I (28F) am having two wedding celebrations in about 7 months.
1. My mom is planning a large, cultural celebration that is centered around a religion she and my dad are very active in. The ceremony and those hosting will be speaking a non-English language. The groom (34M) and I do not speak the language and do not participate in this religion or are present in the cultural community. The guest list is well over 350 people, many of which I’ve never met. This takes place 7 days before the second wedding.
2. The second is a small/medium sized, American style wedding. We have invited 100 people that includes our immediate family, close distant family, close friends, and co-workers and their +1’s. We only want people we care about here. This is the one we agree is our "real wedding".
My mom asked if she could invite some of her friends to the 2nd wedding. We told her she could invite 15 people. She made a list of 25. We stood firm on 15, and she increased her list to 30, saying she will pay for them. All 30 of her guests are already invited to the cultural wedding and are strangers to us (the bride and groom).
After many weeks of excuses of why she should be able to invite more than 15 people, she has now given an ultimatum: If I don’t allow her to bring everyone she wants (now 40+ people) to the American style wedding, she will not come.
WIBTA if, in response to her ultimatum, we call off the 1st wedding? We didn’t want to do the cultural wedding in the first place. We would be saying words we can’t understand in language we don’t speak, in clothes we would never wear, with people we don’t know. It would feel like a show rather than a celebration of our love.
We only agreed to the cultural wedding despite not practicing the religion or being active in the community because we knew my mom would want to invite many people, and we thought was the best way for us to accommodate her. It’s clear she will be upset if she doesn’t get her way for both ceremonies.
However, I understand a lot of work goes into planning such a large party. She has spent a lot of time getting the cultural outfits that are all made by hand and must be important from a different country. Almost every person in the community knows about this cultural wedding and it would be embarrassing for her if we call it off. We could just do the cultural wedding, and let my mom skip the real wedding if she’s that upset about her friends.
EDIT: My dad, me, and my fiance are paying for the 2nd wedding. My dad is paying for the 1st one alone. When my mom says she will pay for it, she means my dad will pay, she is a SAHM and an empty nester. My dad’s opinion is "No fighting, it’s bad for the wedding" and will take no one’s side.
She’s railroading you she’s a bully and she’s used to getting her way. I would stand my ground unless she’s paying for wedding 2 then you’re screwed. If she’s not, then tell her you Will have a bouncer and ppl not on the list won’t be let in, 15 guests take it or leave it
You would not be the AH. I’m with you, cancel the dog and pony show and have the wedding you want. If mom doesn’t like it, she can miss out.
Call off the first wedding and uninvite her to your actual wedding. I feel bad for your partner that they’re being forced into this nonsense. That’s not a good way to start a marriage. NTA.
NTA. Let her skip wedding two then. And if she then says she won’t throw wedding one, yay!
NTA. You’re doing this entire performative ceremony FOR HER, and she still wants to commandeer your actual wedding? That’s manipulative and unfair. Setting boundaries NOW will definitely pay off in the long run, even if it smarts at first. Good luck, and I wish you and your partner a lifetime of joy.
This is giving desi wedding vibes. I’d suggest starting with holding your ground on the second wedding – if your mom insists she won’t come without her giant guest list, tell her you’ll be sorry to miss her, and go forth as planned. Either she 1) will be angry enough with your ingratitude to cancel the first wedding on her own; or 2) will back down and at least you’ll get the smaller wedding you want, even if you have to suffer through the bigger cultural celebration. My own wedding was absolutely hijacked by my parents inviting 80% of the guest list and in retrospect, I wish I had just let them throw a separate function and done a smaller wedding the way I wanted without their input or money.
I love Indian weddings. You have 300-500 guests where 100 of them are the guests of the bride and groom. Then rest are the parents circle of friends, both parents long time neighbors, your 3rd cousin twice removed. And of course of so and so from the temple invited me to their kids wedding, so I have to invite them to yours. Your dance teacher from 5th grade. lol
I would definitely have someone in the parking lot. Mom may just bring them anyway after agreeing to the 15 by the sounds of it.
Same—I am American married to Desi. We let his family do whatever they wanted for that wedding and then had another wedding that was fun. 🤷🏻♀️
Cancel the first and rescind the offer of 15 guests to the second. Maybe then she’ll learn to stop railroading people.
NTA – She’s playing a dangerous game. You are in the power position in this dynamic. You are the bride. You get what you want. If she is willing to boycott the ceremony most important to you, you have every right (and don’t guilt yourself over this) to boycott the one important to her. This is intro level FAFO.
You realize that she will invite 60+ people to your 2nd wedding no matter what you tell her, right? You need to hire security for the 2nd wedding because she will try to crash it with her 100 BFFs.
You need to be firm with her, she can either have her 15 or she and her groupies can’t come. Tell her security will deny entrance to anyone not on their list, including her. Then tell her if she can’t abide by your rules, you and your fiance won’t show up to the first wedding.
Do you have passwords on your vendors? I wouldn’t put it past her to call your venue, florist, caterer, dj, etc and cancel or change the plans. After all, she needs to make sure her invitees have food and a place to sit.
if she’s already steamrolling invites, she’s def gonna try to roll up deep unless there’s security + a hard list. Vendor passwords is *chef’s kiss* too… wedding moms who “mean well” somehow always end up calling the florist like it’s their job 😭
*Then tell her if she can’t abide by your rules, you and your fiance won’t show up to the first wedding.*
The problem is that after the first ceremony, this threat loses all power…