’s going out and getting wasted, which it doesn’t sound like, I wouldn’t even comment on it. You just sound jealous and of annoyed she’s hitting on them when you’re around.
Her making friends with your female friends and not including you is something I would bring up though because I would understand feeling upset she’s trying to push me out of my friend group.
Either way you can’t force your boundaries on her so either stop inviting her out and or invite her out and ignore her.
ESH.
If you’re not dating her why do you care? Do all your friends have to be a certain way? Clearly she has insecurities and may not be able to get close to people so her relationships are superficial. NTA but have some compassion for her, she’s still a human being.