Bit of background to this story. My Nephew (8) has had behaviour issues since childhood, and about 18months ago he was diagnosed as being autistic, and this understanding has really helped I believe as he wasn’t bad behaved, he was just having trouble regulating.
Prior to this, his parents (My BiL and SiL) used a naughty step for he and his siblings, and I’ve babysat him, and had him sit on the naughty step in the past, although it’s not something we use in our house. About 2 years ago, my wife was diagnosed with stage 4 colon and liver cancer, so we haven’t seen their family as much over this time, and to be honest, of all her relatives they’ve probably been the least supportive in that time but they have their own shit going on.
We were all at a family event this past weekend, and their kids arrived as they often do, with a bit of a whirlwind, and a few whacks to my back etc. NBD, I have brothers – it happens.. Over the rest of the event, they did their own thing, played on their phones/gaming devices, I played some games of Mario Kart with this particular kid, played some Uno with him, and spoke to him about how his team sports are going. Generally just a standard day and I didn’t think anything else of it.
A few days later, I got a message out of the blue from my SiL which was unusual as she’s messaged me maybe twice over the past 12-18 months. It was quite an abrupt message, accusing me of mentioning a "naughty step" for this child, and telling me to never make him the butt of a joke, single him out or to mention naughty steps around him again. I honestly, have no idea what she’s talking about, I don’t even have any idea what specific thing she’s alluding to.
I went back, explaining that I have zero idea what she is talking about, so it may have been someone else, but it wasn’t me – and she claimed "several adults and kids heard it, it’s not acceptable and it will not happen again". I asked for any context, and was told that I had said something to my own daughter (9), and that he had overheard, been upset, and other adults had brought it to her attention.
It was a small event, so it would be pretty easy to reach out to the other adults who would have been around, but I’m just so confused by what it could even be referred to. When I asked for any other info, explained that I was the only adult who spent any time playing with her kids, and apologised if something was misheard etc, she stopped replying and hasn’t messaged since.
What should I do here, AITA? I’m reluctant to make a bigger deal of it, due to the cancer treatment my wife is going through, and the fact it would bring in members of her family to uncover what happened, but I’m genuinely at a loss and upset over it. The SiL is known for having fallen out with her own family, and others at times, but we’ve never had any issues.
*”When I asked for any other info, explained that I was the only adult who spent any time playing with her kids, and apologised if something was misheard etc, she stopped replying and hasn’t messaged since.”*
You’ve done all you could, and more, by apologising for something you don’t even remember doing. If that’s not good enough for SiL and she prefers to fall out with you over it, what can you do. Hold your head up high and know you are NTA.
*”The SiL is known for having fallen out with her own family, and others at times”*
This says it all, really. Sounds like SiL has some issues with interpersonal relationships and prefers drama over peaceful coexistence. I say leave her to it. Life’s too short to be putting up with unnecessary s\*\*t like that, **especially** when you have enough on your plate already. Best wishes to you and your wife 💙
Beautifully said.
Try not to stress over this too much as you’ve got your own pressures and challenges to deal with without someone else’s issues adding to the pile. YNTA.
sounds like your sil is projecting her own issues. maybe let it go, focus on your wife. life’s too short for pointless drama.
Ask your daughter if she knows.
NTA. She doesn’t want to tell you even if you’re open to learn from your mistakes.
If her child is so traumatized by the “naughty step”, perhaps he’s too delicate to attend family functions. Autism isn’t an excuse to lie and misbehave; maybe he needs a sit on the naughty stepping for lying on you. NTA and next time the kid gravitate toward you say, “I’m sorry, can’t play; you told lies about me to your mom, and I don’t play with liars.”
NTA
I would do nothing.
It is small fries.
I would send one more message to her and definitively say (assuming this is true) “I did not say anything about a naughty step to my daughter or anyone else. We don’t use that in our family and never have. Possibly someone misheard something else I said, I’m not sure. But I’ve told you now that I did not say that and I have no reason to lie about this to you. If I had said it, I would apologize and move on. But I’m not going to “own up” to something I did not do. Either you will take my word on this or you won’t, that is your choice to make.”
NTA sounds like she’s either fundamentally misunderstood something or is trying to have a fight. Absent an actual explanation of what you did and how it’s caused harm you’ve done all you can. Just be sure not to let this damage your relationship with the wider family.