My partner and I have been together for about 5 years, and we have a 10 month old daughter together.
The issue is that he insists we split our time and live about half the year in another country(on a completely different continent) because he hates living in Europe, which is where I’m from. He goes on frequent rants about how terrible Europe is and why he doesn’t want to be there. But if I say anything remotely negative about the country he prefers, he gets defensive or outright angry.
He’s been renting an apartment there since before we met, so this isn’t new for him. The problem is the living situation. The apartment is quite small around 70-80 square meters, with one bedroom, a small bathroom, and a combined kitchen/living room.
On top of that, he works from home full time and takes all of his work calls(inc important meetings) in the living room. This basically means I’m expected to keep our baby completely quiet during those times. If she’s fussy or making noise, I have to either take her out for a walk or stay confined to the bedroom so he can work undisturbed. It can feel like I’m constantly being pushed out of the main living space.
Sleeping is also an issue. He has obstructive sleep apnea and snores extremely loudly to the point where I can hear him through walls, and he sometimes stops breathing for several seconds at a time. It’s honestly stressful and impossible for me to sleep next to him. Because of that, he sleeps on the sofa every night.
Recently, we’ve been arguing more because I told him I don’t want to keep spending time there anymore. I feel completely suffocated stuck in a small apartment with a baby, no real personal space, constantly working around his schedule, and not feeling comfortable or at home.
I told him I want to go back to my home country with our daughter, at least for now. He got very upset and accused me of trying to keep his child away from him and said I just don’t want him around.
During the argument, he also brought up that he “can’t sleep in the bedroom anyway,” as if that somehow makes the situation acceptable or unchangeable, which just made things more frustrating.
From my perspective, it feels like everything is set up around his preferences where we live, how the apartment functions, when I can use shared space and I’m just expected to adapt. He doesn’t seem to understand why this is overwhelming for me, especially with a baby. If I want space I’ve been told I need to go on walks with the baby or stay in the bedroom.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want more space, stability, and to be in a place where I actually feel comfortable , but he’s making me feel like I’m the problem for not being okay with this arrangement.
Am I wrong for wanting to stop living like this and go back home with our child?
NTA
You’re not married from the sounds of it, so tell him that he’s welcome to split his time, but that you and the baby live in your country and will remain there year round.
I think a bigger question is why on earth are you with this man when you literally want to live on separate continents??
What’s the end goal of this post. If people tell you you’re the AH. Will you then keep quiet and keep suffocating yourself in this new life for the rest of your life?
You are suffering and it’s ugly to see. But maybe you want to suffer for love or some shxt idk, I know people who suffered worse for 15+ years and they’re still alive but are basically living dead.
Remember there’s no reward for suffering and you feeling horrible is more than enough reason to make changes. He felt bad in Europe and he moved. You feel bad and you’re still here twiddling your thumb and second-guessing yourself.
Good luck, it’s your life.
Butter him up, play nice, do your usual trip back to your country where you plan on staying for a few months, but then when he says it’s time to move back to his country. You refuse, stay in your country with your baby. What he chooses to do from there is up to him
You are absolutely NTA. Your partner is really inconsiderate, his demands are unrealistic and cruel and he has no idea what kind if chaos and noise the upcoming toddler years will bring. Choose your child and let her grow up where she can be loud, messy and with a mum who is safe, comfortable and herself.
NTA – He sounds like he’s isolating you and controlling. These are major red flags. You’re in jeopardy because of how vulnerable of a position you’re in. It doesn’t sound like a sustainable living situation for a baby.
I am not fond of taking your child away from their father, though. Is he an active parent at all?
I would go back to your country and demand some form of counseling with him. You’re going to have to stand up for your and your child’s needs.
Ok after reading your post on another sub. There is so much subtle abuse there of isolation and financial control
You need to leave him and take your baby but you need to be sensible and sneaky.
How much longer till you go back, even if for a short stay?
You get you and your baby over there and THEN tell him you are staying.
If you tell him now, in his country, you will not get to leave – or not with your baby – who btw he treats like a puppy
NTA.
If he works from home, there’s no reason to not try a different apartment. Might mean a different city to get a doable price, but so be it.
He can also get a sleep study done and get a Cpap, like a responsible adult with a family to support would do.
If it doesn’t work, and you decide to leave him, do it when you’re back in Europe, so he can’t try and stop you.
Sorry, but why the hell did you have a child with this person? He clearly does not want to stay in Europe