hi, currently my bf has a big exam coming up that determines whether he gets into his dream course. he had asked previously that i just give him three months to dedicate his all to this exam and i obviously said yes thats okay and even offered to support him in any way i could. he sees that in a way where i have to provide resources for him and actively be contributing to his studies, or else he feels as if im not doing what he expected me to.
this initially made me feel quite confused and caught off guard be i was really trying my hardest but j felt that studying was something you could only do for urself, as much as i could help him, it’s not going to make him learn all of the content, unless he puts in the eftort as well. I also learnt that during this time, there wasnt much space for my feelings and if i felt hurt or not, he just saw it as a distraction go his studies and would often be annoyed/mad at me for feeling certain ways. ive eventually learnt tk keep most things to myself, just pushing away things that could disrupt his studies.
recently hes been memorising a lot of flashcards and so i felt that there’s not much more i could help in that sense since i was the one who created those flashcards for him and he took them to his house anyways. we were on call recently and he saw me playing a game and said wow ur taking it so seriously, and j jokingly said "yes i take it very serious". he then made a face at me and said "u don’t take my studies seriously". this hurt me be i had literally pushed aside my own uni work to make flashcards and every night we go through them and we dont even have proper normal convos that arent about his exam anymore, and he was saying i don’t tar it seriously. i started tearing up bc i teel like ive done so much for him for so long and he still makes comments like these. but he doesn’t see anything wrong with it and gets very distant and cold when this occurs, saying that im just causing a distraction from his studies.
am i the asshole for causing distractions?
extra update: ive asked to call and he said that is a privilege so now i feel genuinely so taken aback. he also said that today was such a big day and ive “literally made no contribution”.
Your BF is showing you where you stand between his needs and your needs, he thinks you are there to serve him, not as an equal but as a servant. NTA, but have a good look at the relationship, because I don’t think this behavior will stop once his studies are over
Yeah that’s a solid point – once he’s done with school there’ll just be something else he expects you to drop everything for.
WTAF. No, you can’t study for someone else. His exam, his responsibility. What a bizarre take to try and make it yours.
NTA
Right? Like I get helping with a tricky concept, but expecting someone else to do the heavy lifting is wild.
He will always put his needs before your own. Be prepared, if he fails, for it to be your fault because you didn’t help enough or take it seriously. He’s an adult acting like a bratty child. You need to make sure you put your studies before his. He sounds exhausting and I do see an end date to this relationship based on what you’ve written.
He is expecting what from you? Stop putting your studies and life on hold for him. He’s study is only for him to take seriously. You need to only concentrate on your own studies not his. NTA but stop being an AH TO YOURSELF.
NTA. Poor little prince, not making time for a girlfriend AND not having the fortitude to take responsibility for his own dreams. It’s such BS. If he’s so laser focused, why is he even pretending to be a boyfriend? OP, his obsession isn’t really workable. He’s also likely to always expect to to champion him, but without reciprocating. Yuck.
So I take it that whatever test he’s studying for (MCAT? LSAT?), you aren’t also studying for it?
If makes no sense for you to write up his flashcards. Building up study materials based on individual needs is a key part of the learning process, so relying on someone else to customize them for him is really bad idea to begin with. If you’re putting together his prep material, I’d wager you probably know the material about as well as he does from all this unappreciated work you’re doing for him. But girl, it is not your job to do his studying for him.
If he gets into whatever program he’s studying for, I guarantee you that he has no intention of keeping you around after he finishes. He will declare that he did it all himself and you’re dead weight. He’s already doing it now, even though he’s entirely dependent upon you for his studying.
NTA, and get away from this selfish git. You deserve so much better.
Honestly you hit the nail on the head about the flashcards being part of the learning process. He’s missing a huge piece by outsourcing that to her.
And yeah, the entitlement is a massive red flag. If he’s already dismissing her help now, it’s only gonna get worse if he succeeds.
NTA.
Supporting your partner during exam prep does not mean becoming their unpaid tutor, project manager, and emotional punching bag. Studying is ultimately his responsibility.
The bigger concern is that he’s treating your feelings as “distractions” instead of part of a relationship. You shouldn’t have to shrink yourself so he can succeed.
Preparing for an exam doesn’t excuse dismissing your partner or making them feel inadequate.
NTA. You don’t had to dim your light for another to shine.
update: my bf is now saying he feels that recently i havent been doing much and giving it my all (i made mindmaps, tables, checklists for him) and that whilst hes busy doing gamsat ive just been gaming, and he was being thoughtful of not saying anything bc recently ive been working a lot and ive had family visiting from my home country so ive been a bit busier than usual. i really dont get it anymore
Time to stop letting him decide if what you do is enough. Take a real break from the relationship and tell him that his lack of gratitude and selfishness is not appealing to you…at all. Stop putting his interests above your own. Soft YTA for not taking care of YOU, tbh.