I (23f) live with my mum and a younger brother (19m), but am planning to move out as soon as possible. The only issue is I currently do not have a job and need to rely on benefit payments, as all jobs I applied to, so far, have refused to hire me for nothing more than being autistic, despite me never telling them.
Now, onto the issue. For a while now, mum has been struggling with rent and bill payments due to getting less money at work now than she used to and them increasing, so she said she needs my and my brother’s help. We have agreed to help out with that when we need to, and even if we didn’t, we wouldn’t really have a choice anyway.
Unfortunately, I think mum’s recent money demands have become unreasonable. Last month, she asked for £64 from me and my brother each, which I could give and was ok with.
Then, a week after putting £100 worth of cash from dad’s side of the family onto my account, she demanded that too for more bills, and I reluctantly gave it, knowing "no" Isn’t an option. Dad, who lives in Poland, has specifically said he doesn’t want mum touching any money I get from him or from his side of the family, and has been aware of mum using people for money for a good while. That money was meant to go towards an Annual Pass renewal at a theme park (which expires in 4 days), and now I had to withdraw another £100 from my Polish account and will need to put it on my UK one, as the website doesn’t accept non-UK cards, and has it clearly written. However, I can’t tell dad about this issue because he banned me from going there for overspending until I get a job.
Now, mum is demanding another £125 from me, claiming she will go to prison for 2 weeks for missing a single tax payment. Obviously, I said "no" to her because I have plans this month and she already got £164 from me, £100 of which I had to give her against my will and wasn’t even allowed to give her to begin with. I told her if she wants more money, she needs to wait for my next benefit payment because I don’t have that kind of money right now, and certainly shouldn’t be responsible for paying her out of legal trouble anyway.
She told me that if I don’t give her that money and she goes to prison, I will be evicted and won’t be able to survive due to not having a job or enough money to pay rent and bills myself, which unfortunately is true. I was supposed to get help from Social Services with this twice due to other, more serious issues I have with mum, but both social workers ended their involvement due to me being unavailable ONCE when it was inconvenient for them, despite me giving them a notice beforehand.
So, AITA?
It’s illegal to be turned down for a job based on a prescribed characteristic, so how can you be sure you’re not getting the job based on this, especially if you haven’t disclosed it ?
Either way I’m going with ESH. You all sound really difficult to deal with.
INFO -How and why does she know when you have money from elsewhere? You must be telling her for her to ask for it?
>Now, mum is demanding another £125 from me, claiming she will go to prison for 2 weeks for missing a single tax payment.
If your mum is going to lie she needs to do better than this.
Why are you buying theme park passes when the financial situation is this dire? What did you have to do that made you unavailable for your social work help, which should be your top priority? How are you so certain you’re getting passed over because of autism and not other things (sucky economy, bad availability, the wrong skills for the position, etc)?
Gonna say ESH. Your mom is bad with money (and today’s world sucks for those of us who don’t make 6 figures), you for giving away money you aren’t supposed to (and planning on using it for things you aren’t supposed to), your dad for leaving you in this mess.
Everybody sucks
You are an adult and should pay at least a little towards expenses and rent. You should have a standing agreement with your mum as to what you should pay and when and she should be able to manage her finances knowing what’s coming in. Without clear limits she’ll keep asking for more money more often.
You sound like you have a very defeatist attitude like nobody is willing to help you, but you are receiving help. You get social, you get money from your father and live relatively cheaply in your mum’s apartment.
Spending 100 GBP on an amusement park right now doesn’t seem feasible. The reality of being an adult is that you have to spend your money on what’s necessary first and on fun stuff second. I get the feeling this wasn’t modeled in your household especially by your mum, but that doesn’t mean you can’t start doing it now.
I would keep giving money only with the kind of agreement I mentioned because otherwise she’ll keep asking for random money from you and you’ll only resent her more and more. As long as you can’t get a job and live on your own, you will unfortunately have to keep this up, even if you don’t want to.
