Okay so for context I’m a first time mom & have been with my bf for 3 years. I get along with his family well & have no problems with them. Okay so I have a 1 month old baby & my bf & I had a plan when I gave birth to only have our immediate family come visit us in the hospital when we gave the green light that I was ready to receive visitation. (That is important to note) Okay so I started going into labor very early in the morning around 2 am, & the pains were so unbearable for me, I was in so much pain & i was also exhausted from the lack of sleep. Okay so my birth plan was obviously to have my baby do skin to skin with me right away like as he was fresh out the womb. Idk why but the nurses took him right away & my bf was the first to hold him after they were done cleaning him and while i was getting stitches. I already had so much anxiety from not being able to hold him right away, & all i remember
was staring at him because I wanted to hold him so bad. okay so i believe im maybe 2 hours after giving birth , at this point im still in the delivery room , not even in the recovery room yet and my bfs family his mom, dad & brother come to the hospital despite me telling my bf i dint want visitors yet, which annoyed me a bit. im in pain, barely had the time to hold my baby & still had no sleep. Not even my family had come yet & I was already with visiors. So naturally they ask to hold the baby & they hold him from basically the time they were there until the time they left. I dont really remember the time because i think i was just so exhausted I didnt have concept of the time but i just remember feeling like it was forever. I felt they were holding my baby for so long all i wanted was to have him back it was the only thing on my mind when they were there the whole time. Okay so since then everytime they visit it’s the same thing. these visits are so prolonged & the entire time they hold the bay, unless its for him to eat. don’t get me wrong, i have had friends visit & ive happily allowed them to hold my baby obviously but the difference is that they hold him MAX for 10 minutes& naturally they give him back, like i dont have to ask for him back they just give him back. but with my bfs parents i feel like i cant do that bc ith feel like they might think of me as rude idkkk. But this gives me anxiety over them coming to see the baby because i just know its the same thing every time. & it makes me not want to have them over. obviously my intentions are not to be mean to them nor my bf, but its something that really bothers me. Am i wrong?
Edit: Thank you everyone for their responses!. I think there are two separate issues here which I didn’t see at first. First issue is what happened at the hospital of my bf not advocating for my boundaries we had both agreed on. I definitely will bring this issue to my bf because that was not okay. Second issue is the length of how long my in-laws hold the baby. I want to express that I do think I need to compromise on my end a bit more because I know they are giving my baby love that I don’t want to push away. If I want a village I definitely can come to a compromise, I just need to speak up instead of just dealing with it. I think the overall issue just stems around my birth plan not going as planned and the lack of skin to skin when I was in labor & delivery.
you’re not wrong at all. that’s your baby, you just gave birth, and your bf ignored your boundary before you even left the delivery room. you gotta speak up tho.. bc silence is just gonna build resentment until you explode
**(NTA)**
>Is the “fiancees family” not the Baby’s family as well? That’s…their grandchild.
And? Her baby is literally **her baby**. She’s also been very clear that it’s not that they hold him that’s the problem. It’s the truly ridiculous crap they pulled at the hospital **and** the absolutely insane amounts of time they hold him.
No grown adult should need to be told it’s not okay to *take* a newborn from its mom for literal **HOURS** without mom’s express permission. Doesn’t matter if the baby is 4 hours or 4 weeks you **ask** to hold the baby and then you give the baby back *within* 20 minutes or when mom asks. You also remain aware of mom in case it becomes obvious that she wants her baby back but is afraid to mention it and hurt your feelings and then ***you give the baby back***. Because nobody is actually entitled to hold a baby they did not create.
NTA you need a talk with your bf yesterday!
You need to see a Dr because having that much anxiety is not good for you. I’m not saying your the asshole but you need to relax,if it’s just about the amount of time they hold him.
I would have been pissed off too. Your BF should have done a better job advocating for you!
Firstly congratulations on baby… labour is hard and it’s quite a shock to the system if you haven’t been through it before. Your boyfriend should’ve had a backbone and respected your wishes. I can understand why you’re upset that you didn’t get the skin to skin contact and especially after the birth and the trauma around it… you had every right to meet your baby first along with your partner rather than having pass the parcel before you even had that opportunity. You need to put some boundaries in with any visitors, but first of all your partner. Maybe what you do is you go for a period of time without visitors. Your partner needs to understand how you feel about this. Good luck.
nah, you’re not wrong. just tell them you want the baby back.
Communicate, just phrase it gently. “As baby is so new I’m trying to do more skin contact with him, so if you could hand him back after 10 minutes that would be wonderful.” NTA
NTA
This isn‘t about them holding your baby when they are coming now, it‘s much more about your husband, who let other people break your boundaries. You are allowed to be sad and angry that the skin-to-skin contact didn‘t go as planned. You will need your time to process this. I‘m sorry but you need to talk to your husband again about your boundaries, that holding the baby needs to have a time limit and you need to hold him too, not just his family.
NTA. You need time to settle in which your baby and to recover from the pregnancy and birth. It’s nice that everyone is so excited about your baby, but it’s unfortunate no one is respecting your needs and rights to share your baby when you are ready. Sorry that has happened and caused you unnecessary stress.
Do give them a set amount of time. Maybe, if you trust them, please go take a shower or something. You need some rest.
NTA but they aren’t mind readers you have to speak up. You’re allowed to be rude if someone is getting between you and your baby. Maybe they’re obnoxious people generally but they could also be oblivious people. Did you tell them about hospital visiting or did you leave that to bf? Did bf call them all and tell them that it was ok for them to land in? Did you tell the midwives/ nurses/ doctors that you wanted to have the baby for skin to skin right away? If your leaving it to your bf to tell his family what you “both” want then it could be that he either doesn’t want what you do and he’s agreeing to your face but doing what he wants behind your back or he also can’t stand up to his family.
NTA. But definitely not communicating effectively. Obviously, you can’t rely on your boyfriend to enforce your boundaries (he is TAH for telling his relatives and not respecting your wishes. I mean, the nurse didn’t call them, the doctor didn’t call them, and YOU didn’t call them. It’s all on him during your hospital stay). Now you’re home. Let them hold the baby and then stand up and say “my turn” and take the baby. It’s yours. Right now you see things from a different perspective. They’re not doing anything wrong, they just don’t know that’s not what you want. You’re a MOM now, you gotta use your words and express your feelings, your expectations, and set your boundaries.
NTA, and I will just throw this out. Next time around, let the hospital staff know what your wishes are. They can help keep out ANYONE other than those designated by you when you want them.
Your birthing experience, your body, your baby.