Throwaway because my gf knows my main.
Me (25M) and my girlfriend (26F) have been together for 3 years and have lived together for 1 year. We split the tasks around the house in such a way that I do all the laundry. I don’t mind doing laundry but she has ADHD and hates having to wait for the laundry to be done and then wait for it to dry and would often forget about it and leave it overnight so I do the laundry because I don’t mind waiting.
This morning I mentioned to her that I’ll be doing the laundry later today because I have a shirt in the laundry basket I wanna wear tomorrow (the laundry basket is pretty full, I’m not washing just that one shirt). She said, in a passive aggressive voice, "isn’t it interesting how you always do the laundry when you need something washed but never when I need something washed?".
I was taken aback by this comment because I don’t remember her ever telling me that she needs something washed. I usually just do the laundry when the basket is full. I told her she never told me she needs something washed but if she did I would happily do the laundry to wash that specific item. She told me she shouldn’t have to tell me.
I told her I know what clothes she has, and I know which clothes she wears a lot but I don’t keep a timetable to see what is in the laundry basket and when she plans to wear it. I also told her again that if she needs something washed she can always let me know but I don’t know what she needs washed because I don’t know what she plans to wear in the future.
She said it’s unfair that she has to let me know but I can just do laundry whenever I want without having to tell anyone. I told her she’s free to do her own laundry but she got mad and said that just because she’s a woman it doesn’t mean she should do everything around the house and stormed off to the bedroom.
I didn’t say anything else to her because I wanted to give her some space but now it’s been several hours and she hasn’t come out of the bedroom. I don’t know if I did something wrong but if I did I want to know so I know I have to apologize.
NTA. And I decided on that as soon as I read “She told me she shouldn’t have to tell me”. Humans are not telepaths. If she can’t tell you “Could you do the laundry today? There’s a blouse in there that I want to wear tomorrow”, she can’t expect you to read her mind. In a pinch, she can do it herself to get her blouse clean – that’s not expecting her to do laundry because she’s a woman; it’s expecting her to do laundry when wants a clean blouse and also refuses to mention to you, the person she agreed was in charge of the laundry, that she needs a particular item washed.
“I shouldn’t have to tell you” applies to things like the garbage needs to be taken out or dishes need to be done. Things that you can visibly see needs to be done. Unless she has zero clothes left, how is OP possibly supposed to know. This feels very red flaggy to me.
OMG, yes. The number of times I’ve had to ‘remind’ my spouse that the wastebasket under their desk needs to be emptied from time to time is a legit ‘I shouldn’t have to tell you’.
NTA. ADHD is not an excuse to not have to do chores. I have ADHD and set a timer on my phone for laundry so I remember to switch it over. I use timers for everything. It would be great to say I can’t do xyz because of adhd but as I’ve lived alone most of my life I’d always be in dirty clothes. also her laundry isn’t your responsibility at all and she should be more thankful you are willing to do it for her. She’s acting like she can’t just do it herself…. Which she absolutely can.
NTA. You’re not psychic. If she needs something washed by a certain time, she has to communicate that. That’s not sexism, that’s basic adult coordination.
NTA. My husband does the laundry and if there’s something specific I want washed before a certain date, I tell him. It’s that simple; communication makes everything easier. I also have ADHD so I don’t think that has anything to do with the issue at hand.
NTA
It’s not “interesting” at all that you know what you want to wear tomorrow, but not what she wants to wear tomorrow.
It’s incredibly obvious.
Of course you should airways know where she wants to go and what she wants to eat without asking her, because her telling you these things is too much “emotional labour” now you can add on planning her wardrobe to holidays, dates and meals.
Sounds like a keeper.
Yeah this is not actually about laundry.
Here’s your giant red flag:
>She told me she shouldn’t have to tell me
You’re not a mindreader…but the fact that *she thinks you should be* suggests that there are other issues.
NTA – but find out what’s *really* bothering her.
As a person with ADHD to the max, I’m sorry to tell you that your gf is just being stupid. She even has the audacity to say that she doesn’t need to communicate to you her needs and you should just employ your mind reading skills.
Someone very close to me has ADHD and is definitely oddly locked into things. I have never seen this before. She has something else going on besides ADHD, she should get checked for bi-polarity as well.
Could be a fatal case of ass-holery too
I notice a trend on this sub that when a man acts poorly in a relationship, the advice is always “he sucks, he’s a loser, he’s abusive, dump him asap”, but when a woman does a similar thing it’s “give her grace, what else is going on, maybe she has a health thing” etc
If a guy was chewing out his girlfriend, who does all the laundry, for not magically knowing when he wanted something washed and then locked himself in his room and refused to speak to her, would you be giving the same advice?
She’s utterly irrational. Wtf
I do the laundry in our house
If my partner needs something washed he asks me with his words