Also, consider moving in with your brother only if you have an ok relationship with him. Between the two of you, you could have enough to get away from your mum and gain some independence.
Simply put, you’re an adult and living at home. Pay rent and contribute towards bills.
You can claim Universal Credit which includes a housing elementif renting, and if your mum makes a formal contract between the two of you then they will pay.
Don’t worry about affecting your mum’s tax situation, because she can earn £8,500 before paying tax because of rent a room relief.
If you don’t want your mum as your PIP appointee any more. Tell DWP over the phone
ESH. Your mom shouldn’t be depending on your dime to fix her troubles for sure but you all need to make sure bills get paid. they shouldn’t be only her troubles.
You are not the asshole, you are being financially exploited by someone using fear as a weapon.
Your mom is most likley lying to you about going to prison for 2 weeks over a single missed tax payment.
Listen to your old man, he told you not to let her touch his money shows this is a long running pattern of hers.
God speed son.
YTA. Your mother is struggling to make ends meet. You are 23 years old and should be contributing your fair share to the household instead of wanting to keep money for a theme park, ffs!
Hello, Autistic and ADHD adult here. I have never had an issue getting hired at a job but there are some things you will have to do to mask if you want to be hired at some places. Have you gotten any feedback from potential companies you applied to? If so, what was their feedback? If not, then reach out to them and ask them for feedback. Showing initiative will often times have them reconsider hiring you. Employers are often looking for someone with a go-to attitude. Here are some things I think that will help you get a job.
Hacks to get a job:
1. Make sure you dress up for an interview. And I mean at the very least Business Casual, even if it’s a small shop, grocery store, etc. Potential employers will make snap judgments about you based on your looks and how you present yourself (I know, very lame. But unfortunetly it’s true.) And if you put in that much effort in an interview, they can see you putting in a lot of effort into the company.
2. Make eye contact consistently and smile a lot. Employers want a person they could see working with them that they can socialize with. Many times, someone less qualified gets the job just because their interview was better. They also want anyone who is face-to-face with a customer to be able to interact with a smile. Even if that’s something that is not you, “fake it till you make it”. This is one of the biggest masking things you will have to do.
3. Be enthusiastic about the work, even if you’re not that interested in it. Talk it up like it’s something you’re extremely interested in doing. Employers want to know you’ll be there for the long haul. If they don’t see that in you they often won’t hire you. Even if you don’t see yourself there forever, make a 5-year-plan and talk about “where you see yourself in the company for the next 5 years”. Research at least a little bit before your interview so you can be extremely prepared for any questions they ask.
4. Lastly, and this one is in my opinion messed up, but you might have to fib a bit. Most Neurotypicals lie about their qualifications or oversell what their abilities are. You may also have to do this to land a job. Don’t know how to use Excel, Office Suite, etc., say you can and learn later. Most companies will have programs you might not have on your computer that you can learn when you get there. You’ll probably pick up on them faster than you’d think as well.
YTA you aren’t paying any where near what rent, groceries and utilities cost a month and are acting as if you are a saint
How exactly do you know you aren’t being hired simply because you’re autistic? You’re telling me not a single person in your area would hire a person who was fully capable of doing the job – even if they were the best candidate- just because they were autistic? Maybe that mind set has something to do with it
Edit to add – you skipped out on meetings with your sw about getting a job to go on holiday. You don’t seem to be taking this serious at all. You skipped another meeting to go to a theme park. You think you can just tell people you don’t want to show up and they’ll except it? Fix your attitude
I think you need to ask your mother to write down the amount of every bill and food she incurs. I think you will be shocked at how little, proportionately, you contribute.
You should recieve universal credit as well as pip. Go onto the website “entitked to” and check you are getting everything you are entilted to.
It’s nice to have treat or birthday money, but adulthood is using this money for essentials if that is the only way. Your mum is under no obligation to house you, and it will be much more expensive to live elsewhere. However to see that you need to crunch the figures.