I (21F) recently had a fight with one of my close friends (22F). The original argument wasn’t even that big – it was just me setting some boundaries about a few things that have been bothering me for a while.
During the argument, she said something like, “You don’t know this, but I defend you a lot when you’re not there.” I asked what she meant, and she told me that some of her male friends have bodyshamed me in the past, and she told them to shut up.
I was honestly shocked. I asked why she never told me this before. She said she didn’t want me to feel bad about my body.
Here’s why I’m upset:
These guys aren’t strangers – I’ve been cordial and friendly with them because they’re her friends. I’ve hung out with them. I’ve even given them rides. All this time, apparently they’ve been making comments about my body when I’m not around.
I feel like that’s something I deserved to know. Not so I could spiral, but so I could decide how I want to interact with people who talk about me like that.
She still associates with them regularly, sits with them, and considers them close. That’s what makes this harder for me. If they’re comfortable bodyshaming me in front of her, it makes me question what kind of environment she’s allowing. And it also makes me wonder why they felt safe enough to say those things in the first place.
Part of me understands she might have genuinely thought she was protecting my feelings. But another part of me feels like not telling me protected them – because if I had known, I probably would have stopped hanging out with them, which might have forced her into an awkward position.
I’m not even that upset about the guys themselves at this point – I’ve mentally written them off. I’m more hurt about her not telling me and continuing to associate with them like nothing happened. She refuses to understand why this must have hurt me and is constantly defending herself saying she didn’t want to hurt me, and that is making me feel like I’m overreacting and might be the asshole.
AITA for feeling betrayed and thinking I should have been told?
TL;DR: My friend admitted her male friends have bodyshamed me behind my back and that she “defended” me, but never told me because she didn’t want to hurt my feelings. I’ve been friendly with these guys and even given them rides. I feel like I deserved to know so I could choose how to interact with them, and I’m hurt she still associates with them. AITA?
I don’t make a habit of engaging in, or repeating, gossip. I also trust my friends. See, I know they have my back. Sticking up for me isn’t some special prize, it’s just *the bar*.
The fact that she used that as something that deserves some sort of merit badge and then proceeded to repeat the supposed insults as a tool mid-argument to…what exactly?? Make you feel bad, manipulate you?
You were sharing an issue and she brought that up as a way to deflect.
Anyway NTA for being upset.
NTA. You are who you choose to associate with, and keeping secrets like that is no way to run a friendship. The fact that she is still close with them tells me loads.
NAH You have every right to be upset, but don’t take this out on the wrong person. Sounds like your friend defended you and thought she was doing the right thing by protecting your feelings. Simply tell her how you’d prefer it to be handled in the future and move on. “Hey friend, I appreciate that you were trying to protect me, but in the future could you tell me if something like this happens so I can make a decision about my friendship with these guys?”
Be angry with the men that are being rude.
NTA
Yes, she feels like she wanted to tell you to prove you YOU that she’s a ‘good friend’.
Well let me tell you, if she hangs around guys that spoke this way about her friend, it would have happened exactly ONCE, she would have put an end to it, and if it EVER happened again, they’d be cut out.
It’s apparent that she’s a pick me who’s attitudes and demeanour invite this kind of inappropriate discourse.
A true friend would shut down these remarks right away. Now you know your boundaries need to be extended,
NTA
NTA. She didn’t tell you before because she wanted to maintain her friendships with the guys even though as your friend she should have objected and stopped them.
NTA
First of all, telling them to shut up isn’t exactly defending you. Unless she had a specific conversation about not allowing body shaming in the friendship at all, she still basically chose friendship with people who body shame. Then the way she brought it up with you doesn’t feel like she was doing it to spare your feelings, it feels like she didn’t tell you to protect them from the consequences of their behavior. Not cool.
It’s weird that she brought that up while you were trying to talk about things that genuinely bother you. She knew it would distract you and make you feel worse to deflect
NAH, It’s pretty simple: you have a right to feel that way, and your friend has a right to do what she believed would protect you.
Your friend thought she was doing the right things and protecting you. She defended you when you weren’t around. She didn’t bring it up with you because she didn’t want to hurt you, like you would’ve been hurt had you heard the comments firsthand. However, it is sad to hear that she is still close with them. I would have a serious conversation with her about this and why it is hurtful.
You are understandably upset! Totally fair to feel that way. I think you should focus your anger more on the people who made these comments, rather than putting lots of focus on your friend, who was seriously just trying to protect you. Give her some grace and try to understand why she did that. Confront the people who said the terrible comments in the first place.
NTA your friend is the asshole for continuing to associate with those guys. “I defend you a lot when you’re not there”? A lot? If this is a normal occurrence that these people are speaking ill about you behind your back she should have already cut them off. If anyone even mentioned one of my friends names in a negative way I am going off on you and then never speaking to you again. Personally It wouldn’t matter to me how many times she “has my back” because as you suspect, she created a space where these men feel comfortable speaking like this. Her not understanding your anger is the icing on the cake.
She’s enabling misogyny by not showing these men real consequences. They clearly don’t care what she says if they keep doing it. And she clearly has boundary issues, especially if trying to set boundaries with her turns into an argument where she lashes out like that.
NTA
As I replied to a different comment, while a true friend will defend you, it should have happened ONCE … because she proved she was NOT a friend in allowing it to happen more than once (direct proof there wasn’t a strong defense) and continuing to be friends (shows she doesn’t think it is a big deal).
Obviously never be around those other people … but question what type of friend she actually is. We had a guy in our friend group who said nasty things about women we all knew – and he was immediately called out very quickly no longer part of the friend group. It really IS that simple.
NTA, but you should also be upset that she felt the need to tell you about how she “defends” you. It sounds, honestly, like she’s just trying to make you feel bad. Was she even specific about the body shaming? For all you know, they were complimenting you. If she’d really wanted to protect your feelings, she either would have told you about it immediately so that you could confront these guys and clear the air, or she would never have told you about it at all so that, as you stated, your feelings would be spared. Out of curiosity, did this revelation come at a time when you seemed to be getting closer to one of those guys?